the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

The words unsaid are infinite
The words i say are a summary
The words you hear are filtered
The words i hear are my downfall

You would think that by now
I’d be able to read you
but I cannot

I am a prisoner to your subtleties,
a captive of your cluelessness,
tangled so helplessly in your mixed signals
your emotions are the secrets
whispered just past my ears
so intriguing

yet

so out of reach

-h.w.

I once read somewhere that if you can’t sleep at night it’s because you are awake in someone’s dreams. And every night that I lie awake because I cannot turn my brain off, that thought comes to my mind. And I know it’s weird but I start thinking about all the things I’d want to tell you if I was in your dream. I dreamt while I was awake about all the things I’m hoping for in the future. And although right now it seems so very possible, I’m scared of my own feelings at this point.

Everyone has that moment where they meet the person they spend the rest of their life dreaming with, but no one ever knows that moment until the rest of their life begins. And I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t thought about what our lives would be like together.

I’m pouring my heart out onto my notebook because I figured it’s easier than telling you in person. I’d rather live alone than with someone who doesn't understand me, and maybe that’s the reason I want to show you this. I’m a girl of too many emotions and perhaps that will die down with age but if it doesn't I want you to be able to accept me. All of me.

And I know none of this makes sense, but if you’re reading this and you still feel the same about me then I want you to know that I once read that love is when you want to share everything that makes you happy with one person.

I want you to know that at the end of every day I lay awake at night and want to tell you all about my day. I want to tell you about the jacket I found at the thrift shop, and the cool fact I learned about the human heart. I want to tell you everything. I want you to be here.

If I had written this 2 years ago (or maybe even a month ago) I’d say my perfect man had to look a certain way, talk a certain way, and to act a certain way. He would have had to worship the goddesses in my laughter, and be able to unlock the parts of me I’d hidden away.

But as I grow older, the days seem shorter and I know that at one point I wanted a man with stars in his lungs and galaxies in his eyes, who could fill in all the cracks of my broken soul, but now I just can’t say that’s true.

Because darling, you don’t look the way I imagined my perfect man, but I couldn’t imagine myself with any other body on this world. The way our fingers intertwine in that funny sort of way because mine are so small and always a little too cold, and yours are long and always a little too warm, and the way my head always bumps against your shoulder when we walk because you’re just 3 inches short of being a whole foot taller than me. No, our bodies weren't destined to fit each other. But every time I see yours across the room walking towards me, I get enough nervous butterflies to fill the extra inches, and warm my shaky hands.

And sweetheart, you don’t always show me the love I wish you would; your words aren't always what I’d hope they’d be. Often our conversations don’t go as I planned them to. But I won’t forget the nights I lay awake thinking about the way your un-wished, unplanned words caused me to believe in something more than physical attraction. The way my smile felt like it was going to split my face in two, and the way I laughed even though nothing was particularly funny.

Kid, you never really act the way I want you to, and honestly that’s my favorite thing about you. You are nothing like me, you walk with confidence, like every room is lucky to hold your footsteps. You speak loudly and without inhibitions, because your mind isn't plagued with the fear of others as mine is. And that scares the daylights out of me, but it is impossible to remain invisible when I walk with you. The way you take my hand, and force me forward as if to say, “Yes, I am here, but she is too.”

No, you don’t look, talk, or act the way I imagined my perfect man.

Because you are not the man of my dreams, you are my entire world.

-h.w.

I would set fire
to all the flowers in sight
and watch their petals turn to ash
just to give myself a chance
for you to see me
as beautiful
-h.w.