Some nights are really hard
Some are better than others
I don't know why I sit here sometimes
And look at the videos and pictures of us together.
I don't know why I torture myself with the what if's
And wonder what your up to
I think sometimes that I made a huge mistake
Then get ******* remembering what I put you through.
Sometimes I feel like the pain will never leave
Then in an instant I'm mad as hell
Sometimes I feel like I've lost it all
And I just can't control myself.
Some days I think we're better this way
And some nights I wish I could pick up the phone
Call you to come over and have you here with me
Just so I don't feel so alone.
I always feel like I lost my best friend
And I always feel so empty inside
I try to stop myself from remembering
All of the happiness you once brought to my life.
I try to stop myself from feeling regret
And try to justify the things I've done
Trying to make myself hate you
When it came to ******* up I wasn't the only one.
But then I feel so guilty and terrible
Because you loved me so much
And even though I knew it, I couldn't feel it
And I don't know why your love suddenly wasn't enough.
I made you feel like less of a man
And I just try so hard to forget
I try to live past it every day
It kills me to keep thinking back to it.
An empty abyss inside me lingers
And it wants to reach out to you
I can't help but wish you were here
I can't help but feel that I need you.

You may say the shame is mine,
But I wear it with a pride you can't imagine,
And my head will never be bowed.

We are never the same person twice.
"Now" ends as soon as the word is uttered;
whoever we are in one breath
flickers and fades in the next
until it is a thing of the past,
a guttering candle.

We are never the same person twice.
I promised myself I'd never fall for a smoker.
You promised yourself you'd never smoke.
And we swore to each other we were not promise-breakers.
So tell me,
when I first saw you with
the ****** thing
between your fingers,
why did I so badly crave
the taste of nicotine
as long as it meant
your lips against mine?
And why was I willing to risk
entering your carcinogen-filled haze
just to be near enough
to hold your hand?

You turned me against my own self,
yet I could not bring myself to hate you.
You could not bring yourself to love me,
though I've given you all the reasons to.

We are never the same person twice.
Yet we are not always so volatile.
I constantly find myself on my knees.
I am constantly digging through our ashes,
Searching for embers that must still be there.
I constantly find you towering above me.
You are constantly pacing around in your drenched shoes,
Blindly extinguishing everything we could ignite
With your saltwater tears I know will never be for me.

We are never the same person twice.
I await the morning this actually feels true.
The morning I wake up a version of me
That is no longer in love with every version of you.

A hero in a book or movie.
Fighting the evil queen.
Reclaming a homeland-or mountain.
Saving the world with a companion in a blue boxs.
Leading a rebelion.
Beind captain of a ship- Serenity or the USS Enterpise.
Cathing a serial killer.
Or stopping a psychotic well dressed villian.
One man or woman saving the world.
When I was younger I wished I could be like them.
But now I can barely fight the demons in my mind.
Why would I dream of saving the day when I am not sure I want to live another day?
Life is no fairy tail.
This is not Middle-Earth or Narnia.
There are villians and monsters yes but not ones that we can defeat during wizzard chess or with a want or lazer sword.
They are just as real and dangerous.
But the live in our minds.
I tried to run from the watching tv series and movies and reading books.
Dreaming of another life.
But eventualy the demons got closer to chatching up.
And no hero will be able to safe me.
I will have to fight the monsters in my head myself, all on my own.
And I hope that I will be strong and brave enough when that time comes.

smoke and ghosts,
utter emptiness.

the moon drifting
in a smouldering sea
of grey inks.

Mine lonesome eyes,
                                     Drowning in sorrow....


©Brandon nagley
©Lonesome poet's poetry