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I saw a picture of a girl.
and I thought
Hollowed out-
And caved in.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If her lovers hands traced her carved out collar bones.
If his mouth left bruises that marked her for days,
Like a trail along her chest as if to say her skin is mine.
Did he do it with love?
Did he ever wonder when the last time she thought to take up space.
Did he stop to think, that the melody he plays out as they make love-
Is her ribs giving the appearance of a piano.
Bones pressed against skin.
A symphony that plays out like an apology
"Never to thin" it sings.
I saw a picture of a girl and I thought,
Wasting away is an awful way to live.

- because we've always been told skinny is beautiful and we disappear and no one wonders where we go.
I am trapped in a straitjacket
Unable to move
I may as well be in a casket

Trying to remember how I got here
Everything is so unclear
I am blindfolded and everything starts to disappear

Out of control
Out of my mind
Out of a soul

I fight against the sleeves
Thrashing, resisting
Trying so hard to leave

Doctors whispering reassuringly
But the words don't reach me
No matter how kindly

In an asylum you don't pay rent
Because you are a slave against your will
Held there just for thinking something different

Not a single letter
No one wants to talk to the insane
No one even thinks you'll ever get better

Then you lose hope in your own recovery
No one else believes it, why should you?
You forget what it is to even be free.


This straitjacket gets no easier to bear
I pull and pull
But it gets no better to wear
Draw it they said, let it all out.
So I gave that a go and I drew what I felt.

But they didn't see.

Sing it they said, make it a song.
So I sang them a tune to describe what was wrong.

But they didn't hear.

Say it they said, make it a play.
but when I tried that they just looked away.

They weren't watching.

Write it they said, share us your story.
So I wrote them a novel that didn't have glory.

But they didn't read it.

Why are you sad? Are you in pain?
They ask me again as I struggle in vain.

Am I really here?
All the suggestions on how to help....
Am I the only one that has their demons feasting upon their souls?
They say it is easy to tie a noose around your mind,
To overcome the urges and temptations of ending your life with a suicide
They don't know the true pain and torment that is going on in my head
An epic battle that leaves me with restless nights in bed
"End your life already" they say, as they prey on me during my weakest hours
Sometimes I give into the voices, carrying the sharp blade to my wrist
Crying as I struggle to mutter three powerful words that keeps me going
Choking on my sobs, my lungs deflate with a desire to say that God loves me
I try to convince myself that God is trying to test my faith
And to just wait, wait and wait
Then my Demons will eventually go AWAY.....

~Imperfect Desire **
ɪᴛ's ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴀᴛ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ
   ᴀɴᴅ sᴛᴀʀᴇ ᴀᴛ ɪᴛ ɪɴ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴅ
   ᴛᴏ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀ ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀs sᴇᴇɴ ɪᴛ
ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʜʏ ʜᴀs ɪᴛ ʙʟᴇᴅ?  

ɪᴛ's ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢʟᴀʀᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴍʏ ʟɪᴇs
   ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ɪ ᴡɪsʜ ɪ ʜᴀᴅɴ'ᴛ sᴀɪᴅ
   ɪ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀ ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀs ʙᴇᴇɴ ʜᴜʀᴛ
ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀᴅs ɪɴsɪᴅᴇ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ?
It's not good for me, but I do it anyway.
 May 2018 Anne Augustine
Can you see the girl in me whom you loved
Can you hear the child in me whom you cared
Can you feel the mother in me whom you relied
Can you see the bombshell in me whom you needed
Can you see the old lady in me whom you comforted
Can you see the advisary in me whom you believed
Can you see the wife in me whom you trusted
Can you see the friend in me whom you liked
Can you see the fading me in me whom you hated
Can you see the failing soul in me whom you tortured
Can you see the falling angel in me whom you defeated
Can you just see the me in me ?
Can you ?
When a relationship is totally broken no images remain
Do you recall
The feeling of fall
With burning leaves
Dancing trees
And a breeze that pervades through all?

Do you remember
The chill of winter
That quiet slumber
And smell of lumber
As you sleep by the fireplace's dying embers?

Do you sing
With the thought of spring
And its blooming flowers
The cheesy lovers
That smile as the wedding bells ring?

Do you honor
The handsome summer
In its endurance
The assurance
And oppression of its motherly warmth

Do you feel
As if life isn't real
That all you see is a dream
That you may fall from the seams
Of the universe?

Even if everything is nothing
And our actions are but indistinguishable vibrations
Upon the vast lake of stars

Is it too much to ask
To remain asleep
And live in my fantasies
Superficial or deep?

And reap what I sow?
And decide to stop or go?
And live as I please?
And be who I want to be?

— The End —