i don't wanna fall in love.
i don't want to completely give every part of myself to someone
i don't want to share myself
my every achin need with someone else
call me selfish
call me scared
call me relentlesss
call me daring
call me afraid

call me all of the things you were afraid to say
i was the girl in the background
the dark alley
looking at you with her
cuddled up in the corner with your tounge down her throat and her feverishly keeping up to beat

wondering how she could give herself to someone like that
wondering what compelled her to want to make her lips touh yours
was it lust?
was it love?
was it something that you could get back as often as you gave it out.
little did i know that things i'd find out sooner tha later

make me sure of myself.
make this feeling go away.
make me wanna love myself
cant keep doing this
these feeling's keep resurfacing and not facing them is making situations to much to handles
i start to feel the veins popping out of my hands again
like dehydration
but its not the lack of water/
its the lack of me, myself, of self reassurance

and maybe ill go back and rethink every heart wrenching decision that ever came across my mind
anything that ever affected me in any way that made me change my thinking
when im wrong and i cant handle it
when i sit in complete darkness and thing about you
but i think about the comfort that im  not feeling with you here
im thinking about if you were to be here and them comfort i still wouldn't feel and how that would make me cringe and cry and never want you and make me need you and realize that the things that i want aren't the things  i need
its a change in the security of the things of need
a thing in the displacement of the things i need to feel that void in my heart
its like waking up and needing you by my side but when i see you there i realize that i just wanted that physical aspect of seeing your face to fill the void of everything i couldn't handle
not the meaning inside of myself not knowing what i want right when i want it
its the simple thing as if not having you there is enough
its the self reliance i need to feel to make sure that me, myself is good enough with having enough comfort in myself to know how to handle situations alone
being alone and knowing how to handle things alone without needing you by my side
mentally, and emotionally
and ill look you in the eyes
and tell you that i need you
and look in the mirror
and stare at my reflection
in realization that i've needed myself a lot more all along
and you can ask how im going to be without you
and i have a good sense that ill be fine
until you find someone else to write about and call mine

my path to self destruction
not going to start this off as a nostalgic way of telling you a sappy sad story of how i wasn't this way and how one event,
something,
led up to me feeling this way,
although maybe,
in the slightest way that'd help YOU'D understand,
it doesn't help the inner part in me that needs to get these raging,
burning,
thoughts out of her head, MY HEAD
the way i think about things now,
the way my mind rejects anything that's primarily anything that's somewhat,
the least bit good, and not the goodness as in the laughter that can brighten your mood,
but the outcast feeling,
the feeling of always being isolated,
of knowing that you'll never really have anyone to count on,
that no one will ever really be listening to what you're saying because no one really has the time to dig down deep into your mind,
to understand what you're really thinking,
and those people that have been there, they know,
they sense what you're going through, and they want to help,
they want to tell you it'll be okay,
but how the **** are you going to sit and tell me, someone who's going through the exact same things as you that its going to be okay when you're at rock bottom just like me
when you want to burn your feelings and make them drown, and choke like you're doing everyday with the thoughts that haunt you,
that cloud your mind with thoughts that are so dark you have to close your eyes, and shut the darkness out so it doesn't affect you in the way it normally does,
the way you're used to,
so you're forced to find another way to make a gateway for the pain to escape
you will never be able to