Thanks for nothing. These past few days really have shown some true colors.
I'm sorry I love you
I'm sorry I care
I'm sorry we ever got involved
I'm sorry for trying to help
I'm sorry for noticing those cuts on your arms a few years ago
I'm sorry for falling in love with you
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you now
I'm sorry I'll never be good enough for you
So thanks for nothing. I've been wanting to cry my eyes out all day and praying for you to at least look at me in the street when you're coming at me with your car.  
I'm sorry I'm not skinny.
I'm sorry I'm not pretty.
I'm sorry I have an annoying laughter.
We went to the doctors and I was forced to look at the spot you first kissed me
I'm sorry I have a dry mouth
I'm sorry I'm awkward with my body
I'm sorry my hand doesn't perfectly clasp into yours
Yesterday I watched a documentary about drugs
I'm sorry I stopped you from living your life
I'm sorry I crush all your dreams
I'm sorry I let my own fears interfere with your life
I see you standing there when I'm waiting for no ******* reason and I just want to feel your body again intertwined with mine
I'm sorry I'm short
I'm sorry my hair is always tangled and has static
I'm sorry I'm at least a good eight inches shorter than you
(8 inches from heaven)
I brace myself for you when I'm at my own door.  I miss you coming up and saying hey with that stupid smirk that I've traced over and over in my head
I'm sorry I don't initiate things
I'm sorry I think your presence is a present
I'm sorry you shut the door
And I didn't knock
I saw the spot where I ran up to you two years ago and gave you a hug because I hadn't seen you in over a month.
I'm sorry for our past.
I'm sorry for not kissing you that moment.
I'm sorry for nearly knocking you over.
I see you when I'm doing math, mental or not
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you
I'm sorry I didn't care at time
I'm sorry that a ******* parabola makes me think of the never ending possibility that there could be someone else
You're making me realize that everything that we are is a mistake.
I see you in the bricks that are in the walls. They take me back to when we started talking on that wall about music
I'm sorry we like the same music
I'm sorry for not holding your hand
I'm sorry you have become such a solid thing in my life
I see you in ever ******* face I've been trying to draw but I can never perfect the lips because I can't remember how they felt up to mine
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I'm sorry for thinking love is real
I'm sorry for thinking we could work
I'm sorry for all those times I held your hand because now I realize that you were a drug and you're gone and that this is withdrawal.
I'm so ******* sorry.

For years, I've waited
For a chance to come
To hold your hand
And to call you mine
Every year I felt
Like I took another knife to my chest
But I never said anything
Because I secretly wished
That good things came
To those who waited

You see,
I always had this dark thought
That people who rushed making decisions
Would meet their doom
Just as fast as they took their chance

But more years came
And more knives I took

One year,
I saw my chance
You held it
Like it was yours
And I was very ecstatic
That no one but you held it
You grasped onto my chance
Like it was your life
Like it was the most precious thing in the world
Then, I decided not to take my precious chance
Away from you
I decided to wait for you
To offer it to me
Because that would've felt better

I decided to wait for you
To finally hold my hand
And call me yours

I decided to wait

I subliminally agreed to myself, again
That good things came to those who waited

You continued on with your life
But you still kept my chance
I wanted you to give me my chance back
But you never did...

I watched my chance come and go
I watched you give my chance away
To someone else..
I watched as you crushed my heart
And I didn't say a word
Nor did I ever tell you
That I was hurt

I just watched you take a chance
but not on me..

And all I did
was wait..
...and watch

Why do we feign such rapturous delight,
in pretence to others that all is alright,
what if the soul is quietly suppressed,
cloaked in darkness, hidden and repressed,

Are we ashamed to drape the veil,
to retreat into darkness and embrace the pale,
truth can be found from deep in a frown,
so why wear the clothes and tears of a clown.

© H V Swan