I thought it was gonna be good
i was wrong

It's been a while since I wrote,
Since I usually only write when I'm struggling
And lately ive not been struggling
Since my mom moved out and I moved back in
Since I became tired of school
Since I became normal

I'm sick of being normal
I want to be on an extreme
I want to be depressed
I want to be elated
Ive felt both sides of the spectrum and I'm bored of being nothing special anymore
I'm sick of doing nothing all day because I find it relaxing
I'm sick of talking to strangers all night because the people in my life in front of me don't entertain me anymore.

Wife me up is a weird phrase, isn't it?

Spanish class shouldn't be this boring

Why can't he be my own age? And not make bad choices, like me?

I'm the bad choice, not the one who makes bad choices
I think

I'm sick of saying "I think" and people accepting that as fact and being okay with the fact that nothing is definite

Life me up, please

I said it was "cold sweat";
My hair was just wet
from a shower last night

Last night, I lay and stared at your face
I don't think I've ever seen anything that sincere,
I have never had anyone look at me
With that
Admiration
Before.
Staring into your eyes,
I realized that I was probably looking at you the same way.
I felt like you could see all of me,
And you loved everything you saw.

If I go one more hour without talking to you, my heart will explode
As is, my face is breaking, my chest is tightening around something that is only getting larger with regret

When you stab dry sand it takes a different shape  but is otherwise unchanged

If I were you,
I would love to hate myself

I feel like a child using adult words

I'm so sick of not having the words to describe how I feel anymore.
The smallest of provocations makes me cry, sometimes as soon as I lay down the tears start flowing and I can't ever stop them before I text a friend, or my boyfriend.
My boyfriend, who treats me as if my feelings are dumb, though he swears he doesn't mean to.
They reply with "what's wrong" and
I can't give them an answer
My best friend says it's OK,
My boyfriend sends a confused face.
And time and time again I apologize for not knowing what's wrong, for inconveniencing them with my feelings, but saying this makes me feel even more helpless.
I can't even tell the truth to myself anymore.
I'm lying in my bed crying for no reason.
**Help me please

Honestly,
I will drown you,

Breathing is but a luxury

What the hell was I thinking?

Should I still get nervous around you? Or does that mean we don't work...?

The water, too hot
The faucet got cold,
And with it my feet,
My most sensitive parts are suddenly burned by the touch of this warmth
This warmth is no campfire though,
It engulfs my body and I am left,
Charred and crying,
Please just go away

Pain just means you're alive

People leave, people die.
That's the only sure thing in this world.

My thoughts;
I forgot how to kiss, what do I do?
Then. . .
Bliss

Never date your closest friends

How to describe something so normal yet strange - I don't know.
She laughs at everything,
even though her eyes tell a different story -
her eyes seem tired, relaxed-
but when she speaks, full of life, radiant,
somehow wanting more than the
situation
has to offer.
He quietly strokes her arm, and in the silence there is a wonderful peace that is spread across her face, a faint smile still stains her lips, but otherwise she is blissfully sleeping.
That is,
until his hand starts moving across her body,
to her other arm
her wrist
her hand
her hand
her stomach
her hand
her arm
her stomach.

In her state, a finger near a belly button is enough to set off the fireworks
that had been lit hours before,
in a fit of smoke,
ignited by the words, "another hit?"

Someday I hope for my tears to turn gold
Then at least,
my face will be pretty

When I can't sleep I think about you
When I can sleep, I dream about you

When I can't cope, I leave without you

When I can't smile, I look at you
When I can smile, I gaze at you

When I can't breathe, I wait for you
When I can breathe, I wait for you to stop me

Its just weird how one moment I can be happy its over and the next Im crying because it is

I'm trying so hard not to think because once I do I can hear what is going on around me and I'm trying so hard not to think because once I don't I can't hear what is going on inside me

If nothing else, I'll miss my friends
If nothing else, I'll tell him how I feel
If nothing else, I'll give myself to people who I've spent more than half my life with and I'll leave me with us here, miles and miles away from a new place I'll call "home"

.

My sanity hurts

My best friend doesnt understand and
that is the saddest thing I can think of.

I told her I want someone to tell me that my feelings are valid, that his feelings are valid, I don't want anyone to take my side anymore, I don't want anyone to tell me he's crazy, or he's an alcoholic, or that I'm in a "weird position".

Friends can't help but take their friends' side when in an argument with anyone, but I don't want sides anymore I just want confirmation that I'm not ******* crazy.

I just want to tell someone what's going on. Period. End of story. I just want someone to purely listen, don't say what they think they should, view it with an outsiders perspective, and don't try to change anything, don't try to understand because you don't, but just try to listen.

I just don't want to talk to someone in fear that they will try to intervene, that they will try to fix something. And for some reason I see that as a bad thing, and its because I don't want to make him mad. Because telling someone how I feel would be telling them that I'm scared when he's been drinking. And nothing good comes out of that.

I really think if he just stopped drinking we could be ok, but I don't know how to make that happen. I just want to be ******* happy again is that so much to ask?

1.  Ice falling into a glass
2. The opening of a diet coke can
3. Him stomping
4. Him sitting in the chair in the kitchen
5. Him coming close to my door
6. Him going to the bathroom outside my room
7. Loud music after 9pm
8. Him talking
9. Him screaming
10. Him laughing
11. Him breathing
12-infinity. Any association that reminds me of home 3 years ago

And this isnt to say hes an alcoholic its just to say that when he drinks I view him as the monster my mom made me think he was and although I know he's a good man I can't help but go right back to being scared in my room, hearing them yell at each other in the other room and you know I have never honestly said that I have been abused but I have been abused. Emotionally, psychologically. I love this man but he also scares me to death and that isn't fair. I'm going to model my parenting after everything my parents weren't and I can't wait to be a mom just to see my child be so much better off than I am.

It feels like for every good day there's enough bad in 1 hour to **** all the good out of my life.
Maybe if you'd just stop ******* smoking and drinking things might be ok, because we only ever have problems when you're not sober.
And you for some reason can't see that as the issue but ******* it really is and every time I hear you walk or laugh or say a single word while you're under the influence I cringe because I'm ******* scared you'll say anything to me and I'll go to bed
Crying again

Maybe when my pieces come back together ill be stronger than before

I wonder
why we fear
the very thought of
Death