I don’t know where I’m going
I know where I have been
I want to get going
On the life I imagined
I want I linger I decide I regret I realize I dwell on the

he said I was his dream girl, his grandest love, his sweetest thing
I desire him but need to be spoken of in power words not words of ownership and lack of autonomy
I am persuasive I am strong
I am forceful fierce and nasty when I wasn’t supposed to be
I have an angry streak a side of me I only let those I love truly see
I hurt the ones I love when they hurt me
I make mistakes I’m imperfect I’m messy I’m unstable
But I also love deeper I cry harder I laugh with abundance and such intoxicating infectious ness it moves mountains
I am creative I am a gypsy I am compassionate and adventurous and humorous and butterflies fly freely to my heart because even the sweetest things in life fly to those that are equally as sweet
I breathe in ice take the hurt out of your pain and breathe out fire and action and triumphant desire
You will long for me when I am gone
Of that I am sure
I am a hard one to hold onto
You were a good one to love and be loved by

Make no mistake there are those I miss but no one who has ever loved me has ever been able to forget.

I am lion, hear me roar
I dare to be free of societal norms
I wish to travel the world and see myself in challenging situations
Unpredictable circumstances
Overwhelmed with obstacles and facing my fears by tackling them one at a time
Head on no hesitation no turning back no guide to lead me in the right direction
I wish to fall and pick myself back up again, even if it hurts sometimes
I yearn to learn from my mistakes, I dare to make big ones
I long to be uncomfortable
I want I need I must do and be and see what will become of me in the most uncomfortable surroundings
I wish to smell the air in different cities
To walk along new and old roads that my feet have never touched
Unpaved dirt paths cobble ****** streets grass at my feet
I want to soak in the soil and smell the earth as I pitch my tent in the wild
I am looking for something bigger than myself
Something outside the realm of comfort to test my ability to take risks
to be spontaneous to be resourceful to find myself again and again
to be free
to be wild
to live with no regrets and go and DO exactly what I want to
to listen to the song in my heart and the beat of my drum to
to really see people for the first time
not just look but really see them, see their souls, hear their stories, share our wanderlust in our togetherness, to feel the authenticity of sharing the same thoughts
share our experiences and our joys as we embark on new journeys every single day
to fall in love with strangers to jump off the cliffs to search out what it means to really be alone
aloneness – to find out what it takes to be fully happy being alone, not lonely, but alone
to give as much as I can give of myself, my creativity, my endurance, my pain, to let go
to try hard, to work hard, to make a difference
to be seen
to be heard, to be one with nature and to live with such lightness that I soar above all possibilities, to fly free as the birds
I want to be exactly who I am and more
I want to find out what I can do when I am out of my element
Out of my comfort zone
What will become of me when I no longer have the safety net of home around me?
I need this. For myself. To prove to myself I am bigger than a passive pawn in the twisted game of this American life
I will conquer
I will triumph
I will live up to my fullest potential
and I will surprise myself
I will never be fully happy until I do this.

You're my warmth when I'm cold
You're my light when I've gone out
You're my smile when I cry
You take the pieces of me that I hate and love them to pieces

What you are is a true believer
A seeker
A do gooder
And an earth loving, optimistic boy who is determined to save the world

I don't know if we are right together but together right now feels right.

A poem about you.
Give love
Be and see love
You forget yourself when you think of me
And then you remember you are the surest thing
Your dream is the dream that will be remembered
You fight on through your loved one’s peril
You make me want to punch you with your self-righteous remarks
Your judgments that injure me and my actions
Your opinions that speak louder than words as if the louder you speak, the more they will ring true
You have eyes of blue steel that have stolen my heart
Your strength in character shows up on the red on your sleeve
You understand when I fight against you
You forgive when I slap and ridicule you
You give your heart away, your time to me, you love harder and stronger than anyone I've ever known
You give yourself more to acts of kindness for me
You love freely with no boundary
You see me
You forgive me

I care too much about the little things you say
The things that matter to me don’t matter to you
It hurts
Money is lacking
Security is nowhere
Stability does not exist
Responsibility is you being irresponsible
Time and time and time again
These are all words you deem you hate
Yet you declare you hate nothing
No thing matters to you and that spells out “WARNING” signals to my aching heart

I ache for normalcy
I yearn for stability
I want to build a life with you, you declare it
Yet the building blocks are not there
I want you to succeed
But wanting and waiting and wishing and hoping are taking its toll on me

I want your brand of love but I deeply need stability
what is there to do?
can both exist between me and you?

Familiar fingers caress skin like leather as they hold me together
From crying from lying
From flying away to the back alleyways of broken staircases painted wet with forgery
Stolen brushstrokes of love and deception she gathers her courage to stay put
But her ankles twitch and flutter like butterfly wings coming free for the first time out of their chrysalis
And I have to remember if I leave you I will miss this
I will miss your hair as it kisses bed sheets and flings through fingers with a curl that twirls with mine
The way your spine fits with mine like bone to muscle skin that shines
Glistening with sweat encased affections and such a fine sensation it is when you speak words that mean my thoughts and my touch runs across your leg
Like the puddle of dread singing notes of how we could be together without the stormy weather ripping each other apart
My grace meets your passion in a way unlike any I have known
You sing lessons of truth when you tell me your dreams
Making me feel like the sky is lighting up for me with its moonbeams
Holding back my breath I bite back my fears and show you my tears
Only sometimes
I grab onto those moments we share when we’re so close there’s no escaping no telling whose breath begins and whose fingers are shaking
Because my action might halt in fear frustration but my mind is free to wander over to the time you traced my back with your fingers pushed your love into my bloodstream my veins were calling out your name
The way we found one another was in pure curiosity

Lightly, darling, live lightly, Lightly dollface, live brightly and let the darkest, deepest, heaviest parts of your soul drip down your rib cage over your bones. Feeling it all, just let it fall to your toes, down in the ground and all around.
An effortless flow let the black of your mind seep into the meaning of time
spread your roots and just breathe.
Look about you. You will shed darkness so it reveals the light that is you The you that is always yearning to greet the heavenly sun.

listen to me
listen to my thoughts breathing in and out with air and bubbling frustration of not being able to speak
my thoughts are running away from myself
running through my head but away from my mouth they direct themselves inward spiraling around my heart as they guess and second guess and third guess themselves again wondering if they should peer outside this body of mine or not
it is so much safer to not
safe and secure beneath my blood and pumping veins the thoughts of my brain keep hidden away from others
they dive deeper into my own
my self
and lock themselves in underneath muscle and bone
tucked away in the crevices of my  ribcage
hiding behind veins blue and red caught inside so deep they will have to fight a million pieces of flesh and skin to just get to the top of my brain once again
fighting is not what they are good at
they are good at hiding
staying safe and warm in the comfy cozy oneness and aloneness and darkness that is my body
my body will keep safe and hidden as long as I let it
and my fight will be a long dream like sleep that takes over my life
should I wake it up and scream and shout?
Or stay tucked in bed for my whole life long?
Is the fight really worth it?
What will come of me if I never let out my opinions? if I never dream or dare to let others peer inside my dreams or fears and lusting longing for luscious luxurious love?
What if I just stay safe and secure because that is certain and the only way to not get hurt
The struggle between fighting for my own voice to be heard and the safety net of my hidden soul lingers

My brain and my heart do not get along
They are like school girls in 8th grade. Pretending the other one exists and acting like they care to their face but they are two faced structures
And when they turn their backs neither one of them praises the other. They are like old wounds deepening with the lack of care for each other
The only way to make them see one another is to really look
Do not ignore
Do not disregard
Do not deny
Denial is the death of forgiveness the enemy of love and the trigger for all self-mutilation
I will someday Self destruct and it won’t be anyone’s fault but my own head and my own heart and the nuclear bomb that they create
I should be the therapist that sits them down and mediates their listening skills:

Head, you go first:
Head: I want my feelings to be heard and my thoughts to be remembered and my voice to have an active role in humanity!
Heart: but I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to get in the way, staying silent is the only way to keep me safe and sane
Head: then you will never be awake in your life. You will live silently dream alone, until no one remembers who you were or what you wanted or what you gave to this world – what about giving back? Do you want to change the world we live in? Or just sit in silence and watch it pass you by?
Heart: I want love and be loved. I want to be remembered for my quiet power, my resilience, my humbleness, my healing power. My discreet strength in maneuvering the stronger voices that surround me. My voice is capable of change. Through transition and pushing through other people’s thoughts in a different new position
I will be invaluable to anyone who needs a listening ear, a soft sponge, a sensitive sounding board. I will let them use me like a sponge while I swiftly take note of how to change them. To make them love me so that they listen to my words with care. They think they are using me, but really I am the one using their brave voice to be the voice of my own. To influence the strong voices around me is the one discrete and passively strong way I can assert my voice upon the world. I will use my quiet power for good.

OR I could just share this poem
And then my silence, as it stands will end.

“Maybe we should break up Again.” She said as she twirled her hair through her fingers on her left hand.
The hand that soothed his soul just days ago with a stroke so light it healed wounds wherever it landed.

The silent healer
The passive sponge
The fearful voice of reason
The quiet power that she is will come undone
Soon she will realize her strength and her longing to be let out
Soon she will rise up out of the darkness and shout out her desires
Right now though
It feels good to be locked up and silently fuming with greatness
Bubbling fermenting rumbling simmering with a power that is intensely introverted
Spiraling inwards as she asks herself why should I? how can I? where do I go after it all ends? am i good enough? am i enough? am i the one?
take a good look at yourself in the mirror darling and repeat after me...

Who else can but me?

Restless slumber

Lying awake in your bed
My restless thoughts flutter
I'm so predictable
And yet so in love with you
I thought we were through
But there's more left to do with you
You said it at the peri peri of nando
There's still more left on the table for us

I can't stop falling back into your arms
We quit and let go
Then grow a little stronger
The distance teaches us to be kind to ourselves to overcome to change for the better
Then we relapse I collapse into you and smell your chest hair
The familiar game of love tugs at my heart strings
I want to have the guts to take my new grown wings and fly free
But there's some sort of something between you and me
Unlike any other
No one has shown me who I am capable of becoming and believed in me so strongly so passionately even the queen of doubters myself began to see the truth in your words

I saw it because you saw it and I started to believe until I forced it to come true
The life you've helped me take a bite of is a good one
I can see clearly now I am not blinded by self doubt I have unloaded self hate and fear and can grasp the future I have always wished for
My dreams have become my reality

Thank you for seeing me
For loving me when I hated myself
For believing in the depth in me when I didn't even know it was there
Stretching my limbs I can feel confident in my skin

I love how we fit in each other's arms
One love one move by me means another limb falls effortlessly into place
Draped over my new body
It's ok to love the parts of you you hate
If you love them enough to let them go
They will

Your hand on my *** as I snuggle away lightly cupping my flesh letting me know you're there
You love me
You care
I can't let go of you
Not yet
We learn too much from one another
Teach each other to heal the wounds with patience with honesty with desire
Create worlds of beauty together build community together
Hand grazes over your skin as I trace the words I want you on your back

With you or without you I will always cherish this

Familiar fingers caress skin like leather as they hold me together
From crying from lying
From flying away to the back alleyways of broken staircases painted wet with forgery
Stolen brushstrokes of love and deception she gathers her courage to stay put
But her ankles twitch and flutter like butterfly wings coming free for the first time out of their chrysalis
And I have to remember if I leave you I will miss this
I will miss your hair as it kisses bed sheets and flings through fingers with a curl that twirls with mine
The way your spine fits with mine like bone to muscle skin that shines
Glistening with sweat encased affections and such a fine sensation it is when you speak words that mean my thoughts and my touch runs across your leg
Like the puddle of dread singing notes of how we could be together without the stormy weather ripping each other apart
My grace meets your passion in a way unlike any I have known
You sing lessons of truth when you tell me your dreams
Holding back my breath I bite back my fears and show you my tears
Only sometimes
I grab onto those moments we share when we’re so close there’s no escaping no telling whose breath begins and whose fingers are shaking