i don't believe in extremes
to follow the belief
that one has to be something
and not the other
is absolutely absurd
or at least somewhat absurd
because i don't believe in extremes

when you told me you loved me
every part of me
my twists and turns
and the sharp curbs of my dark alleys
where i keep the real monster
i scoffed
brushed it off
like the momentary dust
that, i believed, mimicked your sentiment

but when you came looking for me
when i was intoxicated
with something strange
not just alcohol
two hours before the sun started to rise
i looked at you and i swear
i swear
i had to catch myself
because i thought of something
only ***** gave my brain courage to think
i never would have thought this
before you

see, i never believe in extremes
well...
believed

Today
I am...                                                                                            I am but
                                                                                                       a shadow,
of who I was. A broken, grey thing.
                                                                                                     a voiceless
thing, miming lyric and ****** rhyme,
A broken watch that's keeping time
and the watch has hands, but it's
                                                                                                     faceless
and in the broken wiry strands, I'm
                                                                                                    hidden,
waiting to stop time, and rewind
back to the moment when you shared my misery.
But you broke free,
and now you mock me.
Your laughing life mocks me, leaves me
                                                                                                    raging,
and vainly                                                                                  hunting
How dare you be a beautiful something,
and leave me behind to be this ugly
                                                                                                    nothing.

no
no
go away
you've caught me at a bad time
no
no
not right now
I'm busy
so busy
my head is spinning
I can't hang out today
I'm busy breaking mirrors
I can't party all night long
I have to stain my bed with tears
I'd love to see a movie
But I'd rather see scars on skin
I could celebrate with you
but I'm choking on candy confetti
Why scream at a concert
when I can scream
my own self loathing and frustration
till my throat is raw
no
no
go away
I can't come out to play
I'm busy
so busy
dying and dying
and dying

Dear reader,

Have I mastered the art of being sad, making my everyday living slumbering in dreamland fantasy?  Then my reality is in wintry weathery moments that I feel numb from too much cold. Is isolation my best buddy for the mean time? Well those questions will remain in this journal, to immortalize the moment of my depressing situation.

I brought up the transparent duct tape in placed always for people to see the lively image I pretend. Sometimes I’m tired of the choices and expectations I created. Though I never regret all of them, I just find them depressing for often times I wonder did I really make an awful choice.  Still at the back of my mind I fantasize a positive outcome of all those.

Wisdom grows as you aged, Maturity becomes you and Changes have eaten you. Now I wonder did I totally embrace reality or my life in tune with negativity. Despite all this, I will surely survive and live up to the choices I created. Someday I will surpass this in time.

            Thank you for reading…

Your friendly neighbor,
w.Pax :(