i am reminded again of why i hate hospitals,
                                        especially when there alone.

maybe it's the scuffed floor or ugly upholstery of the chairs,
             or the doctors half-attention,
             or the way everybody stares,
             or the way i try not to....
             or  the way that one guy just needs to ask me what book i'm reading.
"it's... well, it's a book about these writers who are deceived into isolation
    and they write all  these stories of life and desperation"                              
              (he doesn't actually care)
              i hide in my hair.
              at least we tried to have a conversation....
              and then we just sit there,
              until she calls the next patient.
              i hope i'm next.

i am reminded again of why i hate hospitals,
                                       especially when there alone.

maybe it's the stale air up against the smell of warm blankets,
             or being fully clothed but feeling totally naked,
             or being wheeled around to some other location,
             or that being wheeled around kind of feels like
             a ****** up vacation....
             (you just get to lay there)
             ((and be numb))
but i think it's the way she rubbed that gel **** all over my tummy
                                                                     and that when i say tummy,
                                                                     i don't feel like a woman i feel like
                                                                     a baby
             and the way those plasticky tools let her see right through me
             and the way men just do not know what to do when
             women are bleeding
the nurse named jeff asks me, "oooh, which palahniuk?"
  "it's... well, it's the one about twelve writers who fall into the clutches of
      this crazy guy who locks them all up! this story's about guts n stuff,"
              "nice," he weirdly smirks,
and thankfully gets back to work.
jeff touches my arm a little too much,
and i didn't really want him to have my blood,
and maybe that's just vain stuff
but the conversation was... good enough...

and i am reminded again of why i hate hospitals,
                                            especially­ when there alone.

only got mister palahniuk*
trapped in a purple book,
this paper-bound blood work,
to keep me company.
i lay back with the iv drip next to my bed
as i sweetly surrender to his gory head....
this book, it's called haunted.


*i wish i had chuck's guts ~ literally and figuratively,
he has no ****** and incredible creative bravery.

1.
i know how                                 to feel joy when you feel blessed
                                                      to love you from this side of my LA fence
i knew how                                 to fall in love with you
                                                      to over-use my grin with you

i don't know how                       to be in love with you

2.**                                        
i know that falling in love means                         you like it when they call
                                                            ­                                  and then you're all
                         c           u         h                
                               a           g          t          u p....

i know that falling in love means                     specialized tic tac valentines
                                                      ­                        customized tactical be mine's
                                                          ­                                     and then you're not
                                                      ~so tough~

3.
i know that love is                                              breakfast in bed, and coaxing  
                                                       ­           the bad thoughts out of your head....
                                                        ­       sending them somewhere else instead
i know that love is                                                            lay­ing yourself down
                                                            ­                                                  finding rest
                                                            ­        ....not treating everything like a test

4.
and i know that   the fact that    i keep tripping over and into your shadow
                                                        &  re-attaching it to your feet so
                                                         you don't feel so alone,
                                                         has left me in the dark                  
falling in love was easy
because it's exactly that
falling                                          in the name of "us"
flailing                                         in the name of........whatever gets you off

             (losing your balance is easy when you forget to hold yourself)

5.
                                  i am guilty of being especially curious
                              so i hopped on over to your side of the fence,
                                       and i didn't feel "that togetherness"
                              ......isn't that part supposed to be the best?

6
                                              so, i just don't know how                                                                                        to be in love with you

i think of kentucky when i think of love~
of who we were before
not because of him,
or what i what i thought was happening up above
i think about you standing there, in the library door
or about how intensely i stared at your floor when
i was working up the courage....
i think about how i missed him every single day
                                                 everything was grey
then you played your accordion
and it all went away
                                            *kentucky has the greenest grass i've ever seen
                                                            ­     ~
i begged you away from the edge of the roof once.....
whiskey was heavy on your breath and
the world was heavy on your chest and
you sat next to me and
you didn't jump
i really thought you might....

it was one of the only times
i ever felt like a useful human being in this
                                      whirling winding world of poetic energy
                                                  and compassionate synergy,
                                                        
       ­                                                (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

so.... if talking you away from edges of roofs,
if warmly burrowing in your truths,  
makes me feel like a useful human being in this
                               whirling winding world of self-inflicted lethargy
                                                     and romantic anarchy,

                                                       ­              ok

my dear dear  d e a r  boy.... .. . ..

her eyes are pretty
her smile is wide -- & white,
just like yours
she's tall, she's slim, and
she takes good photos of you on her instagram
her small brunette bun is annoying....................ly cute
her little legs & little arms too
i'm sure it looks like something out of a magazine
when they are wrapped around you...

another hip kid from some northeast city
little Connecticutie~
did she know about me?
does she know that you live right down the street?

she hid behind your shoulder
that's how i knew
that she is in love with you, too
& it feels like someone shoved a grenade down my esophagus
and i'm just  w a i t i n g  for it to ******* in a billion bits
so i can just get over this

and then all the dads will bring their little girlies
and all the ladies will raise their strawberry daiquiris
eyeing the loose shards of my dignity
hoping that they could somehow help with their jaded seniority
going,                                  "lesson number one:
                                     love is never  always fun."

now it's come to this,
my sweet marijuana miss.
ugh i cannot sleep.