I've hidden behind so many "I'm okay"s.
The decieving happiness has become second nature.
My fake smiles and pretend laughs have become easier than the **** down the street.

"How are you?"
Don't hesitate.
Smile.
Sound peppy.
Sound happy.
"Good!"
Was that too peppy?
Too forced?
No one cares enough to notice anyway.
"Are you okay?"
Look confused.
Look surprised they're even asking.
Smile.
Let it roll off your tongue like it has so many times before.
"Of course."
Don't cry.
Dont cry God ******.
"What have you eaten today?"
Think of foods.
Think of foods fast.
Blurt out the first words that come to mind like you're on a gameshow and you're about to win first prize if you can just tell them what you had for dinner.
It all becomes second nature;
After so long of wearing masks
You forget how to wear your real face.
You don't know what's under the mask
You don't remember.
"Don't let them in,
Don't let them see"
Good thing I don't remember how to.
I've painted this smile on my face day after day
I don't know if the paint will come off anymore.

I still want to explain.
I still want you to understand.
I'd do anything for you to undetstand why I left.
I'd do anything for you to understand why I hurt you.
No, it wouldn't change that I hurt you. The Pain was already felt
Your goodbye was a direct result to mine.
But if I explain why mine was said, will you explain yours?
You left so carelessly
don't you care that I still stay up until the early hours of the morning pondering why you decided to delete me from your life?
The way someone leaves says a lot about them.
I guess you're just a question that will never be answered,
a puzzle that will never be solved;
but most of all, you're someone who hides behind the most extreme examples of chivalry when you know youre just an Unhealed wound waiting to happen.

I wish I could feel the same feelings when I kiss him
But the problem is
He is not you
Nor will he ever be.
Maybe that's not a bad thing;
Maybe the feelings you gave me
Were too extreme for me to hold.
Maybe since he doesn't bring me those feelings of pure happiness
He won't bring me crashing into that dark hole of loneliness either;
That hole that I know
All too well.
But what's the point of it all
If I'm just pretending to be content with the way he kisses my neck
And grabs my hips
When I'd much rather have your clumsy fingers brush my side
And tuck my hair behind my ear?
What's the point of it all
If my smile is due to my memory
Of you kissing me
And not because he's kissing me?
There is no point of floating in shallow lakes
When the deep ocean is just a few steps away.

I haven't seen you in so long
but the thought of you
with anyone else
still burns the inside of my chest
and I can't figure out
why I still care about you this much
I shouldn't be missing you still
It's been so long
I shouldn't resent you
for being happy with someone
But I do
Because the only person
I want you to be happy with
is me
Oh god I wish I could just let you go
But whenever the thought of you and me together pops into my head
I get a smile across my face
and butterflies dance around my stomach
and my heart races
and all I know
is that
you're the only person
that can make me feel that way
I know we can't be together
but *I don't want you to be with anyone else either.

You.
One word.
Three letters.
All I can think of is
                                  y
                                    o
                                      u.
Except,
its been one year since I've seen you
and three months since we've talked.
So why can I only think of
                                               y
                                                 o
                                                   u?