it's hard to lose somebody
       you used talked to everyday
& they aren't there anymore
       so a little bit of you dies
day by day, night by night
       until the face in the mirror
isn't           you           anymore

You are my Earth,
The spitting image of me.
Depression is the realist thing
That I have been unfortunate enough to
Live and relive.
Unfortunately I couldn't see.
Beyond the baby years.
Beyond the collicky cries.
You needed love and I wasn't there emotionally
Because no one loved me,
I didn't know how to love then.
And I apologize
I know that you are young now,
But you probably don't think that I care.
They have forced fed you lies.
I want you back and we miss you so much.
Oh if I could just reach out to hug you,
To kiss you and squeeze you.
To tell you how much we miss you..
We love you
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you
Son..

How must it feel, to burn so bright?
As you streak down through the sky,
To become a muse’s delight
As you fall to us, to die?

I watched you fall down through clouds
Down into our field of dreams,
And as they wished in crowds and crowds
I ran to you past joyous screams.

Perhaps as I ran, I made a secret wish,
Perhaps I dreamt of fate and love,
For what I found in that earthen dish,
Was that which I'd but dreamed of

How can I explain to you
What is within me?
I am African
I am American
I am both
And I am neither
I am something
And I am nothing
And yet…I am everything.
But I cannot be like you
Trust me.
I’ve tried.
You say “Welcome back”
Like my roots are in this soil
But how can I explain to you?
Yes.
My body originated here.
But not my soul.
No.
My soul was born in the arms of Mama Africa
She is not the ancestor of my skin
But of my spirit
And my roots run deep in her red earth
Her drumbeat, my hear.
Yet here I am…
I look like you.
I sound like you.
But I am not like you.
And when I try to explain
What I’ve seen
And done
And known
And how I became
You feel as though I am big
And you are not.
But it isn’t true.
I am not bigger.
You are not smaller
We are just…different.
I contain a vastness
That is misunderstood
That vastness holds so much
Yet often feels so empty.
And I cannot be like you.
Trust me.
I’ve tried.
But when I do it feels like chains
Shackles of iron
I try to deepen my roots
For you.
But when I try
I can only seem to spread my wings
And I am sorry.
I am sorry that I cannot make my home in you.
I am sorry that I make you feel small.
I do not mean to.
I am sorry I cannot find the words to explain
What it is like
To feel as though your skin is too tight for your soul
To feel as though you are always
Nowhere and Everywhere
Nothing and Everything
No one and Everyone
Too much…and never enough
I am sorry.
But I am trying.
So when I try…
When I share with you these tangled feelings
When I crack open the door
To the whirlwind within
Do not ask me to shut it.
Please, do not ask me to hide away
Because you cannot relate to the chaos behind my eyes.
Don’t see the mess.
See me.
And love me.
For the mystery that I am.
To you.
And to myself.

I like how you play with alaysha
And help your brother with his homework
That you are patient with me
And that you see the beauty in your mother
That you'll make breafast and reteach me algebra
That you'll wait all week to play a silly game

I love how you let the world roll off your shoulders
And how you tend to forget old inconveniences

I roll my eyes but I'm glad you like
Dragonball and silk jackets and your friends' hiphop
That you point out food process machinery wherever we go
And know the model of every car on the street

I'm relieved you'll laugh at a bad pun
Let me ride shotgun, send a pic of a pug with a manbun

Dear Shueyfufu--
Keep wearing your earrings,
Be nerdy, be hood
Be Mexican and Tech all at once
Live in the Mission and hold back when the documentaries ask you to be angry about gentrification
Buy expensive mango whipped cream cakes from Dianda's
Ride a bike seat too high in Golden Gate Park
Make the sun and grass in Dolores our Sunday chapel
Think about right and wrong and God and Black Mirror society

Have mixed feelings about knock-off street clothes
Get upset that sports wear and vinyl are popular again
That underground artists aren't so underground
That it's "milennial" to hate the gap between the rich and the poor
And that battery technology is a trending dream career

Superglue your glasses together repeatedly
Squeal when my hands and feet or the toilet seat are too cold
Smile with your squinty asian eyes that aren't asian

Watch Bob's Burgers with me
And be upset everytime you realize I watched it without you
Sing "Yesterday" in the car and Vampire Weekend
Play old jazz songs and Chance and Selena
Show me music videos from Calle 13 and Danny Brown
Watch cooking shows and Vice News and Travel Vlogs
Ask Alexa if she loves you and ask her to play December 1963 in the kitchen
Tell me she's listening to everything and advertising to us based on our conversations
Give me motivation to read 1984
Laugh at slapstick gifs and blankly stare at dry British humor

Let's exclaim "Orale, ****" and complain like Brandon, "Ugh no one understands me"
Let's take Ah to the Kawaii store so she can waste money on Squishies
Let's make Brandon try more asian food and show him anime he hasn't seen
Let's dance with your mom at parties and take pictures of her all dressed up
Let's play Clue and Forbidden Island and never play monopoly or the game of life ever again
Let's buy Mario Sunshine and Rock Band and a fancy bidet and eat at michelin star restaurants
Let's save a bunch of money and all go to Hawaii

Maybe someday our
kindred spirits will cross
paths and ignite our lonely
hearts we thought would never glow.