This is madness

i love being alone
but it kills me when i am lonely

i hate you
but it kills me to know you hate me

i fear pain
but pain is all that keeps me alive

do i deserve to die?

I out the blade up to my skin.
not giving it the power
to harm;
to hurt;
the power i wants.

i had the power.
i had the control.
over the object that was both
my best friend, and my worst enemy.

-Desirea Fox

I no longer have the will to mutilate myself with harsh shrieks and crooked lines. It'd only make since if i got rid of the objects, but yet i keep them hidden, just behind all my lies. I honestly have to purpose for them, but i just can't demolish them, because what if one day i decide to create a new purpose for them? Maybe I'm just afraid of change, but that hasn't stopped me for the past year or so. There's been nothing but change, yet those tools stayed secluded, no longer creating any masterpieces. One thing that has remained the same from the start is my tendency to self destruct at any given hour. So sure, there may no longer be a sea of untold stories written all over my body. But the tsunami in brain is on the verge of overflowing. Just one more storm, and this whole ship could be wrecked. The passengers haven't even noticed a change, probably wouldn't mind if the whole ******* ship ran into the bay. So maybe it's true that I'm afraid of change; because in the past five years, the only thing that's changed is the way i chose to paint my picture.

What an odd ingredient sadness is.  

It salts a tear, bittersweets a kiss,
Hungers us for the things we miss,
Ever abundant, such a convenient thing,
I can find it in everything.

A death, a birth, I cry for both,
Gild a sorrow, a wistful hope,
Ripe melancholy I savour most,
Yet a pinch too much is a lethal dose.

I was often told it shouldn’t be,
But the clown that frowns was the perfect me,
Thin taunt and cackle, ghosts everywhere,
Sometimes I hide, but it’s still right there.

Perhaps I’ll woo this lifelong friend,
Embrace this thing I cannot mend.
Odd comfort in a peculiar way,
To know this thing is here to stay.

Demon
We all have our own.
Lurking inside.
Waiting for weakness.
The demon wants weakness.
So it may creep in.
Demonizing us.
To the point, in we give.
Fight the demon inside.
Fight the urges.
The feelings of worthlessness.
Self doubt.
The fears of lonelyness.
Fight the bottle.
The needle.
Put down that knife.
Fight the demon till there is no more to fight.
Fight cause you,re more.