you're the britney definition of toxic
you said things that made my sick to my stomach
so specific it's like you spit a toxin
so i locked myself in
you let the dogs out
i sat there curled on the couch
look what you did to me.
look what i let you do to me.
no more.

everything in life has symmetry.
your warm tender lips and the olive green oak tree
i can't tell you how much you mean to me
you render me completely helpless yet free
when i am with you i feel so complete
please, please never leave me.
you are my sweet symmetry.

shaking, i'm shaking, i'm told.
like i can stop it somehow
one second i'm in class
the next
i'm on a stretcher
being asked by my principal
if i'm alright?
seizing, you're seizing, you're having a seizure
i'm told as i
puzzle together my surroundings
and as i do i begin to cry
why me? i ask
what did i do to deserve this?
even now, my memories of that day have been tampered
as if some omnipotent force doesn't want me to remember
the horrors of that day.
my friends tell me i walked out of class
no explanation as to why
maybe i thought it looked nice outside
the white clouds painted across the cool ocean sky

the doctors tell me my nerves are misfiring
but so are the thoughts in my head
for whatever reason i end up again
in some unknown hospital bed.
i close my eyes and count to ten
hoping for this to all just end,
but the stress disagrees with me
and leaves my weak head penned.

the last time it happened was in the bleak december
when the skies were gray with the sun's last ember
i am scared of the odds i won't make it to september
because of some unfair episode i can't even remember

Thursday, April 19th
forever imprinted on my inaccurate brain
the day my grandfather died.
the day my mother was diagnosed with cancer.
the day my life changed forever

people say high school was
the greatest four years of their life
that i should cherish and remember forever
for i will never be able to grab a hold of time
and wish to be back
but how should i remember high school
when memories are being deleted
in my brain's system files
and the only memories i have
are of my family falling apart;
my tears' perpetual flowing down my soggy cheeks?

my friends tell me i'm not alone in this,
but how could i be anything else.
they don't know how i feel,
they joke about it now like it's okay
watch out, they say,
don't have a seizure about it, they joke
by now my eyes are hoover dams
damming the tears from
showing the outside world
my true feelings.

and now i conclude,
as i am no longer in the mood
to sit here in deep introspection
because after all, everyone has imperfections
mine are just more unique.

oh how often i stay awake
laying in bed staring at the ceiling
my sister painted for me
when i was
7 years old.

things were different then
my life wasn't cluttered with
catastrophe and agony
as i dealt with everything around me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

back again in the same spot as before
my head swims parallel to the ocean floor
as i sit in my room
my thoughts are emptied
and my heart is filled with gloom

my uncle, the man that taught me so much
had passed away from a heart attack on his living room couch
i briefly denied the fact he was dead
he couldn't - he wouldn't - it made no sense in my head
i could have been with him but rather instead
i cried for him in his hospital bed
to wake up

these dark sparked remarks
leave my brain spotted with questions
i answer them quietly as i reflect against my past
when a small unknown sound
shatters the silence in my room
it clatters and pit patters resonating my mind's tomb

my heart has fallen through the floor
and my empty thoughts are no more