I’m done bending over backwards for people
Who then ignore me when they see me wave

Sorry to those I hurt
Sorry to those I pained
You will always remain in my heart
No matter who is to blame

Disappointment fills the air
Trouble fills my mind
Anxiety swarming all around
Left in silence
And despair

Memories of you sliding down my face
Trickling straight to the ground
Reality of you leaves my grasp
As I fall to the underground

Consumed by the fear of what others thought about me
Playing a game of charades in every social activity
Slowly loosing sight of my true authenticity
Rather than deal with an occasional adversity
I refused to play another games of charades anymore
As I throw my mask, on my face, down to the floor
I let out a deep sigh and look off to the side
I stand proud in a large crowd
Now that my natural stance is finally allowed

Troubles fill your mind
Rewinding to that dreadful place
A sorrowful time
That may never be replaced

Screams
Shouts
And blood all over

Swings
Gyms
And toys long gone

Grim signs filling that empty place
Long nights imagining that gruesome place
Beautiful sun coved with rainy clouds
Awaiting the time spring is set back in place

These types of things use to make me lay down and cry
Now I just sit here and sigh
Wondering full of despair
How we ever got here
Once the reason for my smiles
Now the reason for my tears

Holding my head up straight
Not letting my crown fall to far
Whispering words of encourage
To the soul inside

I am enough
And always will be adequate
Your actions and words have not strength now
For I have built this confidence of armor
To keep my feet flat on the ground

Pain written across your beautiful face
Beautiful girl you are
Filled with pain from afar
Troubles fill your mind
Burning bridges from all around

Trust long gone
Nothing but dust
Lust in your eyes
For this beautiful new surprise  

Pain hidden behind the barbs  of your heart
Yet openly revealed
On the mind of your eyes
Capturing your internal soul
Bringing the pain to the surface

Beautiful girl you are
With a pained smile on your face

A swirly spring hanging on to my ankle
Holding me down from popping open the box
***** feet running across the trembling floor
Spaghetti boiling over causing a loud sizzle to pop
Screams fill the are and tears fall to the floor


A complete puzzle begins to fall apart
One piece floats away leaving us in despair
A broken world filled with sad little faces
Puzzled together by the pain in the air


A scared little girl lost in the statistics of the world
Sinking to the ocean floor
Tumbling in debris
Scared to move forward

A shiny hook latches on to my back
Pulling me back to the ocean shore
I drop to the sand gasping for a breath of relief
My leg finally released from the spiky thorn


As I stand from the sand
Th box shatters to the floor
Tears fill my eyes
I am finally here

A determined woman filled with passion
Rising above my room statistic written on my face
I scream my worth to the universe
A scared little girl lost in the box
A strong woman climbing to the top

Expectations on these special days
Reality hitting hard
Tears streaming down your face
Why are you so scared?
The dam of life overflowing
Guilt
Sadness
And despair

Never good enough to those around
Always left with open stares
Feeling anxiety building up
Attention all around


Birds flock above your head
Buzzing fills your ears
Imaginations taking over
Reality barely there

Accepting the position of the soggy bun
Left
In disgust
And despair

My wall of steal standing tall against all men
Protecting me to ensure they will not get in

Past the wall of steal is a jungle of thorns
A meadow of bees
And a sea of sharks

My body stands tall enclosed in a glass box
These layers stand tall by years  of misuse

Five year old me getting choked by the boy
Nine year old me standing naked in-front of a male teen
Prior to being drenched by his own ***


Fifteen year old me sitting in a circle 
Preparing for a game of truth or dare
I am told to kiss the boy across from me
I can not do that
I have never been kissed and that is sacred to me
It's no big deal one little peck on the lips
I lean over and close my eyes for I cant seem like a wuss
His tongue touches my lip and forces it way in
My mouth feeling invaded by the unwanted guest

Sixteen  year old me making a new friend
Excited I was for friend were sparse for me
Our adventure  began exploring the woods
But soon my lucky ran out and he wasn't satisfied enough
Week after week he would convince me
Make out with me it will be as great as your favorite candy

Months go by when I realize my worth
His toxic being was eradicated away from me
This however was not enough

Naive I remained as he returned back to me
Laying in my bed cuddling watching a movie
He turns my head and begins kissing me
Dragging his hand down to my sacred places
My voice becomes paralyzed
Enabling me from telling him no
I use my  force to push his hand away
Yet without the verbal no he will not take my answer

Stuck in the circle week after week
Loosing myself from my own betrayal of my body
No courage inside me to scream the word inside me

Broken down I feel
Why didn't I protect me
The voice inside finally speaks rationality
Contact deleted
I don't need that toxicity

Eighteen years old me off on my own
Remains closed off from  all male species
A glimmer of hope shines through

I introduce myself to a man who seems awfully nice
Let's go back to your room and watch a movie
Sounds like a wonderfully idea we can lay down an cuddle
We cuddle up under the covers thirty seconds into the move
The iPad falls to the floor and his mouth is all over me
No question of weather I wanted it
Until his ***** was out and rubbing against me
I felt like a coward I couldn't say no now
I said I guess as I was flipped on my back

Panic takes over
A ****** I yell
I had hoped that would deter him
He told me that was cute
Not long he was done and leaving my room
I felt ashamed for months why did I let him do that to me

One simple word yet I never dare say it
Why not give my body the respect I fully deserve
Because that five year old me feared boys around me
Nine year old me felt like a ***** used napkin
From there it all declined
And that leaves me here

A young woman lost of all respect
Fearing men around me
Desperately waiting for the man that will surprise me

Why do I attach to people so easily
They come into my life
And I latch onto them like a leech

I can't settle these internal cravings
To find the one
That latched back on to me  

Yet instead I find myself easily disappointed
Tossed aside like a useless piece of trash

My soul searches
To realize my own worth
Yet I measure it
Based on the actions of those around me

How many time
Will I be tossed away and forgot
Left without a second look

My need for acceptance is forever growing
Yet this love for me is shrinking
And the dislike is overgrowing

I’m constantly hunting to fix those around me
Willing them to love who they are
To ignore the irrational expectations of society

I hold this undesirable need
To make everyone see what I see
Despite what they may believe

I strive to see the beauty around me
But feel like I’m constantly drowning
In a world not meant for me

I am a person that will forever
See he best in everyone around me
But see the worst in everything inside me

When that boy stole everything from me
Making me feel like a useless scrap
I wholeheartedly believed
It was because of me

Despite the amount of times I am pushed aside
And shoved
I continuously come back
Hoping for the best

I find myself pushed down
And left in the dust
Without a second thought

My issue is
I need to stop searching for the good around me
And start searching for the good inside me

Although the world will remain a hurtful place
Maybe I’ll be able to understand my own grace

Constantly searching
Looking for the one
The one that accepts every part of you

Accepts the good
The bad
And the ugly

However the one will never come
For first you must be the one

You must accept every part of you
Or even greater
You must love every part

At the point of loving all of you
You will feel uttermost relief
Allowing you to fully understand your worth

And not allowing yourself to be knocked down
When you are not accepted by others

Even when it becomes someone you love
For if they don't love you
You will be okay loving yourself