no word is strong
yet gentle enough
to convey what i feel
for you

you hold so much back
while i pour out my heart

i want to go back
and live in the moments
when you looked at me
with loving eyes

now all i see
is pain radiating
from your careful soul

all i’ve done
is stolen a couple beats from your heart
and left you in an ocean of guilt
for breaking mine

I tell you I missed you,
you press your lips together in silence-
as if admitting that you felt the same
would result in the loss of your voice,
forever.

Energy to try is depleted.
I wonder if you'd even see this.
Not that I have problem telling you
how I feel-
but if you were wondering what it's like
to feel like I do...
who am I kidding?
You'll never even look at this.
You're not a stranger, and I almost wish you were-
so the fact that you don't check this regularly
didn't make me feel so insignificant.
And if you did check,
you'd see I'm making you famous
but you never needed help,
so I guess it doesn't matter.
No wonder you never look.

My body won't allow me to feel for you anymore.
Though the warmth of your blanket is comforting-
it's not enough when the cavity in my chest
is empty.
When we're not together it's filled with promise,
and while it's easy to see that I miss you,
I don't miss the absence of my heart
and its presence in your palm.
I loved you too much and it's a problem- I know.
Because it isn't a love you can reciprocate.
So with each day apart, I feel the blood in my veins,
and I try to keep breathing for myself.
And to those grieving with a similar fate,
I know you've heard it before- it's not easy but in time
I'm trying to grow out as far as you did and then some,
for good measure.
I used to feel safe in your arms,
but I feel the cold weather- more when we're together
than when we're apart.
And all of my mittens are worn and my fingers
can only clutch my heart for warmth-
so no I can't leave it at your house anymore
it's no longer the furnace you leave in the corner
while you sit in your blizzard, stoic, unapproachable.
It's not to keep someone new alive.
But I've got this numb skin that needs protection
from the storms you survive.

because when you told me
you had to leave for school
i knew that if it was me
i would skip it, just for you.

and then you were sleepy
so i let that happen, too
i knew that if it was me
i would stay awake, just for you.

after, you had to eat lunch
yeah, again, i let you go
i knew that if it was me
i would starve, just for you.

lastly
you told me
with simple words that showed no sorrow
that it was good bye
that you got tired of us
especially you got tired of me

i almost
didn't let you leave
because
i knew that if it was me
*i would never, ever go

my stomach is in knots
and i feel so sick thinking about you
holding anyone that isn’t me
and i don’t understand why you thought it’d be a good idea
to tell me that you’re falling asleep at night
with another girl in your bed,
even if you’re not kissing her goodnight,
i tried to drown out my sobs all day with
modern vampires of the city on vinyl,
but it still feels like someone
sunk fangs in my lungs

it’s only been a week, the cuts from your nails
from holding my heart so tight
are still fresh
and i never asked you to stop,
i never told you i wanted to try
to be more than friends again,
i never tried to paint your hands red,
but all you could seem to do is defend
yourself and repeat that you’ve done nothing wrong
“you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends”

and we are just friends
i just wanted you to understand and acknowledge
that it still hurts

and you can say you’re sorry, you said sorry,
but i’m sure she’s tucked in beneath your sheets right now
and you’re still repeating in your head
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
we’re just friends
we’re just friends
we’re just friends

and i’m glad you’re comfortable,
i’m glad you know you’ve done nothing wrong,
i’m glad you have someone to hold at night,
i’m glad thoughts of me don’t rip your heart out,
i’m glad you’re okay with being just friends

i’m glad you’re fine,

but, i’m sorry,
i’m not.

When I look back at my life I am ******.
My hands clench in rage every few minutes
just thinking about it.
Furious...,
bending beneath the overwhelming, suffocating feeling.
like somehow I have been cheated!

Even worse...
If I had a chance to start over...
to undo the mistake of my past...
I am not smarter enough,
confident enough,
or lucky enough,
to do one single thing differently.

is finding out
you think of someone else
as much as i do you