I've lived all my life acting,
Acting like I was fine.
Only pretending,
Never showing what's behind.

Then I met you, something started,
But nothing changed anyway.
I didn't want to be broken-hearted,
So I let my feelings in the doorway.

At least that's what I thought

Cause when you left me,
My world just crumbled down.
I didn't know you were the key,
The only one that count.

After a while I couldn't handle more,
I had to talk, to cry, to share.
Now I know I won't do it anymore,
After all, life's just unfair.

and acting is my shield

I've been listening to music.
I've been striking up conversations.
I've been avoiding any sort of reality.
Because....
My grandpa is dying.
Fading away from the vital jokes and squishy hugs.
Lying in his bed with his brown skin turning pale as the pages of a book.
That is nearing its end..

I've been walking around aimlessly remembering the time, when I went through the same thing with my grandmother.
Visiting in the night, on the day..
that they'd pull the plug on the machines that were keeping her alive.

She was in so much pain for so long...
For months it was inevitable,  yet
that big heart of hers wasn't enough to fight another hour.
Disgusted with myself because I was praying that she wouldn't die on my birthday.
Because I'd hate the thought of living after then if she did.
Selfishly not considering the pain she was in all along.

Her lungs were failing as a tube made a temporary home in her throat so she could breathe...
Her heart was failing and her doctor  was kind.
Trying to ease her passing and made sure she was alive until all of us made it there to:

How sick is this...

For us to, "see her off"

Her skin turned yellow and empty like a living corpse...and her breathing was helped by a mask.

As the minutes went on.
And I told the current event to my friends in different time zones...they let me bare my tears across a small screen as I'd write to them with blurry eyes and a heavy heart.

I never knew that knowing when someone you loved die could damage you so thoroughly.
Friends staying awake to 6 AM.

And when she has minutes left on her clock.
That painful silence..
Was the sound of a broken heart..not like glass..but an agonized scream inside.
Unable to openly mourn for her you lean against the wall and cry until rivers grew jealous.

“Dear Lord, I know I am the angel you most regret.
Forgive me for my misunderstood intentions.
Forgive me for the drugs I take in just to be right beneath your feet.
Forgive me for the sins I commit without regretting them.
Forgive me if I’m not a strong enough soldier to defend your word when unbelievers bash on your greatness.
Forgive me.”


**stands up and wipes the dirt off his prickly knees

Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Who's The Fairest Of Them All

You My Darling
With Head Held High
You My Darling
With Eyes So Wide
You My Darling

Mirror Mirror How Can It Be
That The Fairest One Is Me

You My Darling
With The Future In Your Hands
You My Darling
From Right Where You Stand
You My Darling

Mirror Mirror It Is Me

It's all the same girl
with 20 different faces
it's an actress
a girl lost in her world
and in her mind
she skips through the days on dainty toes
with no place to go but home

Not many people understand me
And that's okay because
I don't want to be understood
I don't want to be a
Basic picture I want to be
A complex painting
I want to be unreadable,
Unpredictable
**I want to be different