Every single time. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up, not to get attached. And every time, I fail anyway. I'm a lover, a fighter, a thinker, a survivor. I don't know what it is. I don't know why being distant is so difficult. I trust no one. I refuse to love. I won't be anything but loyal. I push people away. And I do it on purpose. At least then, I'll know who to blame.
Every time I tell myself: "no, you have too much to lose" "no, he doesn't mean it" "no, you aren't still in love" "no, you aren't going to fall". I'll always prove myself wrong, which in turn, proves my doubts right.

I don't want to be a back up plan, a second choice, an option. I want to be the one and only one on your mind. I want to be a priority. I want to feel loved, know I'm loved. I want loyalty, honesty, integrity.

Yet, every time. I settle.

Wanna know the worst part about falling in love with him?
I knew from the moment I met him, that I'd be falling alone.
I knew none of it was real, or authentic, or meaningful to him.
I was just another girl to him.
Just another listening ear, kind heart, forgiving spirit.
I was just another spark of joy, that needed to be snuffed out.
It *****, because I knew. I knew it.
I knew I'd fall, and I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I knew and it still didn't stop me.
That's the worst part.
Everyday for weeks, I questioned his motives.
And everyday I got another lie, excuse, story.
I knew and I still let you push me over the edge.
I didn't care.
I wanted to believe you, believe in you, believe that people do change, are different, have a conscience.
But I was wrong to believe.
So I fell alone.

I loved you. Deeply, whole-heartedly, sickeningly, with every ounce of my being, with every breath I had, I loved you. I used to say that I was "in love with you". But I've come to realize that there's a difference between being in love, and loving someone with all that you have. To be in love suggests that someone is also in love with you. Unfortunately for me, that wasn't the case. I don't know what you honestly felt for me, if you felt anything. But I know what I felt. I felt alive when you looked at me. I felt a rush every time you embraced me. Whenever you would flash me your smile, I felt content. Your stare filled me with peace. When your eyes met mine, I felt secure. I just wanted to know what was going through your mind. What were your dreams, fears, dislikes? What did you love? I wanted so badly to be your backbone. With all I had, I wanted to be the one you relied on. I wanted to be the one you longed to see at the end of a rough day. Most of all, I wanted you to know how much you meant to me. I loved you, with everything I had. I loved you, with every second I breathed. I wanted to be a better person, for you. I wanted to be honest, kind, loving, gentle, respectful, respectable. I wanted to be the kind of women you could love. So maybe I wasn't "in love" with you, but I know that there isn't a single thing that I have - past or present - that I wouldn't have given up for you.

What went through your mind, oh Wondrous Creator
When as baby Jesus you let out your first cry
Did you know at that moment you were the Savior
Of this fallen world and all of mankind

Did you recognize your mother Mary
And see her as Your special child
Only you God at such tender a moment
Could give us your all at such tender a time

Did your first sight at creation astound you
As you looked through the blur of finite
From the beginning you'd always seen clearly
In the presence of your Fathers light

Did the warmth of God's Spirit surround you
As the December chill settled over the land
Were you holding the hand of the Father
In the transition from Son of God to Son of man

When you heard the first bleat of the lambs
Were your thoughts on being the shepherd of man
That would lead all those gone astray
Did you already know of that day

These are questions that I tend to ponder
On the greatest gift the world's ever known
I will praise you for all of the wonder
The first Christmas that your love, my Savior was born

It completely baffles me how incredibly idiotic we as humans are. We are so brilliant, yet we let all of our intelligence go when we get distracted by love. The red flags don't look so suspicious, the lies sound like honey to our ears, excuses become believable, our vision become narrow and blurred. We never suspect that every word they breath to us is false. We never would guess that we're just some pawn, in the players game. Every bone in our body makes us want to believe that we are as important as they say, as valuable as they say, as lovable as they say. But it's just words. Humans are blinded by love. And nothing rocks our world like realizing that none of it meant anything. The "I love you's", the "I wouldn't know what to do without you", the "I can't live without you", the "I'll never leave", "I would never hurt you", "you mean everything to me", and so many more meaningless lines, are just that - meaningless. Nothing wakes us up better than the tear jerking, sobbing your eyes out, sick to your stomach, dead inside, sleepless nights. Sometimes, those nights open our eyes.. And sometimes, they sew them shut with hate, bitterness, and self loathing. No, we as humans aren't the brightest bunch. We're ignorant, and never seem to learn. We choose to love again. We choose to trust again, to be vulnerable. We choose to take our armor off and hand the enemy a dagger, hopping, praying, pleading, that they don't use us for target practice. It's a mystery why we do it. Maybe we like the pain, perhaps it makes us feel alive. Maybe I'll never know.