We stood at the foot of Elephant Mountain
looking at scattered pieces of metal
illuminated by the blinding sun,
they stood out in the green grassy hill
reminding us with every glimmer how much it really hurt.

A government official tried to convince you
that that was all that was left of the people you love.
He was a liar, we both know that.

You took a seat on the ground, on a bed of rocks and dirt.
It seemed so appropriate so I joined you;
In times like these there is no where to go but down.

I begged the god I often ignore
for direction for the first time in years,  
I searched my memory for every or any wise words I've ever
heard my mother or father speak.
Nothing, absolutely nothing came to mind that would actually matter.
I guess that nothing really matters when faced with death.

so there I sat on the ground
trying my best to hold you
as you tried your best to hold yourself together

I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry.

You forgetting me, me forgetting you
such a quiet disease

it gets worse with time

soon you nor I will feel
the feeling of loss when you think about
kissing, touching or making love

If we're lucky we will live on in each other
in a form of nostalgia
Like the feeling you get when you remember
something that used to seem so simple or innocent in your childhood

but at worst we wont remember or pretend not to remember at all

We'll go on with our beautiful lives
Charming this world, one boy, one girl at a time.

God, it is so hard to believe we were once so perfect.
Life is hard and we just kind of get by
I guess it takes it's toll on us.

You thought it would be nice
if I drove home with your sister in law,
after dinner.

I stared out the window of the silver sedan,
the trees engulfed the highway
like  flames of deep forest green.
Not the kind of green that
I recognized in the trees that grew
outside my childhood home.

Being away from you,
even if only for a short moment,
made me feel like a character in the wrong book.
Panic slowly seeped its way into my veins.

I buried myself in my lap.
She asked if I was okay,
I said that I was just tired.

The book on tape playing loudly on the stereo
narrated the rest of our silent drive.

Your dad handed me a box of Frosted Flakes
as he said, "they're great!" in a comically deep voice,
accompanied by the swing of a folded arm.

I laughed in that manner in which anyone laughs at dad jokes:
half heartedly, with a lazy smile.

The crunching of sugary flakes filled the room,
much like your morose mood.
I quietly ate a bowl of cereal,
and watched your face drown in a flood of regret.

I asked why you were so quiet
as you walked me to the guest room that night.
You said you had not spoken to your father in 4 years,
and had forgotten how he used to make you laugh.

You kissed my forehead
and headed towards your childhood bedroom.

I remember that night I slept
in the guest bedroom of your
mother's old house;
your childhood bedroom just across the hallway.

I waited all night for you
to sneak back.
You sat quietly on your bed
romanticizing foggy memories.

When I allow myself to think of
the first mornings we spent together,
I think about how you kissed my shoulder
with sleep still in your eyes;

I remember watching the the city blocks
whimsically turn to fields
and back to blocks again
from the train window,
on my way home.
The train rides were never
a clear picture
as much as they were a feeling,
as thoughts of you consumed me.

I thought about your small,
hot apartment,
the grand weight of our wallets,
empty.
The exaggerated love/lust
as our bellies swished,
full with cheap *****.

Contrary to how it sounds,
this is not a love letter
as much as it is a lament for a person
that once meant everything,
and now is another stranger
on crowded city sidewalk.

I no longer yearn to find you
in some corner of the world,
with arms that have again learned  
how to hold me,
no, this is not a love letter.

I just want to think of you sometimes
and hold on to the parts of you
that already felt like they were mine.

Once again,
I try to remember your scent;
there is no use,
it’s already gone.

i.
you love ghost
like a train you just missed.

with a heart full of regret
and a small bit of hope.

as if you were to change one small thing,
they might return.

ii.
you have been gone for 6 years now,

and i am no longer sure
if you are everywhere,

or if i look for you in everything.