I don't want to be here.
I feel alone, rejected, and betrayed.
But where do I want to be?
That, I do not know.
"You look so happy in all your pictures!"
A picture tells 1000 words, including those of my misery.
"You sound so happy on the phone."
It's because you won't let me not be happy.
I can't be honest with you because you just get mad at me.
I want to be somewhere where I feel home.
Where friends aren't fake, and the drama isn't high school-esque.
"Just muttle through."
I don't know how much longer I can take until I break again.
So, no, I do not want to be here.

They say our dreams come from our subconscious mind, it is our thoughts deep from within ourselves searching for a way to come out.
Last night I dreamt about you.
I dreamt we were still together, cuddling in your room, holding hands. I dreamt we still loved each other. I dreamt you were still mine. I dreamt that we were both so happy, so impossibly happy. I remember laughing with you, smiling with you.
I remember the feeling of you holding me, kissing me, and **** it just felt so real. For a moment I believed it was real.

And then I opened my eyes and Reality smacked me in the face, and it hurt harder than it should.
"Silly little girl," Reality said. "Memories are memories, and dreams are dreams. Dreams are not reality, no matter how badly we want them to be. Don't be stupid."

I miss looking into your eyes and thinking about what you are thinking. I miss how the colour made me feel loved and protected. I miss the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled my favourite smile.

I miss the way my heart beat faster every time I heard the sound of your bike because I knew you were always near me in about 3...2...1 seconds. I miss the way my security called me and told me you were here and I would usually have a panic attack because I was so unbelievably excited to see you.

I miss the way you used to hold me, around my waist, hold my hand, and hug me. I miss the way I used to smile against your chest when you hugged me.

I just miss the good times we had together. The times where I thought to myself, "**** could this day get any better?" I used to whisper that before I went to bed with a smile on my face that only you could cause.

I just miss you. I miss loving you. I miss all of you.
It's sad that it's over. It's sad that it's just memories.
Thank you for them. I'll treasure them in my heart forever.

Do I miss you?
Of course I do. I don't doubt for a moment that what we had was real, and I don't doubt for a moment that I was falling in love with you.

Do I want you back?
Of course not. Our souls shared a timely encounter but now it is time for both of us to move on. Even if we parted on bad terms, I have accepted that. It's human nature to remember the bad and not the good. But I still remember the good about you, no matter how much hurt, betrayal, pain and sadness you have caused me.

Do I still care about you?
Without a doubt. It's a funny thing about me - I'll ignore you, and it may even seem like I hate you. But I still don't want anyone else to hurt you and I still truly want you to be happy. No human deserves unhappiness, and especially not you.

The future is bright. I can start to see the sun through the clouds.
I don't want my past to make me bitter. I want it to make me better.
I want to learn from my mistakes and make sure I never repeat them twice.
I know I can be happy without you. And I have never felt at peace like this before because I know God is with me.