words have never been enough
to convey what's on my mind
i'll never tell you
what you should pay attention to is the pauses
between my fleeting
i'm okays and thank you for askings
if you listened closely
you may have heard
my cries
there is much said in the unspoken
if you looked closely you'd see the red ring around the area just below my elbow
i'd fallen asleep at my desk again
thinking
sobbing- that's something you'd have noticed if you saw the puffiness of my eyes
then you'd know i cried this morning too
you'd know that my smile
was a mere facade
and if you'd understood that
and if you listened close to my heart's thump
then you would have noticed the hum of suicidal thoughts running through my veins
coursing through my very being
feeding into every cell
ringing in my ears
like a mantra
like a death march

i will not stop
not even when everything inside of me
is burning
struggling
fighting
begging to stop
begging to take a break
i will keep pushing on
i will do it
i won't stop
not even if the last shred of my restraint
is gasping for air
saying
please stop i can't hold back anymore
i will appear vulnerable to the world
because vulnerability is not weak
and i'm anything but weak
i will rise again
*resurgam

This is for the forgotten ones
For the in-betweeners
For the never-good-enoughs
This is for my strong people
Who struggle daily to find their footing in a world that seems to take pleasure in seeing them trip
For the second choices
For the I'll-date-her-if-I-have-no-other-options
For those who always feel alone
For my fighters
I understand you and I am so proud of you
It is not easy to live the way you do and yet you are breathing
This is for my forgotten people who simply exist while no one cares
I'm with you and
I care

You say nothing as you watch me crumbling
Whispering a defiant 'i'm ok'
Tears streaming down my face
I'm not looking at you
You notice this
You say 'you're not'
I agree silently
I cannot find it within me to talk more
I am exhausted
I do not know how to explain how much i think about dying
I do not know how to seek help
But you know i am crumbling
You see
And you stare
Numbly blankly
Back at me
Hands in your pocket you do nothing
And i plead with you silently to help me
You notice this and you still stare
Numbly blankly
And then i collapse and i disappear
And you say 'what a shame. If only i had known'
And you walk away

they creep in slowly
when i least expect it
in school during math
at home when I'm watching a video
in the bus as i stare out of the window
crawl in on all fours
they know what they want
they take it
they leave me empty
the won't leave me alone
not even when i am broken
and crying
and i have nothing left to give
they still find something to take
my mind is an endless hum of suicidal thoughts
whispers
and so i talk louder and
laugh harder and
try to drown them out and
it never works because they are still there
friends look at me with concern
it's just the stress i tell them, exams and deadlines
they buy it
excellent
so everyday i am free
to go home to
suicidal thoughts and chill

time capsules have always struck me as
poignant reminders of time passing
how we tread the earth daily,
as many have done years before us.
the same earth,
the same life-giving soil with new plants every season
history buried beneath our feet
Isn't it amazing to think how a hundred years ago today,
someone of a different time, culture, race, religion
could be feeling exactly as you do now
you have similar hopes and dreams
just wants to achieve their goals;
fire burning in their heart
treading on the soil that you now tread
they don't exist.
but they once lived.
as you do now.
isn't that beautiful?