in the darkest sky a silver glow
thoughts of time in memories to flow
day after day I watch it grow
till he fades in the times flow
yet in momentary darkness i await his glow
never to fail the silver light in times flow

I went to church
I asked for forgiveness from a god I don't even know if I believe in
I fell in love, and
I ****** it up
I broke my own heart again
I put my faith in the hands of a damaged lover and
I paid the price
I got my hopes up
I waited by the door for my father for two years
I remember him as the first man to hurt me
I dusted myself off and tried again
I prayed for guidance from above even if
I didn't know if it was a god or an overhead light that heard me
I wanted salvation
I looked for it in a bottle but came up empty
I hated my body
I begged it to be different, for him
I failed my own goals
I lied to my mother so much I lost track
I wished I was different but did nothing to change it
I ran away
I came back
I picked up where I left off
I hoped for the best
I began to try

and here i am in bed
staring up at the ceiling
and it's 1 a.m. again
but it's funny because i don't remember
even lying down to begin
with
              l.r.

Here's the thing,  and I get it, right?  
The stigma behind allowing my child to meet those
Whom I'm seeing.
But truthfully,
I've never fully understood why
There is an insistence on judgment
With how I choose to raise
My own seedling

And furthermore why invest
Time into something that
Doesn't vibe, with your mom-life
Why hide?
I want her to see, what love is
What it means to give
What it means to hurt

And mayhaps
It's not fair to expose
Her to the truths of the human experience
I haven't shown her anything
I wouldn't have wanted myself
To see from her eyes
I shelter the parts that are dear
Children should be just that
While they are, after everything is said
And I've witnessed enough for both of us
In my own time

But to show her that brand of happiness
That comes from something maybe
Her father never might be able
To access.

That takes true courage.

seven months ago:

i. i will fall asleep and let it infect me like a virus and if i die before i wake up my obituary will explain to you how i felt tonight so i never have to

ii. it’s cosmic, i’m telling you. you’d miss me if i wasn’t here.

iii. it’s all quiet. i am here but no one can see me. they can feel me. it’s easy and unpleasant. i just exist, past their realms and in their blind spots.

iv. i want to go back in time and pick you instead

six months ago:

i. i have a lot of pent up resentment towards people i used to love that are successfully existing without me in their lives while i am struggling without them

ii. cant stand you. cant stand being away from you. thank you for calling me beautiful, even if you didnt mean it. i don't feel that anymore, but i did. even for a moment, it was there. we were there.

iii. of all the things you did to me, the worst was making me believe they were in my best interest.

iv. if i could sit in a puddle of nostalgia and let every memory with you hit me like a rain shower id probably contract pneumonia or something.

five months ago:

i. it’s comforting for me to know that you can miss someone and love them without wanting them in your life.

ii. ive spent too much time treating myself as if my love is not sacred, as if it can’t stop time and heal people and create magic. everyone i love is lucky to have me, whether they know it or not.

iii. i’ve always had vivid dreams but last night made me feel something very weird and unexpected.

iv. it’s exhausting falling in love with and getting your heart broken by every soul you meet but i am strong

four months ago:

i. i surround myself with nice and beautiful people and in turn feel disgusting and destructive and ******.

ii. i know people can see me but i feel entirely translucent and invisible

iii. i can’t wait to be 18 so i can check myself into a psych ward

iv. i have stood where you stand and felt what you feel and it’s tortuous and inhumane but you exist outside of the boundaries it sets for you

three months ago:

i. i feel like my life is balanced between the moment where you realize you are falling and you are going to hit the ground and the second after you feel it beneath you

ii. i am not a savior, i am not an angel. my words will not heal you. don’t put the pressure of your will to live on my shoulders, i am tired and i have a lot to balance.

iii. today i am a raincloud and not even just a raincloud i am a cloud that is full and dark and waiting and it won’t rain it will pour it will storm there will be sirens and lightning bolts and thunder and people will cower in safety and i will stay here and be destructive

iv. i woke up safe yesterday, today none of it is real and i hurt when people touch me

two months ago:

i. i think i am in love and it’s inconvenient it’s pestering, i am trying i am trying i am trying.

ii. i want to feel love but i feel so unattainable like i am so out of touch with my genuine emotions that i wouldn’t even know how to feel it (if i even could?)

iii. you have no ties to the people you have been. every day you grow- every day you leave your mistakes behind you and shed all of your previous versions. keep going.

iv. nothing has changed. dont mistake my compliance for forgiveness.


one month ago:

i. i wish the things i care about in my life were concrete instead of the distorted abstract i deal with everyday like a chore

ii. i think about what being dead would feel like a lot and every time i am done i feel like i have to apologize to my mother.

iii. you are not an antidote, i do not need you to survive, you are not sunlight, i do not need you to grow

iv. i am afraid i will never get better.

v. i have always had a hard time with holding grudges but today i climbed onto the other side of the railroad bridge and sat above the water, in line with the trees, and i felt so high and real i whispered into my own palms “i forgive you.”

Sometimes when I’m sitting at my desk,
I’ll look over at you,
And our eyes will meet, if only for a second.
And in that brief moment
I’m sitting by a brook,
In a vast forest on a spring day,
Where the sunlight filters down through the green canopy,
The light trickling of the water cools my ears,
The sun pours its rays through the trees,
Drips onto the forest floor like sap on a warm day,
And nothing else matters but the light breeze that rolls across my skin.
I get lost in that little world in your iris,
And just for a minute I forget about myself
As the shoreline waves from that sea of green
Allow my feet to sink into the sand,
as I wade into those cerulean waters,
And nothing else matters but the water that sweeps around my feet.
I’d like to stay there for a while.
Build a little wooden house with drafty windows and a little fireplace,
I’d like to wake up every day
With the sea on my left, the forest on my right, and the solid earth beneath the soles of my feet.
But sometimes I think you don’t even know about
This perfect world you keep hidden behind two rings of emerald,
The low call of the ocean seems so distant to your ears,
You never glance up to see the layered branches of green above you.
I’d like to climb to the top of one of those tall trees,
And show you the serene landscape that you can’t see.
And sometimes I look into your eyes,
And all I see is the glossy reflection of myself,
As if you’ve closed the doors into that perfect place
And then that brief moment is over,
You look away.
And I wonder if you can see what I see,
But I know you don’t.
I know that you only see me staring
And feel the awkward tension as we both look away.
But for that brief moment,
I lost myself in your eyes,
And you’ll never know.