how many times did we come here
with the intention
of never leaving the car.
and now i'm here
staring out at the abondoned building
we called our home.
and i wish you were here
just to hold my hand.

i'm fine when i can feel someone next to me
when my words lazily roll off my tongue and into heavy air
when someone's subtle and quiet gestures suggest
that i am somebody they like to be around
i'm fine when the world feels warm
from the love that swarms in and all around it

it's the spaces between that get me
the 53 seconds of time it took between
my thumb pressing the "send" button and the reply
hearing the laughter coming from the other room,
but not the joke preceding it
eating cheap dinner alone in my bedroom
while watching my favorite 90's sitcom

these gaps, these pauses, they are the ugliest parts of me
there is not a second of these moments that go by
that i am not wishing for a reassurance, a validation
a reminder that i am heard and noticed and loved
and that i have a purpose here, and reasons to stay

i need to be reminded that i have reasons to stay

We danced toward
each other's wounds

with gentle step
and touched inside

and now the bleeding
has resumed

and all this blood
is hard to hide.

i used to think you just wanted to warm your hands
but i realized you really do want to watch the world burn instead
what an awful way to have wasted all the love i had

i don’t know how to write you anymore
maybe you’ve fallen out of favor
maybe you’ve fallen off trees
all i really know is that i can’t see
whatever you had the strength to believe
double homicide on the streets
blood, kiss, silent, dreams,
i only recall a number of things
that had me by the throat
but never made me choke
i know you’re in there somewhere
pushing me out of your home
and i remember nowhere
and wanting to be alone
cross the train tracks
let’s pretend we’re never going back
let’s get wasted
let’s let them waste us
smear black under your eyes
blow away my mind
i don’t need no medicine
i haven’t got the time
i wanna breathe you, please you, tease you, take you
curse myself cuz i know i’ll never be with you
i know i’ll never hate you
no, it’s never enough
and they show them put his wrists in handcuffs
like he’s a symbol, with charges so unfair
Smooth Criminal, she quivers at his stare
bow and arrow, female hero
don’t make me go where you wanna go
wash the blood out, wear my mind out
write me sonnets, Shakespeare’s on it,
i’ll drift through the universe
i cannot hold this life on my surface
this is a curse
don’t worry baby i’ll buy you some time
i’ll give you some of mine
i know it’s gonna hurt, i know it’s gonna bite
but i’m never gonna let them put a sword in my side
i’m never gonna let them control my mind

i want nothing to do with you
the way your bones once held mine
i wish they would all fall apart
collapse at the sight of me
independent
melt into mine like they once did
wake up and realize the sensations were real for once
it wasn't a dream you woke up from
but that you and i never fell asleep at all
awake
lost
deep in thought
too stubborn to realize whats in front of us
dropping on hands and knees
screaming why
my hand is held out to you
but this is long overdue
i don't know what else to do
just grab on already its been long enough
swallow your pride
and for once
we can finally say that we're where we want to be
just like always
you'll turn and take it as a joke
and leave me tangled undone

i have no idea what to do.
i am so lost.
last time i was in this situation,
i pulled away and realized how little she cared.
i do not want to realize the same about you.
but i can't make it work for both of us.
-
i told him.
i know that i said i wouldn't.
i had to get his advice.
he said to break it off and pull away.
he said you'd snap back.
but i can't believe him for a second.
-
im sorry.
i am torn between hoping you see this
and hoping you never do.
this has to be done and i hate this so much.
im sorry.
but i know i will be sorry.
-
when she started giving me resistance,
when i was clearly more in it that she was,
i pulled away.
i tried getting close to her again and she was stuck.
i had changed so much.
but the part of me that loved her stayed the same.
-
this isn't you and her fighting each other.
it's you and me.