Like an amoeba out of her element
I was
But I had never felt so content

And I fell in love, yeah it is true
But what else could I do?
And I fell in love, fell for you
But what was I going to do?

The dark alleys
where love grows
A lonely Barceló (street)
The dark places, damp
where sensuality springs
I sprung for you,
Then lost my mind…

It burnt me, it burnt me, it burnt me.
First it was heavenly fire
then it turned to non-breathing hell
What is it?

It might have destructed me
But it shocked me, shook me good
Like a just discovered teenage lesbian

And I fell in love, yeah it is true
But what else could I do?
And I fell in love, fell for you
But what was I going to do?

You were a wolf to me
Played with me then made me your prey
But I dance with wolves…

This is where dreams get cut at the root
but never die, the seed is alive
This is where it all began
But you can't grow up
You're just a Bonsai girl, stuck

This is where it all died
much before it could start
I can't recognize a single store
but I do remember the places where I broke

I remember the rhythm between life and death
That royal panic attack, me and that girl,
in the room, out of our breath.
Storms about to come, promises going on
I remember being sweet 16 so in love with him
Teachers hating me but wanting me to **** them
(I bet they did, I was the hottest,
and what to say about that cleavage I rocked
at the prom, yet so terrified of warmth)
I remember to kick the closet with a ****** Mary looking at us
Those years where it all shook up

These years where we watched MTV
And yearned to be slutty freedom drunk chicks.
These years of pink pills and being too thin.
These years where we were not free at all -
but we struggled ******* hard
Kissing dudes and breaking rules -
These years that I erased with all my strength
when I erased myself

I've been here before
I've already sang this song
However, I float
still
it drowns

In the absence of love
in the amidst of chaos
in the throes of the heart,
I turn to Amy.
I drown.

He came to my brain
and I felt a kiss that contained pain. Strain.
I've sweat this before.
Am I a truth seeker
or a ******* one?

I could feel the fear
my million thoughts telling me
twisting me
confusing me

Some spark took the wrong track.
I can't trace well what happened then.
Disorder, disorder, disorder everywhere.
Sped up feelings, thoughts uncontrolled...
but not like the quivering fountain of love
more like a car crash.
I can't help but look at
(I am naturally attracted to the dark)

Terror, terror, misled.
He's no sugar - he is sweet sucrose
I can't think about none of them.
I'm in a catch, because of men.
I can feel reality dissolving itself,
not a good thing
Everything loses sense.
How many signals you need for this?
The sky opened, but hell yesterday did.

Beware of epiphanies
Beware of certain tears
Most of all, beware of yourself
beware your fears
"beware your subconscious
playing you tricks"

Fight fire with fire,
magic with magic

Several orbits in my life
We all are different but under the same sign
We are trying to find a path
We are moving - avoiding disaster
but avoiding lack of action...
We all are changing - we are fighting
blossoming, blooming, getting to be something
We are rushing towards life
The suicidal approach, but the only way out...
or is it the other way around?

We are shaking, shaky our grounds
There has not been a better moment in our lives
Everything's moving! On fire!
Settling by vibrations
This time I'm not wrong - I'm merely moving on...
away from your spot, on my own.
but you are securing yourself
with tacks and nails...

Because
he, he's got a girl
And I've been with men
one of them broke my heart but that's okay
I'm dumping my past
I'm writing poems in my study hours

She, she was crippled yesterday
But now the light caresses her face
The medicated folks, the disabled ones
We are marching, in our own, too.

And he, he's moving somewhere
and he's not certain about that place
but it won't stop us from going there
whatever, wherever
that road leads...

And she's hidden in her cocoon
because she cannot kick out her blues
but she's part too of the struggle,
the movement!!

Everything's moving!

And I can't write
another stupid rhyme
I am seeing things, connected in between
I am seeing patterns, blurry schemes
I see flowers, devoured by weeds
I see my metal legs, I see my whole life
truncated since 13
I see all my failures, too many to count
So many days in the dark
thinking it was me
I see everything
I see myself, trying to win
With a new ace on my sleeve!
Throwing light over years and years
Wonderful, harrowing feeling
tonight - but you are by my side

The circle is closing on me
The cycle is complete
Things are going to change
I am afraid, but I am more afraid to stay
here

I was living a dream
I was merely trying to live
My sweet experiment
that others have with such ease

(In the spell of loneliness
every touch is magnified
in the spell of loneliness)

I was shooting my arrow, aiming at the points
The puzzle started to make sense, it was thrilling at best
I was arriving to the core of the question
I was digging Deep
painful but I'm in Deep need

Now all I need is
someone to lick my wounds
Don't know where I go now
I'm lost.

To be rootless
to be boundless
to be free
to have no rules or regulations
no affiliations, no thing

And seek everything in any way you can
To spin the roots of your own
every time

I became rootless once
I severed the roots with a knife
It hurt, it hurt,
it wasn't real, though
(Because I wasn't rootless. I simply had been
amputated, and things still were,
so I could miss,
and I was head deep in ****)

When did people ever
do a thing for you?
They just speak and *****
and make you feel sick
They don't really deserve to be killed
or slit
just go rootless
let them exist

Am I talking about chains
am I talking about roots
hard to tell
between them two

There is a wall between me and them
but I don't give a ****
There is no communication anymore
between the straight world and I

Some roots they do squeeze your lungs
Some roots so strong you cannot move
I severed them; they severed themselves
I am rootless; but I am fed everyday

and
I've never been so happy.
I've never been so fruitful.
Rootless plant can fly
Removing the superfluous branch
to go deeper underground

You thought that I would do that!
Accept a life that's not a life
Live a life without a flower crown
I was born to have one
I was born to explode, to become

I have superpowers!
(Sometimes I do think)
I don't know where they come from
My life is a patchwork by fate and myself done
And I must admit - right
I need to control them sometimes
It is so intertwined in me
sometimes I just can't see
But you won't tame me ever
I am just getting better

I have been ****** up.
Still, I am. I might not get -totally- out
But it won't get so far.
I have been the lowest. Asleep for too long.
But taking back my steps - making the time count

You thought that I would bow down?
That I'd be an ugly event in my own life?
No one is shooting **** into my veins
No one is putting me in restraints
Took so long, to find my place!
No Xeplion to make me a good girl
or lower my self
No one is making me less
I am growing stronger every day!

And none of you are right
and neither am I
the answer is always more complex
than a diagram can process

You might say I am winning
but I never understood that
I am a proud loser, never fit in
Not even now, now is the least
Adjust my eyes
correct my visions
acknowledge the stars
do not erase them - just allow me to
be able to walk
and enjoy
that myriad of stars

There is an angel whispering softly in my head
we speak our own language, no one understands
And they tell me to stop harming myself
with love as a pretext
I read the signals I'm sent and I feel at ease with them
Am I losing my mind? Am I regaining it?

I can't help wondering about the rhythms of life
About how revelations always stand out
Because I've never been here - or have I?

What are we going to do with our bodies? That forcE and that drain
I am fighting night and day, to understand the riddle of it
Your love is a riddle to me

I'm being driven by a forcE, my beloved INTP, my love!
Because it hurts but I'm prompted from above
something we gotta do
Angels talk to me,
Michael Glatze, I can feel you
Enlightened, confused, clean, wise, unsure

Moody girl,
worries too much
machete in hand
through the mental mush!
a tangle of fears and doubts

"it's not out of nowhere;
it's all out of my own head"

But you love me either way
so I have nothing left to say
I am as lucky as I am moody

Her brain throws darts,
that get stuck in her heart.
She cries, she cries, she cries,
and next minute, she smiles

Moody girl
I know I am crazy but
that was a liberating fact

But you love me either way
so there's nothing left to say
If we love each other, nothing else matters
Take your moody girl home - shake her sulk off
Give her some love - she gives you her whole

Just friends
no lovers, no one else
An empty bed, a heart full
of the only thing, maybe...

Who's there when things go wrong
who else can you count on
My unstability, my shaky shaky feet
I cannot show you (they say)
you might run away from me...

Friends before anything else
No exes, no lovers, no thing-in-between
Because in the end
Your friends will call out your name
Like a balm, friends will be there
to soothe your heart

He said, "you are no Tinder chick"
He said I will wait for you
He said I love you
He said "I had never felt this before"
He said, you wonderful disaster
He said, you're awesome
He said, I want to make you happy
He filled my head with beautiful birds
that died suddenly, slowly, unexplainably

His thick glasses sail away from me...

You thought that I'd be
Your angelic lover, wait for you forever
Your sexless romance
The girl you took at 16 - a girl lonely
A girl to fulfill you, a desire never fully articulated
but strong enough
to keep me sedated
and yet I was not sedated
for you brought me to life
but now things are sour
different paths in life

You could never handle
me getting rid of it
me being more than a shadow of your dreams
Farewell! Farewell maybe!
A sexless romance we handled over years
You thought I'd stay buried on chains and pills

Yet you were the first
to make me shake, make me weak
Yet you are the blueprint
A distant blueprint in time, one I had but never touched
Now I'm free, you don't wanna be with me
Now I'm walking, you'd rather I sit
Do you? Is this true?

You thought I'd remain there
that I'd stay forever
locked in your cage
sweetly caged waiting for you to speak sweetly my name
like a promise of life you never touch
but i'm busy keeping up with my own

You made me smaller
To you - all devoted
nothing inside me - but you, you, you
I became so distant from my truth

You reduced me to a cartoon - no longer a girl
or a woman for that case
You reduced our love to a quick bed -
and I accepted it so well
Losing, dying and I couldn't help
Crying, rotting away!
I could see it sometimes, but didn't dare to face
Now I've got clear vision - I see for miles
Everywhere

And I don't want to go back to that place
to that state
I feel strong. A real life size girl.
Smaller. Love made me a Bonsai girl

On you I was fed
but it was poison running my veins
in the very last days
It never was enough
I just want to grow!

You were not aware - I buy that
but now I am - I gotta take care
I might have lessened myself -
but to step back it's okay

I am like bleach
Men speak my name
they fall for me
I happily follow
it's hard to say no
and they don't know
they are going to get burnt

I am like bleach
slowly making a place for me
The hunger turns to bleach
I am not sorry for being myself,
but all those stains...
How can i stop this from happening
I am bleach, but I can be non-harming
The bleach reaches your soul
Oh God! Holy wAter cannot help you now

But being I bleach myself, I also get the stains
the pain

We could learn to be friends, I guess
But we'll have to learn to live first
without kissing each other's lips
This spell over me
binding me to men I know in strange ways
but never allowing me
to touch too much
close enough
to feel their breaths
but far enough
so I remain untouched
unhurt
unfelt
unenhanced
like about to arrive to the coast
but still lost in a furious sea

This is my binding spell
I'm bound to it till...
when?

Sometimes I think, I tend to think it's not worth it
All the dresses, all the pain, all the tears, all the strife, all the illusions,
delusions that will die.
The worst part of it is it's alive and dead at the same time.
You forgot you cannot make it in the city of lights?

Girl alone, bored.
My father-lover is in the line
and he's all I need to smile
But...
there's a hunger in me
I got watching Torbjorn's pHotos and things
falling for teachers that barely know my name
A desire to rub, to feel
To venture that Deep. A desire to taste,
a desire to be.
Don't know what will be.
The body feels lonely, but so does the soul.
The room is turning empty; like the heart.
There's an excess of imagination in her bones.
She kisses their lips in her deepest swoon
And to come, there lie a few unknown moans

It was a suicidal act, a path to life.
What am I doing? I lost my mind.
but it's alright
I don't need it that much.

Got ignited in a Christmas night
Oh, oh, oh.
It's way too much.
Idle hands are angelic work.
This I know.

Black magic - you come at my side
White magic - you live your LIFE
and I live mine
Black magic, never wins
White magic, pushes my lips
into a smile...and a peace inside

Black magic - paralyzing thoughts
White magic - LOVE

What kind of man
are you to break
the vows of a girl
But the girl didn't make the vow to herself
so she's committed to no one else

Slowly getting close to me
on a sofa
you broke my resistance
you besieged me
That was your weapon
The closeness of your body on mine
Those shy hands out there when people watch

And I was only cheating myself
that I loved the man
But I couldn't bear the charm
of his arms
around me
So it happened
You are the vow breaker
Now I cannot answer your messages
because you can't hear me
Now I wish I could tell you
Don't know how to react to this
I had never done this ugly thing
Sinning deep on a Saturday night

What kind of man are you
to break my oaths, act like they were not?
The air was thick with desire
growing from all parts
And that desire was thicker than his love...
his love that never was

He was a brave sailor, venturing into the unknown, with strength and love for the sea he had found. But the waves got too wild, too roaring, and he could not keep sailing. The sea was revolted and kicked him out, despite himself.

I have seen so much
In your arms
But I was too broken
for you to fix me inside

Back to black, the thick spacey air
Around?

You melted the icecaps
You got ventured into a strange ocean
Now the ocean cries for you
Now, sailor, you rush back home
Never trust your brain
It only twists you again and again

My sailor you were
A hint of water in a drought
sailing alone through my heart
Bringing me happiness
I could not handle well
But I am gormless, too froze....
Too stale

What is reality? The tales we tell ourselves
All the times in your bed- so real, so fake
All the love we shared
Too healthy for me to take

It happened.
We loved each other.
We tore together the walls.
How long till the next thaw?

**** my parents, **** myself
**** everything that stood in OUR WAY

The last time things went this way
My brain was set to flames
I screamed, but nobody heard
Not even me, the wails went underneath

I can spot the patterns, and I stay quiet, in awe
Everything looked perfect: it was rotten though

But things do not repeat themselves like a broken record does
The clique, the clique and drinks
And strange thoughts and changes at home
My sick visionary mind catches all
Disturbing presence, uncanny feeling
in the guts
All of it true, but...

Things are not the same now
But there is an imperceptible sound
A reaction in the blood
A world to lose

The same death
The same purgatory
The same hell
All concentrated in but one second

The last time I underwent this
I nearly died
It's up to me to decide
or not
but I'll try

Feeling wet - again
It was you! Not him
Trying to seek you in him - many men
To cover, smother your lips with new water
One man right after the other
Life happens
Ran away from you
Ran away only from me

Something feels wrong - with you
Something feels worse - without you
I know I want you when you are away
Only then I know you must stay
My clarity from your deep waters
Shines bright

He gave me love, and I gave it back to him
But he's no you, he'll never be

I dance a steady, dizzy, confusing dance
between one and the other man
One I love to death, too much for me to take
My brain naturally expels all kinds of happiness
The other is more alive, so he's dead
He's not filled
like you

Everything leaves a mark upon my skin
Every arousal, every kiss
Every piece of love or not in me

my head spins
too much music, too many feelings
too many stories, too many thoughts
too much of everything
in my tiny room...my cell
my head spins
I'll put it to rest
so it never needs to rest again

It doesn't exist so far
but in my mind I have pictured it all
If we want to, we can
(I guess)

Won't you come to Copenhagen with me, baby?

We've already been there, in Wonderland
Won't we come back, and call the whiteness back?
I think of you and I alone
I think of a world just for us
And I shiver in my chair
I know I want to be there
I know I belong there, in your arms.
In your body, in your realm.
In your bed.

I want to be close to you
I need to be whole by sharing my core
but not with anyone
just you, my love...

A communion of us
awaits
Pure love
Won't you come with me to Copenhagen baby?

(Be not scared of my ways
I simply write about anything)

You left me "seen"
I just don't want to force things
But there's something amiss
Your kiss
And I wait incessantly for it
The honeypot came close to my lips
and finally I have nothing
"I could get used to this"
I was expecting, I know your love
but ah! I needed to be told!
Where is love? When you need it
When you are waiting
with your palms open wide
and nothing falls this time
from the sky
I know - it's with us
So answer, answer, answer now
Let me, let me know
I love you, love you so
I was waiting for your love, but ah, you left me seen.

(And I know this is nothing
I know it with my heart
but this is a worldwide feeling
in times like ours. It's not so painful,
not such a big thing,
just a little pimple,
an itch!)

A world boiling isnide
Killer, savior - her mind

Oh her! Oh me!
So full of magic, so close to tears
Oh me! Oh me!
I look back, always ending up here
So broken, so burst at the seams
So tattered, so battered, so sick

I was going psychotic - no one knew
Not even me, less of all you
You lost your ability, your passion, your pain...once
You won't do it twice.
I lost myself years ago - can't go back
Save me - first of all, save your own ***

I was the psychotic child
sitting in the room crying alone
I was the psychotic child
No friends, drowning, being
just nothing
wandering in a maze of her own
so terrible, so hideous, so much...
but I will never give up
My body is full of mayhem, full of stars.
Will it unravel? Will the lights go out?
This is when the prayer comes
God, do not let me die
God, you can hit me, but please...
be good to me
Spare me the mask
Spare me the pain
Spare me the maze
I've been here already for years.

"Make something beautiful of the ugly", I said
I heard these words in my head

Tiny - like a big girl washed out and shrunk in the washing machine of life - her mind
Tiny - but not godly
Tiny - but not beautiful
not like a Little Kiss
but rather like a shadow of what has been
Tiny - grey and still again
Tiny - reduced
Tiny - stuck up in a dead me

Without you I crumble
Without you I'm not me
Without you I feel weak and I dissappear

Tiny - ugly schemes
a bird without wings, emotional limbs
to touch, to measure, to feel
again trapped in my own things
Tiny - powerless, meaningless
Tiny - a girl feeling at square one

A dead, but ever alive, WhatsApp group.
With the dust of time piling over.
With time wrinkling it, but it never gets old.
After my storm we met again.
But I'd not be who I am without the storm.

What can I say?
We've changed to who we are.
Like tres, we grew up.
The unnatural and the natural, joined up
were and are

Our lives have expanded and burgeoned.
Boyfriends, girlfriends, and what not.
Jobs, studies, life's knots. They taste so sweet
if you know you are moving on
We've became what we were made for.
(really so? I'm still somewhat lost
but I know I'm found in this lostness now)

I will always keep you in my heart
as those who couldn't save me
but tried hard
away but together forever in a sense!
Lives knitted by chance!
But everything is chance in our lives

Life is about the risky and the dangerous!
Life is about the deep ****
Life is about the complicated, tough things

the uncomfortable topics and motions
that give us life
fighting, not knowing where you'll end up

don't be afraid
don't be afraid
don't be afraid

life is about struggling
to touch the sun

beware of the silence
beware of the noise
distorting the sound

beware of your inaction
beware of the movement
paralyzing life

Beware of the past
knocking at the door
Beware of not being able
to handle it all
just give up, a little, give up
Beware of things
threatening you
with a smile on their face
Beware of yourself
the twisted, straight lines leading to hell
Topsy turvy ways
Beware of the games
(sometimes) of your head

"Girl you got this"
Your desire you might get
If you work hard, put yourself out there
A capitalist poem? I must be out of myself!

Dreary poem, this is.
Like true life - **** this ****.
I am Philip Larkin today
Or at least I try to be.
Misplaced in space, a nice wound in my head.

Girl
With her head buried in papers
Struggling hard, prey to Amway beasts
And lowpaid jobs and pocket misery
Let's **** this ****. Get rich.
A **** me hard, all I really need.

Girl
With no money and too many needs
You've got freedom but you lack the wheels
To drive you away from here

And this fight for a penny
Makes sense because we are. Sad system this one!
Our promised land...even if we break up.
I'll rename it, claim land back.

Girl
Lost in a tough world
Stay your ground.
She knows
The meaning and the key
Is simply love
And for what love can't afford
(None of them really blissful things)
Hard work, and luck
(None of them glee)

Bradley: you must know
I am not in love with you at all
but you are a slice from God
Your mouth, your keyboard pours God
Still you are unaware

Your words - a sage from East London you are
You are a vector from God - you beam me up
Oh sage! Oh wise one!

Where this leads  - I don't know
I know it's bound to end - going to end
Someday, we could not last
You'll get tired of my wounds and stuff
The road leads somewhere we don't know
We'll venture and go - like we were fearless
or gormless...

In Nacho's pool
Everything dissolves everything floats
My heart it rests but never at all
Brings me memories from old times
and builds new bridges between us

I feel at the verge of 16! I am afraid
the verge of terror the verge of sin
the most scary **** blacking out whole
But I am not 16 anymore now I'm no toy
I have a heart and a precarious health
and thirst for joy

My lovers how are you all doing today?
You are going to **** me and I am going to **** you too
Sending hot pictures to see what you can do
Reactive feelings sexting in the pool
My blue eyed boy wish I could love you
in fact I do and I cry for you ghostly tears
I hurt although I can't feel
I can feel you pulling away from me
and it's no surprise it was always this thing
But he casts spells on my direction
and I have no protection
I don't want one either, I confess
The times I give in are the best

But what if I am left alone
this is my fear
Without a man I feel I can't go on
Because he's the one
but he has the power to harm
to break me in pieces in case that he wants

And I see all of this in Nacho's pool
My fear, my pain, my hope
My past, my future, my wretched love

You've got me lovescared
Can't take the nightmare
off me
Where once I was so deeply attracted
Now it's anxiety a bit

You've got me lovescared
I am like bleach
Two hurt souls to mend each other
no good
but
My bleach smells good, like the promise of eternity
and brings all the men to my yard!
My worshippers...
the depth of your feelings for me
the cuteness of what you plant in me
Go my way, so I don't realize
what we are making
they call it love
and loving you
I can go on

Using people like plasters to drain the blood, the blood pouring from inside
To cover up internal holes...

examine the wound
what do you see
where does the blood come from
what made it bleed
do it over and over again

Was it real? Was it fake?
The blood comes out
But there's doubt
sometimes

sweet plasters in the night
to take away the pain
some truth in all of this,
our plasters can become LIFE

We are all plasters
sweet plasters

you hate us when we don't abide
you hate us when we do what you don't like
when reality is - you don't have our eyes
and despite your efforts, they shine

They wanted to **** us because
like a mirror to their hidden wrongs,
we showed them their own scars and burns

you robbed us from us
and you punished us with death
cloaked as care
and those who did, weren't there
They didn't get the gist, I guess
if only love here had crept -

why you deem me unworthy to be lived?
you don't know my Sun, how it is related
to my tears
You don't ******* know me, or what goes within
you take my words from my lips and twist it at your whim

if only love had appeared in the scene
not your weak, dispossesed pity, but a strong warmth feel

psychiatric care inmates, my dears
we are in the same ship
the only way out of here,
the way out from this ****,
is to show ourselves
we still live, we are here
take over their boring streets

You say we aren't human, sure we aren't.
We are the superhumans you were looking for,
but turns out, you were ******* blind.

We'll haunt you, those of us who got killed
by your cold hand, but many of us are still there
and better yet - Don't mourn us.
Just go out on the street and scream out, get drunk,
live up, recklessly ****,
the way we couldn't, for our mouths were shut down.

If you must leave me
then I'll let it be
I am pushing to my death
so I can breathe

I am at a lack of words
Overwhelmed by what surrounds
My war begins at home
My war is my own heart

If we must break
the tears will fall down my face
but I'll let it happen
with all my pain, but I'll be there

All the things your mom told you.
All the old wives tales you heard.
All the fear culturally instilled.
To hell! Let's break!

All those thoughts keeping you away from the core
Deprogram yourself - before it is too late
Before the fear makes a mess

All the false reservations which are not yours
Kick them out!
Unlearn what you have swallowed all the time
Look with new eternal eyes
Look like a child - untamed, always wild
Those motions you must learn to stop
Undo them, deconstruct them till they die
They are keeping you away from life
Biggest ever crime.

I had a vision this morning - I had to deprogram myself
Get rid of futile, pointless pain
And only see happiness, the joy everywhere
Even in tears, the truth shining there
This is the most precious thing you'll ever do
Learning to wear your own shoes

My fella that never leaves me, the structure around my bones, fake and real.
My pet peeve, my best friend,
My savior, my doom…
My wings, my legs, my cane,
My drug, myself, my scar, my wound.
That’s what it is to me.
Yet it is nothing but my strange scheme of things I made to carry on living…
Something I’d like to live without.

I am a brat
with scars
in her arms
I am a brat
Bad behavior, rebellious child
Pure danger

Misunderstood - freak show
Spoiled - not tender
But there must be something
to which I pander...

I am a brat - a dreamer in arms
I am a brat - who decides that?
I am a brat - but you loved me back
I am a brat - that's been through much
I am a brat - I know nothing at all
I learnt it all in my own

I am a brat - a child still, you never let me go far
I am a brat - a girl that catches something and still yells
more! more!

I am a brat - maybe if you love me
we'll break the spell
or you'll join me and see a bit
of my reality through me

FEAR OF FLYING
I spread my wings - to the sky
And I fly high, so high - I get drunk
like a bird - in the night
I dance their dance - oblivious of my feeble self
But then, cold, cold wind hits my wings
And I fear falling to the ground
I wanted simply to be there - drink a little water to calm my thirst
I forgot my wings are essentially broken
And I might fall in any moment.

*****, untidy, disorderly impulse
I don't remember exactly how it was
Maybe it was me, maybe not
That fever of jumping into anyone's arms

***** as the fires
***** as a lie
The final proof something's off
Or am I wrong?

*****, untidy, disorderly impulse
I read about it, and think what the ****?
It's like I was saying words not mine
Like I had been possessed, by myself
Like I had lost my compass...

I will fight, and learn, and try
about this impulse
till I see the truth
It feels so wrong, it feels so good
But now I'm back, I have a little clue.

"How about opening your mind?"
Granted.
It's like it was a prefabricated impulse, not pure.
Unlike true desire.

You always say we're going to places
You always say so many things
Finally it becomes nothing
but your bed

You always say you care
you always say I'm the one
but our conversations
are falling short so far

we are shallow, somewhat flat
we are drifting apart

You are afraid of transitions
but there's no reason why
although the question of kisses
always puzzles me too a lot
But I don't really mind
I want you much more than what my body does

Do you see the fear in me
and that drives you away?
What is in your mind that I cannot understand?

I don't feel any loved, we are not what we used to.
Lies and hiding, cannot be our path.
Everyone talks around.
It's obvious I'm being let down.
I don't care, but truth be told. Things have changed.

It's like a chain around my neck
keeping me still and i'm not free still
it's a yes and a no
all coming through your lips.

But...we are so different, we come from different paths.
You come from life, crowds, I come from air, fire.
I come from loneliness, not knowing who you are.
Finding truth in the strangest spot.
Struggling till death, death do us part.

But I have also witnessed the beauty
of the strange, bright night lights.
My world is psychotic, and so is (turns) my love.
Love is a threat, but it pays off.

Where do we go? Where you want to go.
I know we are not
simply names in each other's lives
to be put away

I fought monsters and myself in your name.
Have you ever done the same?
There's something deeply wrong with us
we cannot give it a name
There is something deeply true with us
we cannot give it a name

Harrowing!
The future looks harrowing!
But it shines so bright
A flame I cannot avoid to touch.
Will I get burnt?
Who knows!

Harrowing, uncertain but you will be there
In my thoughts and my bed...
Harrowing but I can pull a trick here
and survive my own ****
Harrowing but nothing short of fantastic
A ride not to forget, and you can get off
anytime you feel like
I trust this fullness in my chest
I trust whatever it takes
I trust, because I've already known the worst
and it's looking ******* up

She's a big ****** from somewhere else
Look at her hair and her UFO dress
She breathes bountiful chaos
listen to her gleeful wails!
Distilling her pain into yet unheard yells
Will she get what she craves, what she deserves?

Not many letters for her address
(she has my 2 cents)
No big names, the fame?
hasn't come yet
She's a gem
because no one found her yet
She needs no polishing; she's so raw
let her stay
She's a story of her own, even if she fails
Beauty of losing, it never breaks

Want to know why I did not die?
Because I did write.
Want to know why I survived?
Easy - because I write!

I was 13 - I was lost
and I wanted to **** myself
I wrote a letter to, but instead
I had a story to be told
my own...though I did not know...
a brain to arrange - my feels,
my thoughts
Art up, broken child!
Bleed onto the page and go drain the pain!
Do something! Make sense!

The night was threatening and I could not sleep
Everything so sharply and hurtfully real
I touched life and oh, ****** blisters
all over me
Opposites coming close
I am the mixture of them all

And my soul was shabby and in ruins
I could not tell what was me and what wasn't true,
so many times
Nothing was clear but the soreness
I felt, yet that was the proof I was there, too.
Art up, broken child! Do not lick the wound,
stitch it with a few rhymes!

And there were faint rays
of what could be
The kiss I never got these days
The dreams I had that got delayed

Later, the flow got stopped - because I got clogged
All pain, all emptiness, all doubt
Frozen inside, fetters outside - caught up
I decided to retreat because I could not be
yet I thought I was striving to be freed
Had no certainties at all, so my mouth I shut
so my power I shunned - I was blocked

So I can never shut up
without shutting down
And my words came back at me
as soon as I entered again the scene
I am here because my pen never sleeps
Therapy can be expensive but notebooks
are cheap

Yet now sometimes I feel so full
My pen is bloated in it too.
And we lie happy, satisfied,
just seeing things go by,
just wanting to be by your side...

something big
goes on when I don't write

The pen casts a spell
to each of our little pains
Charged with our ache,
distills into peaceful stillness,
a final and blissful end
(Words indeed do save)
Humans saving humans,
this is true heaven, truly being blessed

It's a sweet feeling
calm and delicate
and probably not as everlasting
as pain can be
But...

I am an alien in the world
I am not like them
And I never wished such a thing
I cannot help being myself
But...

I'm starting to enjoy, the ride
Never lose who I am
Never lose what I've found
Kisses, thrills, the will to leave!

(It's a naturalness in my life
I never knew before)

I am getting used to this
And I'm seeing life expanding in front of me
And things are sweetly functional
and the dysfunctional shows its face for me to slay
And all the waves washing me out
are part of life
That I'm being myself
and it's working out pretty well

All the pain makes sense, everything is still and moving
Everything is calm and shaking
I'm moving limp, but I'm moving
Optimistic moment - tears will follow

Everything is normal, everything is natural
The waves pulling me and pushing me - natural
Is it for real?
Things start to make sense
My life is configuring itself - the spells work
In all directions, good and wrong
The spell of loneliness, the spell of the house - dead
the spell of a new life
calling out for my name!
I make sense - for once!

Me? A part of the world?
I never had thought it, I would have not bet for it ever before.

But still, I don't feel I am a human or an alien anymore...
I am somewhere still to fathom
I am half everything