There was a girl living in black canvas
There was a girl drowning in secrets
And a helping hand came to save her
from the dirt

She was only 16
But she knew heaven and hell - they go hand in hand
And this helping hand
was a so-called wolf
Was he a wolf? I still want to know

He drank her vital fluid for breakfast
She bled a slow death
A different one from the one she knew, but death,
nevertheless

To find venom where once love was found
He fed on her insecurity and her illness
offering a poisonous hand
That sends you to the couch, fall in love with ghosts,
happiness, happiness, maybe with a deathly touch.

And then we met again
always and never the same

And my eyes were colored a hue
But now the hue - I felt it change
what about a hue made of myself?
It's all I get

And deciding between those two irreconciliable tales I've spent nearly 8 years.
What is it really about him?

I want to shake so bad
But I feel dead inside
I want to feel the world in me
But I broke down so this is it

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
When you love, you love, you love so much
A love perched in the heart
yearning to extend, but trapped inside

I knew life, it was ours.
I will fight, till I lose control.
I will die, doing this
I will catch back, catch up
Just let me relax

Life is risk
Life is pain
Life is - blood stain
It's not my fault if you can't see the gift
it's not my fault if you can't see it's big
that the solution to the fear lies inside of it

When I was hidden in my cocoon
my body stiff and frozen, nothing moved.
Now I am out, the outside hurts.
It snows, it is terribly hot, it burns,
it hurts, it hurts.
I'm under it! The weather is mad
And I would give anything
(because I am in fear)
to run away from
but it's not my fault
I have to see the whole
I have to have it all

life is risk
the uncertainty, that always is
we all end up stitched with a few wounds
life is pain
the forces driving you everywhere
the questions stand for themselves
you cannot be alive without accepting death

life is guts, milk spilled on the floor
life is dangerous for the heart
yet it is the only way to go
Do not be a martyr; because life
is not a punishment
I chatted angels that forbid my freak
I befriended Puck and he set me free
Life is a gift
laced with tears -
sometimes filled with contrary feels

I love you to death
Into your hand - I melt
I am like sweet buttercream
to your kiss

It hurts, it hurts, it does
being with you but
I think it's myself instead
My insecurities pile, they take it away
Bitter candy today

Why do I rush to the saddest songs I know?
Why do I want to cry - but so happy at your side
Why do I get so uptight - knowing we are right?

I know I get so tiring
even to my own ears!
Can you chew this bitter cupcake
Can you take all I am including what makes me undone
The knife has some blood
the cupcake has a heart!

And I look back
and everything's fine
I will learn the heartbeat
to life and dance steadily to it

When the angels spoke to me
They left a buzzing in my ears
They turned me upside down - maybe put me back where I belong
Such a deafening sound

Are they angels or demons - the voices in the head
Light and darkness - must learn to difference

I was in the train - when they spoke my name
Strangely calm, soft, me
Sacred preciousness of awakenings
God gave us reason, but he gave us our heart
And learning to use both in our whole life's work

The angels talk to me, they make me sing and cry for your love
Questions and revelations popped into my brain -
afterwards I was not the same, in a way
I confuse symbols, I take them as facts
I forget they are the ink with which we enhance our lives
Goodbye Móstoles, I might say
Not without a tear on my eyes
Maybe we were never meant to stay
A hickey, a laughter, but it's broken

When the angels talked to me
they made a mess out of me
left me thinking
of the possibilities
Your love stings and leaves an itch
How to run away from your lips? From your sweet touch?
I just cannot scratch easily

When the world opened its jaws
I sat there, no music, sweet, calm
Storm in a teacup

Please don't go back to your spells
Your saving, binding spells
You've gone so far, and further you'll go
just hear what you are saying
hear everything around

The pen casts a spell
to each of our little pains
Charged with our ache,
distills into peaceful stillness,
a final and blissful end
(Words indeed do save)
Humans saving humans,
this is true heaven, truly being blessed

There is something sickening about Christmas
On the edge between tears and bliss
Not being able to fulfill what I need for real
"December" by Ben Gibbard and stuff
every Christmas it kind of comes back

If you leave me
I can already read it
Messages with the "seen" infamous tick
It's my Christmas omen
Coming back at me
My Christmas fear
A perfect timing for the perfect pain
The most crippling one, meant to be today
Lonely, confused, torn in two

There is something threatening about Christmas
Hidden in subterfuges and empty laughter
Filled with air
A hint of loss, with all meanings of the word
something dangerous grows in my soul
I kick it with my boots, but it scares me as the first one

There is something fearsome about Christmas
The pain that all might (in fact it does) go wrong
By your hand, my broken heart
My broken mind, that? I can do alone
There is something dark about Christmas
Something blind and shapeless but existent
I can't even begin to explain
I simply sweat it away
I simply fight it away
I simply survive
Sometimes it hurts...every now and then

But...the lights in the street
The people smiling, in the periphery of my eyes
The periphery is all, encompassing the whole
But...I am coming alive
Your love, your kiss does
Sweetest thought of this menacing season
for this girl that writes

Maybe it's time to stop
this crazy spinning wheel
from spinning to the point of breaking
I'll go down not into my hole,
but inside what I've felt
because sinking never was an option
I'll do what I want
I'll go with my mad friends
and have a party all alone.

We are not an exclusive relationship
But it excludes us

So here I am, heart broken in hand
Pen in the other, let my thoughts run and fight
And I'll float on air, but no more thick, spacey air
I've been ****** a considerable part of my life
so I don't remember what it is like...

So I'll be it again
but never again the same
So goodbye, you liar
but I hope we can be friends.

It's a sweet feeling
calm and delicate
and probably not as everlasting
as pain can be
But...

I am an alien in the world
I am not like them
And I never wished such a thing
I cannot help being myself
But...

I'm starting to enjoy, the ride
Never lose who I am
Never lose what I've found
Kisses, thrills, the will to leave!

(It's a naturalness in my life
I never knew before)

I am getting used to this
And I'm seeing life expanding in front of me
And things are sweetly functional
and the dysfunctional shows its face for me to slay
And all the waves washing me out
are part of life
That I'm being myself
and it's working out pretty well

All the pain makes sense, everything is still and moving
Everything is calm and shaking
I'm moving limp, but I'm moving
Optimistic moment - tears will follow

Everything is normal, everything is natural
The waves pulling me and pushing me - natural
Is it for real?
Things start to make sense
My life is configuring itself - the spells work
In all directions, good and wrong
The spell of loneliness, the spell of the house - dead
the spell of a new life
calling out for my name!
I make sense - for once!

Me? A part of the world?
I never had thought it, I would have not bet for it ever before.

But still, I don't feel I am a human or an alien anymore...
I am somewhere still to fathom
I am half everything

Everyone's saying **** but I don't care
I believe in the supernatural binding us
Because I've seen it once and twice
Kiss you as our first ever contact

Everyone's saying crap about us two
That I should leave you, that I should not
Are you playing with my heart?
Am I a goddess or a doormat?

Now the levels of adrenaline in blood
go back to normal
My friends advice floats like a log in furious waves
And they throw a different shade
Have you lied to me? Have you lied?

How to say STOP when it is needed
How to know if you are not well treated
Love is like a mask
Blinding your eyes but making you see beaming lights
Truth and lie in the same sentence
Something really hard to describe

it has crept inside my dreams
polluting me
the thought of division
won't let it win

it's a fever that wants to burgeon
a game that went too far
a feeling out of place
a kick in the stomach...
but if i accept it i let it win
and if i don't, it wins anyway

this is not how my heart behaves
something's wrong in there

I know I really don't know
why my heart beats the way it beats
but i will give my everything
to know about it

I love you, I love you
but my mind - the impostor
forces my heart to do things
he really doesn't like

I don't flow
I drown
I'd rather drown
than this way flow

*****, untidy, disorderly impulse
I don't remember exactly how it was
Maybe it was me, maybe not
That fever of jumping into anyone's arms

***** as the fires
***** as a lie
The final proof something's off
Or am I wrong?

*****, untidy, disorderly impulse
I read about it, and think what the ****?
It's like I was saying words not mine
Like I had been possessed, by myself
Like I had lost my compass...

I will fight, and learn, and try
about this impulse
till I see the truth
It feels so wrong, it feels so good
But now I'm back, I have a little clue.

"How about opening your mind?"
Granted.
It's like it was a prefabricated impulse, not pure.
Unlike true desire.

You're shutting my mouth with love
And I feel different than I did
I see things blurry and a whole lot more clear
In a hurtful light but I am gonna fight
I see freedom, clean
I see my wounds, I see mayhem
(your love turned me upside down)
And in the amidst of this all
I do find peace.

I have to keep looking for it
Whatever it is

Because this quarantine
makes me feel so relaxed it's mad
Why do I need to flee? Flee like this
Why this feeling comes over me?
Flee from love, scared of the city lights

I have to keep looking for it
Whatever it is

There is pain further than pain. There is a mechanical pain, a pain that hurts not hurting at all, making you go along life but missing something deep.

There is a beatless pain. There is a pain grabbing you by the throat. But silently, so you can't yell.
There is a pain not too big, it never fully seizes, but it is there.
Constant turning of the ***** that won't make you cry, but they do oppress. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. They oppress like few things more. You cried in pain, and you discover now there are worst realities than pain: the cryless anguish, the wordless complaint, the oblivion of loss. Will you come out of this?
Most important of it all: who will come? Will you come out alive?

And the ghosts of the past, alive tonight
Me, looking at daddy's ***
Me, thinking I am a necrophile
Me, swooning over Gaspard Ulliel
Me, being free
Me, signing my death
Me, in your bed -happy like I had never been-
Me, lost in the dark convoluted corridors
Me, about to break in parts
Me, 14 in the car, daddy is telling me that if I go madder he'll get mad in turn
Me, going psychotic
Me, atonement by the flesh
And nothing could be worst than this
the past all over me
No way to flee...

Way before the awakening
The pink hair, the men, the crazy life
(should I call it merely life?)
There was you.

Blue Danish eyes
Entrance me into a whole new world
Soft womanly shape
Open a girl’s mind..
You were there when there was nothing…
II
Gitte you lie in me
like a shadow of what could be
lustful promise of girls
all of them in my bed!
III
Like a crack on the wall
through which the air starts to ooze inside
you were the first fresh I ever breathe
since months…

Everything broke - me included
I cannot keep my mouth shut - I will lose this
It's not a fashion statement, it's a deathwish
It's not a whimsical desire, but my whole life
my tears dry
You say and you talk about reality
but reality is a many sided thing
**** their reality, never worked for me.
If you knew to which point I came to be broken
how much it has weighed down my wings from soaring
and only now I was flying...
I love her! I can
At a distance
So I don't break in parts
'cuz of joining

All the energy gone!
No matter what you blast in your earphones
The doors could be open
it's up to you to close them

You've been derailed
walking exactly where they want you
and you feel so nervous
patterns that **** you and save you

You've been here before
This Christmas pain is a lot
IDLES won't save you so far
Not if you leave yourself out
and start wandering again
in the high street
Remember when you were 19?

It's a wrong move
it's a loose *****
But I will fight this, I do
Just need a little time
to do what I do

It's the scariest ride
it's the darkest side
The beat of past lives
past reactions, past ones
and it all began
with a *****
falling loose

Did something die?
If so, what it was?

What if I am an alien and this was merely an illusion?
What if I have been there the whole time
my skin still green and my feelings froze
no fireflies

What if I should stay in my room
and dream, dream of the world outside
because as an alien, I will never belong
Not my own

The wounds are all too deep
Being alive is too hurtful a thing

Yet there is a feeling of release
in being human for a while
there is something great
in being a part of this mess
There is beauty in being a part of this
I am all speechless

Poets - all of us aliens
Hands tied but eyes staring at the Sun

I saw the tower which grown tall
Fall down, fall down
And my father making things hard
everything dies, this I know right
and running to the refuge of my friends
because I have lost myself
I saw my insecurities adding up
to the pain I nursed inside

And today I could not forget
all the things you said
And you weren't there today.
And I have been here before
so I go into the archive ways of my heart
I can't help but never forget
and I dig my own grave once more
They create a hurt inside
And all of a sudden, I was high,
surprise!

High on thoughts of leaving
High on a way I could not fight
High seeing a world without you
My friends and me, talking online.
And I saw the jigsaw fit
But I was high, could I see?
I am an empty vessel without you. Am I?
It wasn't the spell of freedom
but the spell of rushing
Rushing things. A rush in my blood.
Quicker than I thought.
But watch:
wave pain goodbye.
wave fight goodbye.
wave life goodbye.

I am drowning in doubt
in anger, in tears, in words
They come to my head, but ah
why does the pain make you high?
Can we survive the tide?
The tide of our honesty.
This is going to break us in two.
Love opens a hole, you are no longer whole.

Oh, God!
Came to you so hard.
But I'm stepping on reaver land.
I better calm down.

What am I becoming?
My life is toiling under pleasure.
We cracked under the pressure.
These ******* are fine, (else I'd lie)
But they have a bitter taste deep inside.
Dopamine keeps me alive - but it has a price
I'm losing my mind.

*****, it's not enough! Your love, it was not enough,
back then! But every shadow of you makes me shake...
I bring you back in every ****. Or did you bring me back to God?

I'm cracking since you fled.
Can you fix the damage done?
And I am blooming in new ways,
but really I know I am withering away.
I was a strange wild flower, now I'm in the sewer.
This time it won't work, I am too broken.

Who told me I'd become an addict
to the earthquake below?
While I'm hungry on your love - no longer
just a dead beat in my guts
a hope some hours - destroyed many more
Ditch the **** - find your own
find your soul
if you are not already lost!

Why do I go to see girls ******* on men like you?
Why all my joy, fantasy of life is through?
My dear, I shipwreck without you

Am I going for a deeper ride?
Drown my hands in the shaky sand
So much fear, cemented in years
I want to scream for help
But no one's there, not even my tears.

Oh love! Elusive force
without it we rot
Impulses separated - love from lust
Don't be fooled - they are not truly apart
How come we are? How blind?
Why pain feels so fresh?
Solo ***, does it save?
I guess it does, but I miss your caress

Since we fell in love,
fear was flying around.
Fear that I might lose it,
and weird thoughts.

I fear losing my ***,
more than anything else!
All these videos we recorded.
Now I am on the other end.

So much to dig out,
expect me, I'll be back.
But you won't. And then I'll hold tight
to **** Hub.
(You'll do the same, but you are not as broken)
Oh God!! Spare me this!!

What is it about men
what's wrong with them?
Why do we rotate around - if they never respond?
We love too much, never get back
We gave it all, you never grew up

Is it the zeitgeist, the sign of times
or what is it like?
why all of you look so fine
but break hearts despite
and you stay all perfect in one piece
because you never dared to bleed
Is it Tinder? Is it capitalism?
Is it Catholicism? Is it egoism?
It is despair? Is it the true nature of ***?
Is it the loss of family values, is it ****?
Tell me, then!

Why do we fall hopelessly
it's not commitment it's not a ringwish
Affection and closeness - all I need

Girl get free!
don't fall prey for his tricks
do not ever sink
under the spell of
unknowing the true nature of love
Which I can't express, but I can know

I touched sky, with your hand
But you never dared to fly, stayed in the ground
We could have been bigger than the world
But you didn't want

Girls let's get free and get away
we don't need them to feel great
Keep your fears on check
Never run away
Don't let yourself be played
though

What about girls and men
in the XXI century?
How to make sense of this topsy-turvy?

He said, "I'll reboot you and revamp you, give you back yourself"
but he was looking after
himself...
He said, "you are a wonderful disaster",
but the disaster went too over the top for your head
He said, "I will never leave you like that",
and I almost fell, fell for that.
He said, "all I want is you to feel okay",
but what I require is something that can't make you stay.
You were a liar - only a better liar tHan him.
I was a dissapointment - only a more attractive one.

What do you spend roaming around Tinder?
Where all those wolves linger

I thought he loved me
but he didn't, and did I love him at all?
Much more than I had thought.

What is pulling him away from me?
I see the patterns, the visions, you are not here
"All men want is you to **** ****"
Ha! My soul, is not a currency, for you to deal with
My soul, is not a game, a pastime
it is eternal, i must sleep with it...
although thick, spacey air had to die
but I died too a little bit

And I confused love
with a fundamental loosening of the self.
a general lack of tone.
Now, if you knock again my door...
what will I do?
I am tired.
This had to be.
I quit.

And you are worried
About your love supply
But as long as there's love
There'll be no shortage of that.

No fear, no fear
As long as you are here with me
Will God grant me
my one true wish

It is the essence of love
to worry a bit much
It is love's toll
You have to gladly pay it all

Love is at a lack for words
Happiness needs no analysis
No thoughts
Sabotaging
Themselves
No more

Oh, the lack of connection!
the eternal fear!
the one minute sadness!

I feel so suppressed
People around mean stress
I thought I loved y'all
but I get on my own nerves

The weight of loneliness
crushing their shoulders!
My spell, my binding spell
My freeing, freeing spell
All over them...
They fall at my feet
and i fall for them back
in my own very way

I fell for him, when my man left me
But it is gone gone gone
His eyes are away from me in my mind
If he knew what I feel
would he run from me
that i'm so pathetic to fall
for someone i've never seen

Want to know why I did not die?
Because I did write.
Want to know why I survived?
Easy - because I write!

I was 13 - I was lost
and I wanted to **** myself
I wrote a letter to, but instead
I had a story to be told
my own...though I did not know...
a brain to arrange - my feels,
my thoughts
Art up, broken child!
Bleed onto the page and go drain the pain!
Do something! Make sense!

The night was threatening and I could not sleep
Everything so sharply and hurtfully real
I touched life and oh, ****** blisters
all over me
Opposites coming close
I am the mixture of them all

And my soul was shabby and in ruins
I could not tell what was me and what wasn't true,
so many times
Nothing was clear but the soreness
I felt, yet that was the proof I was there, too.
Art up, broken child! Do not lick the wound,
stitch it with a few rhymes!

And there were faint rays
of what could be
The kiss I never got these days
The dreams I had that got delayed

Later, the flow got stopped - because I got clogged
All pain, all emptiness, all doubt
Frozen inside, fetters outside - caught up
I decided to retreat because I could not be
yet I thought I was striving to be freed
Had no certainties at all, so my mouth I shut
so my power I shunned - I was blocked

So I can never shut up
without shutting down
And my words came back at me
as soon as I entered again the scene
I am here because my pen never sleeps
Therapy can be expensive but notebooks
are cheap

Yet now sometimes I feel so full
My pen is bloated in it too.
And we lie happy, satisfied,
just seeing things go by,
just wanting to be by your side...

something big
goes on when I don't write

Fleeing - suddenly
like a glass about to overflow
Running away - for no reason
but voices and visions
later I'll clean my mind
but the clouds make the rain
that wash my eyes

you hate us when we don't abide
you hate us when we do what you don't like
when reality is - you don't have our eyes
and despite your efforts, they shine

They wanted to **** us because
like a mirror to their hidden wrongs,
we showed them their own scars and burns

you robbed us from us
and you punished us with death
cloaked as care
and those who did, weren't there
They didn't get the gist, I guess
if only love here had crept -

why you deem me unworthy to be lived?
you don't know my Sun, how it is related
to my tears
You don't ******* know me, or what goes within
you take my words from my lips and twist it at your whim

if only love had appeared in the scene
not your weak, dispossesed pity, but a strong warmth feel

psychiatric care inmates, my dears
we are in the same ship
the only way out of here,
the way out from this ****,
is to show ourselves
we still live, we are here
take over their boring streets

You say we aren't human, sure we aren't.
We are the superhumans you were looking for,
but turns out, you were ******* blind.

We'll haunt you, those of us who got killed
by your cold hand, but many of us are still there
and better yet - Don't mourn us.
Just go out on the street and scream out, get drunk,
live up, recklessly ****,
the way we couldn't, for our mouths were shut down.

Twisted, confused
I could be a poet superstar...
I refuse!

Slowly kicked by OCD
But it shows me things
I could be a poet superstar
Selling books, signing them and stuff.
But I refuse, 'cuz it might **** me inside
It ***** out the poetry in me - keeping me alive
I push myself in my mind - I change my thoughts - I'm upside down
Be a superstar - lose who you really are
Let me follow my own rhythm, and I'll move,
I'll Bloom
I'm not that proactive but it's cool, I'm fine

You all would go mad if you knew what goes inside my mind!
Specially you my jail keepers, my saviors
You want to read my insides but you'll be repulsed by them

Going back, going forth
Not knowing at all
and knowing too much at the same time
thoughts pile, hoard my head
They hover on it, they are too thick for me to get
This fog I'm in
of realizations striking me one after the other
All fake and real, fighting for air
To breathe, for birth
One clouding the other, coming too fast
Your love...builds me, tears me apart
I got obsessed with running away - but I'm a woman in the run
A ******* the run...

I came to the city
after my long trip along the world
I learnt a lot, learnt some tricks
but I don't wish to be back at it

I've been in and out,
never the same again
Thank God!
I've filled the slots
I've came back a lot more
wise

Never the same again!
I've tasted lips I've tasted desire
I've tasted despair, I've been there
But I know more tHan I did yesterday.

The house sneaker
forever in my brain

I could not abide
But I truely loved you my dear.

Teenage lesbian - I thought I was in my bitter hour
I come every night and every night I wonder
about why I lie in such a crossroad of pleasure

Men, what do I want from them?
Girls, what is this crap, does it make sense?
I am trapped in such a devilish web
But I don't mind if I go to hell...

I don't understand where it all came from
But **** it did, and it didn't feel wrong

Every day I fall further and further
And away and away from myself.
And closer and closer
this is the paradox!

After this the whole world glows intensely
With all its pain and its glory and its meaning.
I don't want to get off the carriage
anymore
Let me hop on and off
So I can make sense of my own heart

Tiago's words
cut like knives
but oddly now
they make me feel right

Tiago's words
are way too much
but I scratch
I can see where possibly I am

They soak me like an emergency
They are made of three quarters pain
And the rest pure life.
Maybe Tiago is right.
His words are like light
In such a pitch black night

You could be using me
playing with me
A non-loving Humbert
for this ever nymphet
you'd be

11 - lonely weird starving loyal obsessive
12 - denial rejected fighting mask all over me
13 - I explode, cannot hold no more. Hell begins.
14 - emo, doubtful, open. Wounds, scars of the soul all over.
15 - a pro, a loser, a loner. About to get lost. Over me, charms and curse.
16 - a wallflower in flowery shirt. Tranxilium pills. Hospital angels, a survivor in the make. Breathing slowly the air of life.
17 - at a fight, Courtney Lovesque. Afraid, angry, in love. Wounds bleeding, destroy my world. I walk, without aim. Sinning deep. Am I aware?
18 - I break down, no one picks up my pieces from the floor, so I have to do it on my own. Fearful, psychotic, fake, unable to breathe. Enigma to myself, cannot touch my flesh.
19 - the nebula grows, my mind drowns, to reach shores. Obsessive, perturbing, odd, dependent, byproduct of what?
20 - I've been polluted for years. This is the consequence: I break, once again. Seas of loneliness and meaninglessness.
21 - the truth spills out, cannot sleep with a corpse for life. I try to reach my core, at once. The word comes: schizotypal (not surprised at all)
22 - Humbert Humbert knocks again, and like a never dead nymphet I greet him. We fall in love again, silently, coyly, mysteriously. Pink haired spinster confused happy healing slowly do not disturb.my mind strangles me, but I am strong!
23 - my head sparkles in pink and so does my heart. My pen shakes. I laugh. Frisky, dubitative, poet, free.
24 - after the travel, I almost heal...

You could have been my star
But guess what, you did not want
You slipped from my sky
You slipped from my chaos
could eat us alive
I needed to slip from it too
but you did not come back
and that's good.

I gave you my heart,
I felt it helplessly all the time
I could not understand
what went on most of the time
but my heart was rotten
this I didn't know
I was gifting you my all
but my all was venomous
but my all was wrong
it wasn't enough!
but it is all I have
please lovers take my hand
this broken heart
is all I really can have
it mends on its own
it needs no nurse or doc
just eyes...and hands
and love,
and love,
and love,
that word I cannot stand
that word I really don't understand
what we crave
what makes us great
salvation in a trap
the hidden treasure
that we obtain in magic,
fabulous ways

I cannot back down now!
Now Florence sings and it is clear to me
Things look shiny and new
But something is off, still
I cannot back down now

I got free from it
The moment I told you "this can't go on like this"
I cried like hell, but before this
I knew I could not carry that way

And yet, things might change
you might stay
"I need you to get away
while you stay", I said
But the world opened up to me
thanks to you, and without you too

You pull me, with a word
unexplainable attraction of the souls
might reciprocate with the bodies
or not
You pull me forth, and I fall
Fall from grace?
Nah, don't think so
but my insecurities were myself
not you

it's
just
one
thing
i cannot do

I cannot back down now
I cannot go back to a state
where my mind feels cloudy with life
But I know I cannot stay here
watching the time pass by

Been thinking about it all
what does it mean and how it fits
in my map
maybe too much

I am like a matrioshka
a box
you gotta reach my core
I gotta do it too

Sometimes ***** others rotten away
With no kind of sense
(That's my aim!)
Because in the end it all fits

Why do I give myself away
to no one in the end? Dying so unaware
Lose my golden thread
that leads me to such a good place?

I think I liked him, like I could like anyone else!
And in the everyday charm, I fell for
And I lose my vital spark, for living life
what a paradox! what a strife!
I slipped once, not twice

So unsure! I drive to my destination
So lost, I find my direction
Why do I cling to men, instead of clinging
to myself
so I can really then turn to them

where is the lever I pulled wrong
where are my notes, where is the antidote?
No time for panicking anymore -

The wounds and the disease didn't leave
It will chase me till I face the demon clear
Maybe all I need is time - to heal
Maybe there is something wrong I need to steer
The answer won't be spoken or said, but found
Where am I now?

She's a big ****** from somewhere else
Look at her hair and her UFO dress
She breathes bountiful chaos
listen to her gleeful wails!
Distilling her pain into yet unheard yells
Will she get what she craves, what she deserves?

Not many letters for her address
(she has my 2 cents)
No big names, the fame?
hasn't come yet
She's a gem
because no one found her yet
She needs no polishing; she's so raw
let her stay
She's a story of her own, even if she fails
Beauty of losing, it never breaks

I am drowning in Sigur Rós songs
and tarot decks
I have thirst for the infinite but I can't reach
so I drown in this place

I have thirst for something I can't tell
I move nervously and cannot find a rest
I am away from everything, and further I will get
This spiral looks like life but it is death

Something's quite off, something doesn't work.
Ask your cards! Go further in the hole!
Ghosts hovering above - it could be so
I am head deep in this but I feel no glee
This is not me, something's amiss

This is the kingdom of solipsism
This is a dangerous land to be in
This is meaningless, this makes no sense
And no magic either to be found

It wasn't you, at all
who saved me
but myself
and the air
the people around
the strangers I know
the adventures you'd never approve of

No it wasn't you
who saved me
who spread my wings and made me fly
You have been the aid by my side
An average feeling, neither good nor bad
And I thank you for your goodness
But you've weighed me down
My wounds have not been
dramatically altered by you...

I value your love
But it is not enough...

Because I am a boat
Sailing away
We cannot stay

Maybe it's a turning point on this road
A calling I'm not listening to
But the calling's got your name
all over it, all over everything

This fire that got ignited
will go off without your care
And I will look at other men
but I need you to be there...

It's a tensiOn I can't reconcile
I fear the shutdown
Drowning again the way I did
I'm trapped in between!

I need your Kiss real bad
I feel the calling in the train
It's a faceless impulse...

Maybe I'm not listening
but your song fills the air I'm breathing

Your words touch me today in a very moving way.
Your words make me fly, I am close to crying.
You give me life.
When I hear you talk about your girlfriend, and about the ways of love
You make better poetry than I will ever do.
You, in fact, sound like an enlightened version of me.
Is it gone? Just wait and see...do not be detoured
by the demons within - trust me, they exist
Because we are not poets, we are just photographers.
With words, catching glimpses of the divine world

And that old Humbert told me today, that you need to live
to see how it is; of course you can't even try
if you live by wire
And I was also close to tears; so much beauty in this.
And that South African brother speaks to my heart,
and he doesn't even try! He is always there, with a helping hand.
And you whisper the life: without you I am lost
My everything, your world.
Who needs a Bible, or oracles, that stuff
when you have friends like I

can you see me?
because
in front of you
i don't dare to speak
but can you feel
my silent rebellion seep?
if you won't be here
I want you to
at least not interfere

lovesick girl you will find a home
freedom is soft and freedom is tough
lovesick girl forget what you’ve been taught
burn the wedding dress, set fire to your soul
jump into this pool of strange love!
this gift that leaves you sore
open, born

And you are back, so am I.
We always meet, every day, every night.
You creep into my dreams to boycott them,
while in the day you keep me alive.
I love you. That's why I behave like I lost my head.
I hate you. It's not true, you make me insane.

You are not guilty at all
your only sin is being alive
making paradise
out of this intrincate hell

Here I am - completely disgregated
Never breaking down was so pretty
Stitch me, sew me back again
Stop thinking - start living
but ah, my leg is stuck in the machinery

My days were fun at first
But now you are a drying kind of thirst
"You're beautiful"
I live to raise your altar in my mind
I live to live under the boot of your smile
But all I get is this - not much and not all
I live for this dead thing that will surely harm some
You're starting to wane, so I fight fight fight back
Because I love you so so so much

Oh you boy
I am your stalker and it's fun
but you must know how crazy I am
But only sometimes...

Hear me scream!
Hear me wail!
I am alive
I said!

This anger lives with me
but it's not destructing me
how to explain the hard equilibrium
in which souls like I live
it's making me move my limbs
hear us scream
the unwanted
the troubled
the disabled
hear us exist
we are here! We won't hide our face anymore
We can do it, granted, so you know
As Babes In Toyland speak this secret to me
we'll live in your margins, but we'll never die
beauty and truth lie in the garbage bins of the world
if the world doesn't know, it's not our fault.

Hear us scream!
Hear us survive!
Hear us dream!
Chase our star!
We are loaded with stars!
In this pandemónium
we shine!

Poems reflect and créate
their own states of mind
be aware what it is you write
it might change your life

It all boils down to this.
My metal legs could squeak.
I tell you my secret, so you know.
I don't know if you can take it.
You are no me (we already have enough
with an amoeba here)
But you like me,
strangely...

We might try, we might try, we might try,
but I might get undressed and you might get scared.
Or simply repelled...

You were sitting on your chair
Raving about a song by Air, “when I was high on M”
And then…a spectrum came
and you were more yourself
than you are when you are fully yourself
I could feel you creep all over my hand, and your lips, biting me
So contained, so strong, so blowing my mind
A ghostly presence and I held my breath
something so raw, something pure in the air
You and that music were just one…
It took you, sent you to another world…
But which spectrum was this? Hers or mine?
Was it my effect or the reminder of hers?
It’s the magic of the possessed
Those times you are not yourself
but something HIGHER…

Your thought i keep in my mind
Like something to be taken care of, my love
Is this love? What is it?

You became something to be taken care of
I am afraid of living without you
Wait! Not that, just…the dislocated beat in my heart because of you

You became an obsession.
Not a passion, not anymore
You became something odd, to my mind (like everything else)
I convinced myself well that you are my life.
But hark, you are!

You are alive and that is weird to me
Am I holding the unavoidable back? Am I?