I saw you yesterday for the first time in months and oh god your eyes still shine with the same glitter and your smile is still as lively as ever and I never exactly pictured us speaking again but oh my god do I hope you could see the way my face lit up when you peaked around the corner

I can't seem to scrub your blood off my skin as its essence never seems to rub off, my hands are forever guilty of hurting you, I am forever guilty of hurting you and I tried to bandage you countless times but your bones are still broken and your body still aches and I am so sorry for making you feel weak but the truth is when those bones heal you will be ten times stronger than I will ever be

Sometimes it isn't what you say that hurts, it's what you don't say. You never ask how I am, you never bother to question why my flushed red cheeks have faded to dull purply undertones, and you never cared enough or tried hard enough to help support me in regaining consciousness as my life around me blurs and slurs into a transparent orb of blacks and blues, and i just need you to know that I need someone but you never even asked me if I did to begin with

I'm so sorry for the awful way I've treated you and I don't know exactly why I do the things that I do all I know is that it's a whole lot easier for me to be heartless and have you dislike me then to be my sweet self and have my heart broken by you and have to pick up the shards that remain from my shattered heart and have to puzzle together the pieces again, but you know it's not easy because you can never fit a million pieces back together Perfectly there are always a few pieces that are left behind, and still collected between your nimble fingers, so I'm sorry for the way I've hurt you it's just I don't remember how to blockade the river of fear in my heart that you will hurt me just like the others have

If only I could somehow erase your name that's permanently tattooed to my forehead because whenever I walk around everyone can see it and how I wear you around like a souvenir but I've already departed from the country of you I don't need your souvenir anymore I want to let go but you're still with me everywhere and when I look in the mirror I still see your aching name written across my flesh and I hate that it won't go away no matter how hard I try and I just wish my heart would stop resting on my sleeve for everyone to come and easily obtain because I'm delicate and fragile and I'm trying to extract you from my body and my mind but you just linger on even tighter every time I try

January: I watched you slick back your hair when nobody was watching, and smile at the ground as she walked by. I wonder if you do that for every pretty face you see

February: You looked at me today and I don't know if it was on purpose but I thought about you that entire day

March: I want to know you, but I don't think you feel the same. So I'll just sit quietly over here echoing your name, maybe this time you'll listen

April: they told me you said you love me, I don't know if I believe them. You look at me like I'm thousands of miles away when I'm standing right next to you, do you mean to do that?

May: You told me you felt like you've known me for an eternity, is that why it was so easy for you to leave me without warning?

June: you remind me of blood loss, and it looks like you like to hurt, I don't understand you.

July:

August: I still feel your presence in my house but I know you're not there and you never will be.

September: I met someone new today and I think I like him but it might just be because i saw you in his eyes.

October: he told me I'm his everything and I told him I feel the same way

November: he held my hand and whispered sweet lies into my ear, and I pretended they were coming from you.

December: the weather is cold and bitter and it reminds me of how it felt when you left me. Do you remember when you left me? Do you even think of me?

I don't understand you and how you've managed to scoop up every last bit of my being and sign it with your name in permanent ink, it's like I'm your property, like I'm something you bought years ago and used to love but now you just leave me to rest on a your shelf of forgotten toys and treasures. I still love you and I shouldn't but I do because at the end of the day you're the only one I think I ever did love. I loathe you for making me love you because it isn't fair for you to make me feel like I'm all you've ever dreamed about and then as dawn fades to dust I'm a huge mound of nothingness to you. I wish I could stop feeling this way but I still want to be yours like I was back then