I'm a ******* handful,
I told him when he met me.
I told him that it's important that he'll never ever sweat me.
He forced me to open up and then went on and read me,
And now he's upset because he seems to regret me?

I warned you, I'd tear you apart like a gazelle and I'm the lion.
Do you not remember conversations that resulted in me crying?
Do you not remember arguments because I kept on ******* lying?
I was ******* terrified yet you still bothered trying.

See, you thought you were the fix it man,
I intigued you 'cause I'm broken.
So you did your best to put me back together - softly spoken,
All the joking, ***** choking, you tried to make me open
Which just made me close up more, with your shoulder always soaking.

In the past, they didnt throw rocks - *they threw boulders.
I trusted so much that it has made me grow colder
'Cause I refuse to be mistreated, manipulated, and abused.
Your optimism shows me we see the world in different hues.

You think that I am perfect and I wish I could say the same,
I wish that I could be confident and proud once again,
I wish that I could love you and I was actually sane,
I wish that in my past I wasn't treated like a game.

I wish that I could appreciate everything you've done.
As I been healing, you've been breaking and hiding it all up.
I never meant to drag you to the hell I lived in before,
And I can't see the light in your eyes anymore...

I'm hurting to my core,
My hands ******, feet sore.
Wanting to redo everything that happened before.

I'm a ******* handful,
I told him when he met me.
I don't deserve to love him **even if he ever let me.

Sometimes I have to cry.
Not because I'm sad.
Not because I'm happy.
But because I live in a shaded grey.
Always in between and never touching the end of each extent.
And when I think of you,
I cry.
Maybe I cry because I'm not with you at the time.
Maybe I cry because I miss you.
Maybe I cry tears of relief,
Thanking this universe for giving me love like this.
Because I've been neglected.
And torn apart like paper.
Maybe I cry in fear of losing you.
Maybe I cry in fear of having you.
Maybe I cry to relieve my anxiety.
My anxiety from an unknown cause.
I never know why I cry.
Maybe I never will.
But maybe,
Sometimes I have to cry.
Just because my twisted mind enjoys the feeling of these sheer tears that are filled with so many emotions as they're strolling down my face.
These mixed, jumbled emotions I can't sort out.
Some people say that black and white is all they know,
But I never knew black and I've never known white.
But grey...
Grey has walked beside me for years
Letting me taste each extreme,
As if that ever benefitted me.
And I,
I always stay in this area of grey.
It's the only place comfortable for me -
Someone who has felt both sides of two opposite ends.
Cause if it would let me leave, it knows I'd remain here.
Not because I'm sad.
Not because I'm happy.
But because it understands
That sometimes I have to cry.
And I'll never have to give a reason,
Because I live in a foreign place of unmade up minds and mistakes.
This place I like to call grey.
Which has gave me a home to store my imperfections.

Too late to laugh,
too late to cry,
too late to love,
too late to die.

No new messages.

I don’t know where you are on the other side of the screen. But I want to know. Badly.

No new messages.

I’m not sure what I’ve become, in these seconds, of being patient.

No new messages.

My soul only wants one thing, I realize: You. Your attention. Your sympathy. Your words to make me feel better.

No new messages.

I’m going crazy now. I want you, your touch through words. I want to know that you’re listening to my thoughts. That you’re here for me.

No new message.

My patience is running out, my love for you is too. Staring at a screen, wanting something only you can give.

What has my life become? I am nothing. Saving time for you to talk to me, when I should concentrate on what’s important.

No new messages.

My life is useless. I am looking for the wrong goal. But I keep staring, hoping you’d somehow send me a message, telling me it’s ok.

No new messages.

I’m tired. I’m sorry. I can’t stop being the crazy girl I am. But I’m in love, that’s all I can say.

No new messages.

I get it, you’re not online. Fine. I’ve stopped caring. What’s the point? Forget you. I hate you. I wish we’d never met.

No new messages.

Yes, I’m still here. Can’t you see? It’s been hours, I’ve been staring at this screen since you said you’d be here. I’m not ready to give up. Are you there, somehow?

No new messages.

I’ve tried, but it’s getting late. I’m sorry. Even though I know you’re not here. Please know that I still care.

I type in a new message and then sign out.

I Love You.

I once asked you
"How long will you love me?"
You answered "Forever and a day"
with your faded photograph smile, but

Only a few months later
we'd spend most our day
packing short-term memories
and ******* our goodbye

I guess you either needed a reminder
of why we lasted as long as we did, or
maybe you just wanted to feel my love
being emptied inside you, one last time

Either way,  you and I were never meant to last
we were a chance encounter, a flame
that quickly burned out  moments after you came, and I
watched the farewell dim your eyes

It's funny now, how forever
ended up being a Friday
at a crowded bus station

i'm living in the gist
of a
cold shiver,

wondering,
"what, why, and for how long?"

is it really for forever,
as the burning
insisted
before?

or is the tyrannous void,
in some muscle somewhere,
the truth
i should
remember?

count your blessings,
you foolish girl.

diamonds aren't always
found
on this ruff side of
town.

--

solar eclipse,
lunar harvest,
my soul is ripened
for the
taking.

Save no tears when I depart
let flow a flood of a broken heart
The eve is long we may embrace
for many hours more.

Before we face the eventual
let us grow flowers with all the spoils,
smile,  like the sun to
bloom before the call.

Let us try to climb together that tower
we find so tall ,
reach the top and shed a shower,
let loose those cleansing drops.

Like we did in that field
underneath the weeping willow
making love in the sweet
spring rains.

If the search for God
is a fantasy,
I would rather settle
for a fantasy...

This is a fictional account, but based
On truth for many women. I was,
Myself, abused by an ex-boyfriend.

---

Here's the ballad of Hammer Hand,
I'm here to spread it 'cross the land.
He loved to hit, as you can see.
What he hit was mainly me.
He was a brawler in the day,
But I left him where he lay.

This is for you gals out there
Who are hopeless, in despair,
Who are battered, made to kneel,
I do this so we both can heal.

I was kicked upside the head,
But now ol' Hammer Hand is dead.

~~CHORUS~~
Hammer Hand, oh Hammer Hand,
Did beating me make you a man?
I have suffered your attack,
You have made me blue on black,
Your heart was black, my soul was blue,
Your soul was false, my heart was true.

~~~~~~

Hammer Hand was tall and lean,
He was big, and ha was mean,
He would snack and he would punch,
Then he would demand his lunch.
He used to hit me when he drank,
His breath was fetid, his body rank,
Whenever help I'd try to seek.
He would hit me into next week.

~~~~~~

Hammer Hand is dead today
And this is what I have to say,
I told him when he broke my teeth,
He would pay and come to grief!
Satan himself will take you down,
And you'll be six feet underground.

~~ CHORUS ~~

I'm a woman so you're bold,
But Hammer Hand, you're getting old,
Hammer Hand you've had your fun,
But don't forget I have a SON.
You can make me black and blue,
But don't you go and  hit him, too!
Don't make him hate you, make him mean,
Soon he will be seventeen.

You said a thing which I believe,
You said you'd **** me if I leave.
But me 'n Jamie gonna pack,
We're gonna leave and not come back.
When I die, at least I know,
Where I'm bound, which way I'll go!
Down inside you know as well,
You are goin' straight to hell.

Hammer Hand, O Hammer Hand,
Now we've left, are you so grand?
You won't hurt us anymore,
'Cause you're dead upon the floor.
I don't think that you'll survive,
Shot with your own 45,

It wasn't me, I'm not that brave...

T'was Jamie put you in the grave.

At sixteen he was pale and shy

But he put a slug between your eyes.

You made him beg. You made him bow.

Well. I hope you're happy now.


SoulSurvivor
Catherine Jarvis
(C) June 11, 2011

There is a forest called Truth around the corner. I go in search for dialogue. So many perspectives there are to offer. One comes back more alive in their concept of God.
I feel a lightness in the falling leaves, stirs within me a freedom and acceptance of dying. Many creatures shuffle amongst the brush, skyward eyes enjoy the critters busy climbing. Up the Tree trunk towers, along the arm~like branches, up and down collecting food in preparation for the season called Winter. So many intricate sounds joined together of varied pitch, tone and timber make for lively conversation. Philosophies smooth ******* mates for various creations of Thought to incubate my ever expanding Understanding, the flowered fruit of Reason.