Wrinkles and Tears

I saw him
Alone over there
Ugly and full of wrinkles, I stared

I saw him
Alone over there
His coffee cold, I stared

I saw him
Alone many times over there
Contemplating the emptiness in front of him

I saw him
Sipping his coffee
With such focus and contemplation

I saw him
Alone over there
I asked the old man "Mind if I sit here?"

I heard him
Full of life and memories
With such energy and glee

I heard him
As I learned of life and history
We became friends, his gift to me

I heard him
As he proffered advice, laughter and wise words
I listened to the deeper beauty behind that wrinkled facade

I saw…………………………….I saw
   A hidden tear did fall


We often took walks and whiskey shots
He filled my soul with a history I never had
His kindness was gentle his words comedic
I soon learned he was never alone
For he lived in a happiness I could never acquire
I now had to ponder a delicate question

That first day, in the coffee shop
Who was truly alone?

Now I have the answer filled
As I shed tears at this old mans tomb

words like bullets.

i don't want them to hit me.
i don't want to bleed.

i don't want you to hurt me.
i don't want you to shoot.

i don't want
you to
wake up/
get out of bed/
get dressed/
look at me like that/
close your eyes/
turn around/
turn back/
speak/
turn around/
leave.

but your tongue's on
the trigger,
and my heart's beating fast.
and i'm closing my eyes,
counting seconds,
counting sheep
because you can't hurt me
when i'm asleep.

i won't feel a thing.

you're pulling the trigger
and my mouth is quieting the racing bullets,
but although they're muffled they still hit my ears,
the pain travelling to my heart.

i bite your tongue too hard
and you bleed into my mouth
and i try to forget that you said

"i'm sorry."

and i watch you,
everything in me
still.

everything in me
is
lifeless.

I tense up, an ice statue, afraid to even breathe
You're sitting so, so close, I can feel the heat from your arm
I send my eyes out of focus, to some dust speck in the corner
I don't want you to leave
But I don't think I want anything anymore actually because from the moment you sat down, the only person who mattered was you
I'm a puppet, waiting to be animated by the words of your spell
But they never come, thankfully, because you don't even know what I'm thinking
You don't even know you're too, too close
Eventually you get up and walk away
And power is restored to my limbs

But I'm so so scared because what happens when someone does know?
That with one touch on the wrist I can be controlled

Because this is what you taught me
You taught me on that bench, across from the lockers
To shut my mouth, sit very still, and nod yes
With tears in my eyes and a smile plastered on my face
You taught me to take anything you did or said
With sewed shut lips and a bounce in my step

You taught me how to be abused

And the thing that gets me most is that you never even said you were sorry

You greatest Know It All
Why did you take she?

Why why why?

Watery hands
Dripping from my own
Before the mirror.
Juggling with the unseen
Parts of me.

Portraits of the dearest ones
Long dead and gone
They're zooming out
I am zoning out.


--Eleanor Rigby

The outside is blue
And shaped like a bowl
Perhaps a tank
Perhaps the air I am breathing
Is water
I float in space
No, I swim

I am not a human being
I am a fish in a tank.


--Eleanor Rigby