Dear Faith,
i just wanted to say i love you
and i hope you get better.

i have so many questions i want to ask you
like why?
why didn't you tell me?
let me know you were feeling like this?
i wish i could of helped you, and it didn't have
to end up like this.

i love you more then anything
you mean the world to me, you are my best friend
my rock, my saviour.
but im sorry you were feeling the way you were,
but please things will get better i promise you!
im always here for you and that
will never change i promise you! and thats one promise i defiantly
know i wont break

for all those times you said you were a bad mum,
you arent
for all the times you said you were ugly
baby you are beautiful

i need to finish this but im crying
i just want you to know how much you mean to me
and how much it would destroy me if you
were to leave...

and how about Caden? your beautiful
baby boy! how would he feel not growing up without his mum?
knowing how beautiful she is
how amazing and kind she is...
Because no one can compare to you
Aunty Maddii cant live up to those expectations

so Faith, my darling i love you so much,
we can get through this together!
i promise i will save up all the money in the world
to come and see you one day, and it will just be the three
of us
You, Caden and Aunty Maddii


I love you Faith x

There was a man with massive plans - he was going to change the world. He laid it all out, started his route, then remember he never began. His great great grandfather was shot and became martyr to the racism that's still alive.

I watched a show with a ninja who killed for gold and i didn't care. I watched a show where a movie theater was shot and i got real scared. But just like the ninja i didn't believe - that could never happen to me.

I whent to walmart to pick up some milk and saw a man with a gun to a head. They gave him the cash and whatever he wanted in hopes to not end up dead. I've lived in this town for nearly 18 years - born, raised, and lived.

This is Belmont, the town i grew up.
I could be on cnn.

You always give me love
But I'm hostile towards you

You always trust in me
But I'm clueless what to do

You tell everyone I'm a gentleman
But I've never held the door

You tell everyone I'm a hero
But I've never been to war

You say I make you happy
But I only see you frown

You say I lift you up
But I only let you down

You think that I'm a man
But a man I'll never be

Why do you think I'm always scared
When you believe in me?

I don't know if I love you
But I'm willing to try
Even though I fall in love
With every passersby

I'm not sure of my person
Whether I'm weak or strong
But when I'm with you
I know I'll get along

And perhaps that's all
I need to get me by
A simple look from you
With that fire in your eyes

I just hope that in the end
I won't turn you away
Maybe this is love
That wants so bad to make you stay

The possibility exists that on November 8th
a circus clown may become Ringmaster
of the World and that will be a *****
trick played on humanity by God.

One of the worst parts about post 9/11 airports is you can't meet your lovers at the gates anymore.
You can't run off a plane and embrace with a kiss like two poor folks who never went to etiquette school.
The kind of kiss that is more like two faces punching each other.
The kind of kiss that has traveled a thousand miles in bated anticipation.
We shuffle off the plane and head to the baggage claim.
The kids behind me were born after 9/11.
They will never understand Richard Gere and Julia Roberts brand of love.
A love where nothing else mattered but getting back into each other's arms.
That love is gone.  
We have to go through security first.
Take off your shoes, check your liver for spots, and make sure you aren't
    carrying anyone else's luggage.
Loose lips, sink ships.
Don't say anything that might give aid to the enemy.
Everyone has to make sacrifices.
Your love comes second.

I don’t want to be present
when any child figures out

that much of our world
has descended into

dead toads atop a white pillow
where those children must lay their heads

to sleep at night for
the next eight decades.

I Sit with a grin
You like to pretend
Everyone says shine what's in
To bad my personality didn't get the hint
"Give me something baby"
Well, I guess you were meant to **** me empty
Personality isn't happy
Please be a real thing, not a dumb in between somebody
You and that half *** aura said no
That yells don't
Actions scream, "I'm depleted and faking"
Kind of like a satisfying ****
There is a fake sense of norm, causing the lonely and a rubbed raw feeling
Wait you seem almighty
OK
I'll give you a piece of crazy
Have a nice night, "Mr. ******* right"
I don't play the clingy scene
I like my life left clean
Read me
Leave

If only I was different,
Would I finally fit in,
If only I was what you wanted,
Would you love me,
If only I could understand,
Would you regard me as me,
If only I normal,
Could you let me live a normal life,
If only I was clean,
Would you reach out your hand,
If only I could be perfect,
Would you understand that I'm not,
If only I could find who I am,
Would you believe that I found me,
If only I left,
Would you realize what I felt,
If only I lived long enough,
Would you finally realize my potential,
What I could have been.

A crowd has gathered
in the home
of the unknown poet

a house of smoke
he calls it, but the poet
left for another affair

his gallant wife
descends the stairs
and shows no misery

while the guests read
his work sniffing
over their peer glasses

and with no regrets
whatsoever the poet's wife
drives a dagger deep
in her pale breast

as the poet is laughing
and dancing with ******
the guests at the table
place their orders.

Having a health "problem"
I can handle this
Try to keep working
Yes, I know I've been late a few times
So exhausted... fatigued...caffeine
or ***? Too tired lately...
many nights lacking somnus
used to be such a lovely escape
I stay late,
always get hours
and overtime
never forget to explain present circumstances...
not excuses...
Father told me
We must be dignified, stoic
Or try to be at least

No backup plan
or graceful exit strategy
not impossible if I need another job
to have smooth transition
no 9 months of vacation, sick leave...
no 401K advanced,
or generous severance
a little saved
I'm adaptable, capable
husband gone...meager
weekly contributions
resigned... thought crazy?
maybe I was...clinging to "principles"
not a tech analyst anymore...by choice
was I high?

apply for "rights"?
Yeah sure
FMLA...
Family Medical Leave Act
I know it well
Took time off this way before
when our child was ill
while I was working
at a HUGE health insurance company

5 years working here now
Nothing but Golden reviews
Great Bonuses
with Excellent pay
no vacation or sick time
I need to work every weekend and Holiday
required
and I gotta cover shifts
work off the clock sometimes
at night... and when called upon
At the owner's house
houses... I mean

Volunteering for big events
Exciting...HGTV...
rubbing elbows with Celebrities
Thinking that I would be part of this family forever...so naive still
Hoping I'd finally shine
Already Head Inn Supervisor
Do everything, know all the jobs
Hardly glamorous..
I'm proud of working at this High End Hospitality destination location

But Event Coordinator...
I am over qualified for both really
but too good at my job
I pulled staff to do a project...
She was AMAZED
He told me and no one's ever polished those beams
My heart sank and lept
Day-to-day functions
might be my new thing...

A quagmire to walk on
I'm sinking
dropped into a legal mare's nest

Shouldn't have said anything
about being "sick"...
We need to talk to you
Alright
30 days till Christmas
spent most of bonus
things could be worse

Disbelief, not connecting yet
Tears start coming
like a deluge of pent up sacrifices
time I lost
and such costly prices
all seem so unappreciated
Breathe

Why in the world did I spend
so much on a gift for them?
Just a written warning
Never before
I'm just afraid
No having that...
Take a pill or something

Collusion?
or coincidence?
New trainee...
though I'm not training her?
We are... very busy
They just want me to take a look
and make sure she's doing a good job though and pick out her mistakes
Don't forget to finish
writing those guidelines...
or getting Dr. signed off on those rights

new phone number
leave it with her on a piece of paper
reluctantly agreeing hand over that ink
feel instinctively she doesn't like me
we have disagreed before
says she let me know if the staff I called in doesn't show up to cover my shift
no one called
not even to ask where I was
quiet as an empty church mouse...

went into work on Monday
they thought I actually
didn't show up for work
good one, very funny
you never left us your number

On the piece of paper I left it with her
She denies it...
well could have predicted that
B*!!!
I find the crumpled, bloodstained, tear soaked evidence in the recycling
they grab the bin...out of my hands?
Seriously?
say that doesn't prove ANYTHING?
Now I'm just ****** the f off!!!

Second time called on carpet
Keep working
To hell with them
What was that he said?
Disappointed in my life choices?
Oh... I didn't want to sleep with him right.
Most reasonably attractive girls
that have worked there did
disappointed in me...because jealousy
  dating a younger guy
my family doesn't mind but he does?

Make sure I'm clocked in on time
and leave on schedule
2 more weeks till a rest
work Christmas Eve
then Christmas
you know other staff has
"more important" things
their children are younger
or something

another talk...oh, well a good one
I hope... being Christmas
Demoted?
What's that?
I don't think I understand?
One day a week?
Is this a f** joke!?!?
Oh....right because I wanted Medical leave..well,
I can put that off whatever.

No...that isn't why
No tears...
then...

So angry, fuming
as darkness is looming
yelling at the void of listeners
dignity? Stoic?
Sorry Dad...
as maniacal laughter...
those demon poet's
snicker at such an unpoetic ending

Done...
Convenient replacement, already trained
then go on a "vacation"
they own land in Holland
grow tulips...
still reaping Tulip mania benefits?
no "un"- employment,
wasn't fired
I guess I quit
since I never got another shift
though I apparently
was "scheduled" for a couple
maybe their phone was broken
I certainly was

I just was infuriated
and that guitar playing
Lil boy blue
bright eyed
peter pan
my younger boy wonder...
he was disappointed too
well thanks for the Charlie Brown tree
nice knowing you...
you beautiful burden
you haven't worked in how long?

I ripped down that twig that night
it was the ending and the beginning of EVERYTHING.

Cherie Nolan © 2016