I can't reach your human
I hear your words
I feel the desire
I understand, but
I can't reach your soul
It's a pity I can't look into people's eyes
Maybe thats where your human lies
Your holding me is all I look forward to
for the words you speak I've heard before
I hate making you repeat yourself but
there's really no need to keep explaining yourself
I find it hard to explain that its not at all that I'm not understanding
It's that I'm not reaching
I can't see your walls when I'm behind mine
And I'm not letting mine fall until I see you inside
Show me behind the privileges, what did you suffer
Flip your red healthy heart to the other side, who bruised it?
I'm hungry for your sorrows
Feed me your worries, insecurities and impurities
Show me all your imperfections
Baby, I'm nothing without your hurt, your loneliness
I'm useless without your I-Hate-The-World views
My healing nature craves your broken soul
Let me touch it
Let me heal it
Let me see you grow back to who you were when your mother
held you in her arms for the first time
I need YOU to show me
your authenticity
your soul
I need you to show me
your human

You said it first
Those words I was always afraid of
You said it first
And God it scared me to death

I thought I was never enough
I was never beautiful enough
I never reached your level of class
You were a bad boy
And i was " that girl"

The fact that you said those words first
Is exactly why I could never repeat them
But you had  me tangled in your Web
That you woven so easily with the feelings you thought you had for me

I was so caught up in those words
I didn't realize you were slowly slipping from my grip
I guess I was so afraid to love you
That I didn't bother to hold you tighter
I was so afraid that you loved me first
That it made me believe you weren't honest
now that you've slipped away from me
God, how I wish I could've told you

How I wish I told you I loved you
How I wish I told you that you were exactly what I wanted, needed, yearned for
How you made me feel  better
How you made pain feel like joy

And now that you've slipped away from me
I only admit it to myself
I loved you Wyatt , more than anything
And it's because you loved me first
Is why I didn't tell you I loved you
Because you loved me first
I didn't think you'd ever leave.

With you I was in love with
Blinded by the endless rows of others
Believing that I was the problem
The problem was I couldn't see
Never did I realize that it was you

All this time you were the comfort I preferred
The smile I favoured
The green eyes I thought of
And the one I was in love with

I had you behind the tag " best friend"
It's not that I wanted you there
It's just I thought you belonged there
It only felt right that you were there

Then I messed up, and you left
Crushed doesn't even begin to explain it
Breathing became uneasy
Living became unbearable
And when you returned
My lungs were now fulfilled with air
Because without you I couldn't breathe

I had to tell you, so you wouldn't leave again
That's it's always been you
I've always loved just you
That your smile was my favorite
And your green orbs kept up at night

And when I finally let it slip
You sighed in relief
Because all this time you knew
It was you.

Interlude.

What's your favourite colour?"
A question that has lived with me throughout my entire years.
With confidence I said "purple"
They always asked me why. I never really gave them the most appropriate answer. Mainly because when I was young, purple made me feel different. Girls were always expected to love a certain pink, to always follow that order. Purple made me feel superior.
Made me all sorts of different.
Always a good different.

Little did I know.

Purple stains*.

Tomorrow is a day closer to our day.
Everyday is a day closer to ours.

I sit on this wooden chair,
Listening to it creak as my body makes a frontward backward motion.
I stare aimlessly at the road ahead.
Wondering.
Always wondering.

"Annoyed with the World?" she puts her tiny soft hands on my shoulder.
Making me feel the heat radiating from her.
I continue to look forward. Already knowing where she's going at.

"The perks of being an Eccedentist",she whispers.
"The secret of this pain lies deep within but can only be seen by our kind".
I sigh, massaging my temples. Not really feeling the need to hear what more she has to say.
In attempt to run away, I pick my heavy battered body up and start to walk away.
She chuckles light hearted "Running again I guess?"
"How long will you deny these stains? How long will your body handle them? Don't run away. Talk to me"

Her words remind me of a certain everybody. Always telling me that they want to listen.
To comfort me.
But they don't understand, I'm not trying to get pity or supposed heartfelt advice.
I don't want that.

I continue to walk away from her, counting every step that takes me further from her view.

"I am in pain", I whisper to the winds.
"I've got bruises so deep that they have turned into scars. The kind that stains every part of me"
"I want to cry", I slouch my body.
"But what point is it to waste my tears on someone that has put me on hold? Should I really be doing this. Crying so loud for love that existed only for their benefit"
"I'm an instrument of pain", I laugh.
"He is my composer. With each stroke, with each beat. He creates harmonious symphonies that leave the crowd bewildered. He creates a wave of sensual vocals that lead me breathless and in pain"
"People love his work, they love to listen to the beats of my drained heart,  the soft strum of my throaty voice", I sigh.

My body is at halt. I can no longer continue to walk.
With that, I fall heavy on my knees.
Hands on the rough sand.
Head trying to bury itself deeper.
"Everyday is a day closer to ours", I cry.

My body shakes feverishly letting out the pain.
My throat cracks in attempt to let my voice be heard.
My heart shatters even more. My mind flustered and goes black.
My eyes are bloodshot, but no tears.
It's only been a few months but it feels like years.
Holding on to him. To this pain.
I try to get a grip onto the soil but my body fails.
I fall, now laying on the ground.
Whispering, crying to it.
Finally letting someone in.

"I told you, that only I understand you", she crouches and releases a small smile.

She squints her eyes and croaks her head.
"What's your favourite colour? "

I keep quiet. Not from embarrassment but from exhaustion of this cycle. I'm always caught at my worst.
Why must I always be caught.

"No answer", She sighs
"How do you expect to get over this if you don't talk? " she whispers harshly

I sigh, I shut my eyes in hopes for her to disappear.
I can't handle playing to her. For her own comfort that her life is somewhat better than mine.
This instrument, is worn out.

"I'm still here you know. And I'm not trying to save you. I could never do that. I'm not him",I hear
"I just can't watch you break down like this anymore. I don't want you to feel what I felt", she coughs.
"I'm not here for saving. If you refuse to talk of your pain at least let me in on your favourite colour ", she pleads.

"Purple", I murmur

"Just like the colour of your stains",she laughs.

Been a couple of months running high on writers block.
Been searching for my sense of writing, wait. I haven't been doing that.
Been crazy focusing on school and the girl of my dreams.
Been stressing on exams and trying to get my life together.
Been hoping for some sort of light in my writing without trying to force it.

The beginning of my birth month has been a bit of a downfall.
Losing friends that matter and having a couple setbacks with school.
Lost the love of my life got her back but I'm confused.

It's in my best interest to have her  but not in hers to have me.
Should I tell her to do what's right even if it doesn't involve me?

I'm confused and this doesn't make sense I know.
I'm sorry, it's just that I need more than the physical to explain myself

i don't know what it is about me
as i said: I don't quite understand me yet
it's odd, everyone sees something
I see nothing.
I see,
I am looking into this mirror
..an abyss
...empty, cold, untouched
:in a perfect world, I just described myself perfectly.

I think too much
And you stay on my mind
So you know,
i think of you
-the plan was to stargaze the nights away, with you
now, i dont know, im proud, so very proud but shook because it's too soon to fallback and I'm writing this hesistantly because we're different people, i am who i am and this may not be the same to you.

I am flawed
I admit this but that was never the issue
...you were once able to kiss my scars and look at me like i was still perfect  and I could do the same, I would still do the same
...but the realness was just that, too ******* real for you and forever is now too much for you.

So here we go again...
Worrier I am, fighter and a believer
Sucker for all things sweet, forever a believer.

Here we go again, where love is found and lost.
Here we go again, to giving my heart, only to end up broken.
Here we go again, to a heart so naive and hopeful,
Love it seeks , love it thinks it has found.

Here we go again to wondering how long will it take before I look back and ask myself, was my head right?
With the heart still clouded , a vicious cycle it is.
Here we go again, to wishing its forever, knowing very well it could end any time.

Here we go again to me wishing this time it will be different... here we go, as I set myself up.
Here we go again and again, for it will never end, because that's what makes life what it is today.

Here we go again, as I fall and stumble and come out with a lesson learnt and stronger.

Here we go again, allowing myself to love again regardless. I won't stop!

For in this world, my heart has bleed.
Full of scares and still healing.
Questioning my insanity,
Choosing to live and still love.
Love, even when it hurts me most.
For its that hurt, that awakens me.