You haberdashery hauberk harangue of a hornswoggling hiatus .  Your arrogantly delusory blasphemous dementia of odiously ominous diabolically grotesque gives me a decadent distraughtness of desultory debauchery and ghastly gnarly abysmal abjections .  It causes hysterical deliriums of maniacally macabre .  My swashbuckling surreptitious spatiotemporal telemetry tactician is tacitly inured in a phantasmagoria fantastication of fabulist façade fantasias .  I could positively kithe a futurity cudgel phantasm and bonkers bluster boggle with your phrenetically frenzied phrenic and forget my phyletic you preterit rendition autonomy equilibrist .

Clickety-clack
Clickety-clack
Here on the railroad track

Shadows dance around me
Unknown if they are real
Cool fingers touch me
Up my spine sending chills

But I hear nothing except the
Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack
As I walk down
The railroad track

Under a ladder
I have walked
A black cat in front of me did dart
the mirror I was holding
Fell and shattered
Now perches an owl in my path
Beak opening to speak
All I hear is *Clickety-clack

Clickety-clack
Clickety-clack
As I stand now
Upon the railroad track

Bright light in my view
I know what it's of
Horn blares into the night
It's sound envelopes me like a glove

But I am deaf to it
For all I hear is
Clickety-clack
Clickety-clack
As I lay down
On the railroad track

Silence is best
Laying here to rest
The last sound I hear
Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack
                    *my heart, give it back...

This feeling...
Heavy...
Like a wreath bearing down my neck.
Every fibre in me seem to be at loggerheads.

My heart...
Pounding.
Each beat is a hammer
sledging away at my saneness.

My breaths...
Premature and short.
Inconsistent.
I respire full but with punctured lungs.

I saw war machines between the clouds
and while the sky was burning
people on the ground were living carelessly,
ignoring the Apocalypse above.

I saw a madman hysterically laughing and dancing
amongst  people with bleeding smiles
and I, as one of them,
was wandering by the river,
watching, listening,
not knowing if anything was real.

(A stranger took a picture of me
and I felt pretty.)

Then finding myself in the middle of nowhere
I saw demons burning everything I owned
—a poem, a dress, and your picture—
My legs frightened running and running and running
until my body touched the ground.
Breathless, suffocating,
I knew then
that it was the end.

I am breaking my
own heart just to feel something—
anything at all.

♦ Become a friend
♦ Learn her secrets
♦ Swallow her demons by choice
♦ Tell her she is wanted always in all ways
♦ Choose time shared over all else
♦ Pick weakness out of need
♦ Push hard while showing kindness
♦ Sincerity and pain
♦ Wanting all, yet giving nothing
♦ Prove dependability
♦ Turn fear into reality
♦ Use her heart against her, gutting her invisible

And with the final lie that defines a gender
"I want you to always be here"
Turns into a silent, wordless exit

After so many years, It’s time I hold you accountable.

You were never a mother to me
That's why I never referred to you as one
I called you Helen
You were an adult who lived in the same house as me
That's how I saw you
I was numb to you
No feelings
Nothing but terror

I was scared of you
You hated my face
And I feared yours

I don't think I ever loved you  
I never felt warm when I saw you
I felt hostility
I tried to stay out of your way
Dodging your shadow

You never hugged me
You never kissed my boo boos
I never wanted you to

What type of messed up mother-daughter relationship did we have?
You defined our detachment
You made us this way
I obeyed your deranged relationship rules  
You never once told me you loved me
I never knew that word existed until I was older

You *****!
You never played with me
I'm still furious
You were never there
When I needed you
You did nothing a mom was supposed to do
You did not protect me
You did not give me a safe place to live
You beat me
You rejoiced in torture games
You varnished my body
To the ground you stood on
Making me feel less than human
Your mouth detonated bombs inside my ears
Exploding in isolation
I'm still cleaning up the debris it left behind
You neglected me every day
All you cared about was your drugs
Oh, and your men..

I remember you shoving me into the wall
Making an imprint of my body
I looked down to see
Your fingers tightly grasped around my collar
As I stared at your hands
I sadly watched you let go
You let me fall into the hole in the wall
Made by my body
And walked away
Never looking back
So I had to crawl myself out
And sweep the chalky dust off
A ghost lost in existence

I hate that I am angry right now
My heart is racing
Not hurting, just racing
I am closing my eyes in disgust
That’s what I feel for you
You left me for dead so many times
Begging for the ****
To end my suffering
But I always woke up
Fighting for my life in your hell

You were filled with poison and illness
I hate that I come from evil
I hate that you gave birth to me
I hate that I was dependent on you
I hate everything about you

I was just a kid
Small and scared...
Did you ever truly look into my scared eyes?
Eyes begging for your love
Did you ever stop to think?
What you were doing to me
Why didn’t you stop?
Why were you so twisted?

Guilt haunts me...
Where the **** was your guilt
If I come from you
Why am I so sensitive?
Guilt ridden?
Aware of basic principles ~ right and wrong
Where were your principles?
I don’t know....................

How did you get away with it for so many years?
I was left to fend for myself
I was starving
The pain in my stomach
The embarrassment of being so small
Broken bones...
Shattered heart
Why didn't you hold me?
Just once

You always told me I was your least favorite
The ugliest
I believed you
I couldn't look in the mirror without hating my flaws
Even when I was older
I didn’t look for my reflection
Especially if someone else was looking in the same mirror
I would notice all their beautiful features
Heightening the ugliness in my face
I would compare their faces to my hideous one
You manipulated me
Mind-****** me into seeing a beastly image
I still sometimes struggle with this
Despite how beautiful people say I am
I make an effort to believe them
But I do wonder and question it

You hid in your room
Only came out to hurt me
You tortured me like a prisoner of war
Knocking me out
Left me in a puddle of blood
Asked me to clean my mess
When I woke up confused
Blood lingered in my mouth
Swallowing  
Instead of rejecting
It happened so often
I got used to *drinking it
Grew to like the taste
Biting and chewing on the insides of my mouth
Until I tasted blood
Became my daily routine

You kicked in my ribs
Kept me up for nights
You threw me around like a rag doll
But I wasn’t your only target
I watched you assault my little sister
Trying to defend her
Getting your anger directed towards me
Sometimes it worked
But sometimes…
I had to helplessly squint in pain
As you beat the **** of her

Why were you filled with such anger?  
Hatred in your soul-less eyes
Smiling in my suffering
The satisfaction you had every time you hit me

You thought my boyfriend was cute
So you decided to take him
You wanted to make sure I had nothing
You never got me a birthday cake
Or even acknowledged my birthday
I had to sneak into your wallet
To find my Medicare card
To know when my birthday was

You never did anything nice for me
Except once
One pathetic time
I have one nice memory of you
That’s on you

Sometimes…
I think of an alternate ending for you
I wonder how life would be for you and me
If you were still alive
Would you have cleaned up your act?
Made an effort to be a mother?
Would I forgive you
If you changed into a kinder, caring person
I’m still not sure
A part of me hopes I would
While another part of me hopes
I would have disowned you
I didn’t forgive my father
I am happy he isn’t in my life
So I most likely would have done the same to you

I escaped you at the age of fourteen
You died when I was sixteen
You were ***** and beaten to death
How brutal is that
Was that karma?
No way!
No one deserves to die that way
I hate that you died that way
I went to your funeral
It was surreal.
My momster was gone
Forever

I guess I should say thank you
For teaching me four important life lessons

You taught me how be to independent
Which helped in my success  

You taught me about the destructive pitiful life of drugs
Which helped me stay away in my weakest moments

You taught me to hate a life of poverty
Which helped me pursue an education

You taught me about the effects of child abuse and neglect
Which helped me gain empathy for others

You always told me I was nothing....
Ask anyone in my life today
They will tell you the exact opposite
I AM your perfect contrast
You were nothing!!!!
Not me
I made something of myself
Trying to prove you wrong
Your belief that I was a loser
A nobody
A worthless dumb-***
The right push
I needed to rise above your abuse
Driving me to succeed

Thank you for never believing in me
Turns out
I didn't need you after all
You did not raise me
I raised myself
I taught myself
You didn't break me
You made me stronger

© Jl 2016

Sat on a bench
Reading a book
A shadow appears
So I take a look.....

There in my face
Without any shame
Stood a man in a coat
Without a name
Clasped in his hand
His **** - stood up tall
A look on his face
That said it all

"You're on your own
So I'll ruin your day
By showing my ****"
What's left to say?!
His sweaty palm
Moving so fast
Stroking his ego
Rubbing his shaft

'For ***** sake' I cried
Standing to leave
'Put it away!'
Quite tame I believe
For now what I wish
Is I'd taken a shot
A swift kick or a swipe
To show him who's boss

If I'd had a ***
I'd have taken stock
And stubbed it quite calmly
On the end of his ****!!
Alas all I did
Was walk away
And ring the police
Then got on with my day!

(C) Pixievic