---

If you read my last post you
know that I was in a relationship
which has ended. I was devastated.
I have been writing about how
depressed I have been.

That was before I watched a YouTube video of a sermon given by
Bill Johnson. It was about resting and
abiding in God. After viewing this i went outside onto my porch and talked to God. Never before had HIS LOVE for me been so palpable.
Or His voice so clear.

My dear friends. He has a plan and purpose for everything that happens to us. We are being systematically tried and purified to be inspired and blessed to have HIM in our hearts and minds. Our very lives are at stake.

Events will be taking place that will try our very SOUL. We MUST be prepared! We must be very strong to survive. Not only physically. But our souls must be prepared as well.

The devil has been sitting on me.
He's a fire that has been heating up my mettle. He has been pounding me. With doubt. Denial. And DECEIT. Telling me that I am not good enough. That I am bipolar and will never get better. But I am a sleeping giant! Not in myself. Never that. But the God I serve is awesome beyond comprehension!

These are things I have done with him working through me.

A woman with double phnemonia, strep throat and "incurable" bronchitis brought on by asthma
was healed overnight.

A woman with chronic depression was healed as I watched her start to giggle then LAUGH OUT LOUD! Holy laughter seemed to bubble up in her and she was healed!

My dad (who says he is an atheist) was cured of cancer. He's been cancer free for six years!

I've said the prayer of Salvation with a man who was a "Devil's Disciple".
A notorious motor cycle gang. He had killed three people. I saw him change before my eyes as the demons left him! He nearly fell off his chair. And this hardened man wept in my arms for 10 minutes afterwards.

The list goes on. NOT ANYTHING THAT I DID... EXCEPT I WAS TOTALLY SOLD OUT TO GOD AND ALLOWED HIM TO WORK THROUGH ME!

My name is Catherine Jarvis. I'm a SoulSurvivor. *And VICTORIOUS!!!

Deep down I know this won't make me love you.

This hurts but I swear this is what I needed.

The future is a portal,
invisibly outlined,
through which time rushes
like a flooded river
sweeping on its torrent
the flotsam of our lives
and the years
swallow themselves
and disappear
forever into forever.

  ~ mce

Silent now the television
Silent now the telephone
Silently I sit here,
Silent and alone.

I’m not sure why the poems
Are much harder now to write
Not sure why the sleep
Comes harder every night
Not sure if all the trials in life
Are harder now to take
I’m not sure that when the morning comes
That I will even wake.

If I was asked to take a risk
Not sure that I would dare
I’m not sure if I was dying
Anyone would care
Not sure that Heaven waits for me
Behind the pure white Pearly Gate
If I asked for fifteen minutes more
Not sure the Reaper-man would wait.

I’m not sure if my mistakes in life
Outweigh any good
Not even sure that honestly
I’ve done the best I could
Not sure when folks remember me
If they will grimace, or they’ll grin
Not sure official scorekeepers
Would vote my life a win.

Not sure if I have lived before
Not sure if there’s a second chance
Not even sure with lessons
I could learn to dance this dance
The world makes me dizzy
The carousel spins too fast.
Not sure my horse could win the derby
The brass ring might have already passed.
But I'm not sure.

Silently I sit here.

PwL 6/16/15

After everything I still believe in true love
I may be damaged but I remain strong, unbroken
Tepid winds have blown change into my life
Resurrected a winter heart, blossoming into spring
I miss the autumn though, the in between
When I was focusing so closely on the veins of leaves
Pieces of myself came into view that before were blurry
I know now that was being truly awake, alive, feeling it
Summer was but a dream then
Even further now due to my own coping choices
Drowning my sorrows was useless
Getting so high I could touch clouds did no good
I must feel it to heal it
Now I hurt, let it wash over and suffocate these little lungs
That used to hold the North Wind
Years later, the aftermath of near annihilation
I am sore, bruised, ravaged
Seams have changed
No longer just ragged edges
Somewhere between giving up and giving in
Hopeful (please)
Each morning I pull myself from the safety of sleep
Knowing that even there I am not completely out of reach
Nightmares bring you to me angry, lost or in pain
Bless me from time to time with smiles and warmth
Back from the dead or having never left
I wake up wet with tears of longing
Why did this all happen?
Could never be answered with a sentence or a word
It is what it is
This is what I live with
I have to feel it
To heal it

One canst tell another
I loveth thou ( sooo much)
Yet love from thy heart
And love from thine soul are two different things,
Because see as god taught
The heart knows not what it wants
The heart can lie to one
To us
So we must trust ourn souls love
And if thy soul tells thou that thou loves one
That is truest love!!!!

Maby one just asketh to much of one
Or Maby tis the other who gives to little!!!
Either way
Unhappiness one shalt feel!!!