I am so numb again
I am so numb and it scares me
It scares me because when i am numb, it means i am losing me
I am losing myself in the absence of feelings
I am losing the capability to be myself
It scares me because i do not want to be anyone else
I am left alone in my thoughts
I am left praying i can hold on
It scares me because i fear one day i will not be able to hold on
I am tired of reaching for someone who is not there
I am tired of feeling as if i have no one to rely on
It scares me because i do not handle loneliness well
I am searching for a familiar face
I am searching for a sign that i am still present
It scares me because what if i do not find me
I am not sure who i am during my depressed days
I am not sure if i like who i am during my depressed days
It scares me because if i don’t like me, then who will?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.

He is the sun
I am the moon
I die for him to shine
He falls for me to rise
The world greets him with warmth
I am forgotten in the darkness
He shines brighter than anything
I am always hidden
We will never meet
The world is between us
But it keeps moving
And he keeps shining
Regardless if I’m there
Or not.

He loved her.
She hated him.
He took her thoughts
She was a pawn
He pulled the trigger.
She bled.

Feelings are stupid.
She intended to live her whole cynical life without them.
Until he came along.
And she felt.

Tick Tick Tick
How much longer?
Tick Tick Tick*
I see the sparks dash
Tick Tick Tick
Come back and disable this
Tick Tick Tick
Will you burn with me?
Tick Tick Tick
Our destiny lays at the end of the fuse
Tick Tick Tick
Run for cover
Tick Tick Tick
Leave me to explode
Tick Tick Tick
Save yourself
Three
Wait a minute...
Two
Save me too
**One.

When he took me away I was scared
13 years old with a growing mind and future ahead to jump into
Little by little he took that away
He painted my walls grey
He muffled my cries for help
He tied me in chains
He drained the beauty out of each day
I didn’t deserve to have it
15 years old with a permanent affliction of entrapment
The bleak environment I bred in devoured me
He stole the escapes in my dreams
He kissed his palm before slapping my cheek
He called me beautiful as I lay on the bathroom floor
He patched up the cuts from his sharp grasp
I began to think I didn’t deserve to have him
17 years old things have shifted in our four walls
He holds me when life drowns the person I have become
He walks with me into wars with others who don’t understand
He calms my irrational fears through a glance
He has made me love him for the years we spent together
When he took me away I was scared
But things have changed
And now I’ve fallen for him.




Stock·holm Syn·drome
noun
def./ feelings of trust or affection felt in certain cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor.

I am 13 years old.
He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Intriguing
Dangerous
Enticing
I take his hand and he holds it tight
I want to be just like him
I am 14 years old
He’s the most confusing thing I’ve ever known
Unsustainable
Irascible
Addicting
I cling to him at the table and in the dim light of the bathroom
I want him to stay by my side
I am 15 years old
He’s the most constant thing in my life
Reliable
Suffocating
Destructive
I walk on eggshells around his demands
I want him to take a few steps back so I can breathe
I am 16
He’s the most terrifying thing
Notorious
Manipulative
Deceitful
I scream for silence in the dead of night
I thrash to break free from his grip
I am 17
He’s apart of me now
Dramatic
Abnormal
Crux
I wear him like a ball and chain
I want to be free
I just want to be free.

I’ve got nothing to do
but carry on a life without you
I’ve got nothing to say
that could give you a reason to stay
I’ve got nothing to write
that differs from my melancholy thoughts from night
I’ve got nothing left
because everything left when you did

we collided
but where were the sparks
where was the extraordinary explosion
where was the passion
where was the focus of my daydream
where were you
were you in the taste of cigarettes
were you in the darkness of the night sky
were you in the breath transferred into me
where was I
was I in the blur of my vision
was I the distant beat of the music
was I in the smoke lingering on my tongue
we collided
or did we just crash?

We are the ocean
You are the serene morning waves
I am the choppy midnight tides
We are the trees
You are the sturdy branches
I am the weak withered leaves
We are the sun
You are the light illuminating every corner of the Earth
I am the rays scorching those in my way
We are the stars
You are the shining dime of the night sky
I am the self-destructing explosion in the dark
We are the music
You are the pulsing strength of the beat
I am the forgotten lyrics lost in the melody
We are each other
You are the best part of me
And I am the worst part of you.

My heart
Cracked at the corners
Freehand stitches attempting to hold it together
Whispering your name through the beats
Your heart*
Rich shades of crimson
Never broken and never needing to be fixed
Each strong pounding keeps you alive
Our hearts
Complete opposites
Weak leaning against strength
Dark looking to light
Our veins are ******* in each other like two ships
Leading back to us
*Two hearts in one

I wish I could say I understood
But I don’t
I wish I could know what runs through your head as you lie awake at 4am
But I don’t
I wish I could listen to your voice one last time before you keep quiet forever
But I can’t
I wish I could hold your hand tightly to keep you from leaving me
But I can’t
I wish I knew why you left me
But I never will

It’s Monday
I’m waking up without you
Rain is falling almost as hard as my tears
It’s Tuesday
I’m dragging myself out of bed with a heavy head and heavier heart
The glow from the outside is more harsh than uplifting
It’s Wednesday
I’m halfway between feeling everything and nothing
Birds chirping outside my window make it hard for the silence to get to me
It’s Thursday
I’m calling a cab to take me home from a night trying to forget what’s engraved in my mind
Stars in the sky are reminding me of your eyes
It’s Friday
I’m in my room confined to four bare walls
Breeze from the windows nearly freeze my body
It’s Saturday
I’m ignoring the calls and any efforts of communication
Dark clouds block the sun once more
It’s Sunday
I’m awake at 4am thinking about how you’re probably not dreaming of me
Rain is falling again, but my tears have dried.

No
[noh]
adverb
def./ a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question, action, or request.


I said it.
Over and over when I saw the drawings and heard their words.
I choked it out.
In a bathroom stall as tears ran down my cheeks
They didn’t hear.

I screamed it.
In my head when he held me against him
I whispered it.
Out loud when he touched me in a way i didn’t want.
He didn’t hear.

I cried it.
In agonizing pain as he stood in my room.
I pushed it out of my lips from the depths of my hurt with my voice shaking yet strong
It wasn’t strong enough
He didn’t understand.

I lied it.
When the doctors asked me if I wanted to die.
I murmured it in the ice cold room pulling my sleeves so my scars didn’t show.
I just wanted to go home but home wasn’t the blue house on 69th terrace
I didn’t understand

I sobbed it.
Into my pillow at 3am when it trapped me in it’s death grip at last.
Her voice had become louder than mine
And I can’t say it anymore.
No one listens.



-o.g