I feel like I'm searching for someone,
Who doesn't exist,
Or just the idea of love itself.
In everyone that I meet,
But deep down, I know,
It is not what I see.
It hasn't hit me yet.

Every time I tried to write you a letter,
The only words I could muster up was full of hatred,
Questioning our idea of “forever”
And who fell harder.

They said not to ask anymore questions,
Because it'll make me look weak.
If you love someone,
To set him free.

But does that mean,
To let myself caged in?
4 months later,
I'm the one still suffering.
Swore to myself to never let anyone in.
Bruised and beat up,
You still haunt me.

Ive been trying to fix the silence
With so many guys,
Thinking that maybe I like this guy,
Over two texts "hi",
Those who don't even recall my face,
Or where is that mole,
On which side of my face.
Ive been trying to fix the silence,
Going out and trying to wander,
Reading books and avoiding the broken hearted,
Ive been trying to fix the silence,
Even going to church and believing in all wonders,
maybe those who have passed on alone,
Have died waiting on that special person.
and no one ever made past their barriers.
We're all just made to fall in love with that silence.

Another one walks away,
After promising so many things,
One of them was to stay.
Why am I surprised anyway.

I still remember the first time I ever met you,
I still remember where we were,
I still remember we were right beside each other,
I still remember the way you talked,
I still remember your first girlfriend and the way you used to be around her,
I still remember wishing it was me and not her.
I still remember our inside jokes, and how bad they were,
I still remember the first night we spoke on the phone,
I still remember telling myself to get it together,
I still remember how close we got, 3 years later.
I still remember your sense of humour, and your love to make everyone around you happy,
I still remember how quiet you can get whilst you were thinking,
I still remember the first time we hugged, and how awkward it was,
I still remember the time you came to the airport to say goodbye,
I still remember you telling me how you felt about me, a year later,
I still remember getting annoyed because our times didn’t work together,
I still remember that night that you asked me to be your girlfriend,
I still remember the goosebumps that I felt when I said yes,
I still remember the excitement I feel whenever I get a text,
I still remember the frustrations we felt as the seas put our love to the test,
I still remember the disbelief I felt as I finally flew back and I saw you again,
I still remember the first time you held my hand,
I still remember my fingers memorising your face,
I still remember how you made me feel,
I still remember the way you kissed my shoulders,
I still remember the way you loved me,
I still remember your friends telling me how I made you feel,
I still remember how they told me you were always missing me,
I still remember the way your eyes looked as they stared at me,
I still remember how that made me feel,
I still remember how I cried as I looked at your picture in the plane, the second time we said goodbye
I still remember how our love died, as time passed
I still remember the way our calls got shorter
I still remember how your reasons got longer
I still remember crying over you, no longer of joy, but of pain
I still remember asking the Lord, what is there left to gain
I still remember you giving up,
I still remember my heart breaking,
I still remember demanding you, is this all what you’ve got?
I still remember the last time we said goodbye.
I still remember the nights that made me cry,
I still remember writing it all down as my emotions died,
I still remember all of this a year later,
I still remember how in love our love made me feel.
I still remember how I wished those heartaches were never real.

I remember the first day I saw you,
This was just a year ago,
I remember it oh so clearly.

I couldn't sleep the night before,
Finally,
We were in the same place.
Under the same sky.

I told my friends the next morning,
"Gosh, I've never sweated this much."
They giggled,
and thought I was kidding,
But I did not lie.

I stared into the distance,
There you were.
Wow, I thought.
You were real.
Gone, were our laptops.
The sight of you behind the screens.
And the ambience of our lowly lit rooms.
You were just within arms reach.

I hid behind my friends,
As we walked in a line.
"Shh, stay down," they whispered as we got closer.
I giggled, my head feeling light,
Is this how falling in love felt like?

Your jaw dropped as you saw me,
I felt like a little girl as you came running towards me,
Took me in your arms and spun me,
"I thought you were at your friends for the weekend!
How did I not see this coming?!"

This bittersweet memory just broke me,
A year later none of us saw this separation coming.

We always joked about,
How you were my Alex,
I was your Rosie.
We said everything about that movie,
Depicted you and me.

Not realising what I was doing,
I had your number on speed dial,
‘What do I even say if he picks up?’
It had been months,
I think even more than a year,
What was I thinking?

I had everything I wanted to say all planned out,
Your voice rose up from the other end,
The world stood still for a minute.
'Hello?' you said.

A wave of emotions washed over me,
I could not put a word to those feelings.
That sense of comfort,
and familiarity.
Something that I missed,
I had forgotten all about it.

We didn’t have much to say,
but that was okay.
It was a comfortable sort of silence,
Just us both,
existing at this very moment.

I miss you too, Alex.

I never got to say it

"I'm falling for you,"
He whispered to my ears.
My heart skipped a beat.
What is this that I'm feeling.
Was this how moving on is supposed to be?
why couldn't I shake off these feelings of wary?

"Why?" I asked.
He sighed,
"Its the way you love life,
The way we say goodbye each night,
You don't see it,
But this possibility of us,
Sends me sky high."    

My father always warned me,
If he was the right one,
And he was for real,
He'll be willing to wait for me,
So just friends for now,
Is what we have to be.

I could never forget it.
That night that we ended this.
This thing I called amazing.
Why did you leave me?

Up till today,
It never made sense to me.
We blame it on my parents,
On religion,
Things we couldn't grasp,
Issues that an end could never reach.
Was it really that?
Or were you just tired of me?
  
Now I see you moving on,
Speaking to girls,
The kinds I will never be.
I hope you're finally happy.

4 months, 121 days, 2904 hours, 10454400 seconds later,
I still think of you.

When I'm on the train, and I look into the skies, I remember how I longed to be amongst them, because that meant I would be nearer to you.

Do you remember that night,
When it was just us two, running into the woods, late at night,
The way your lips took my breathe away,
My hands would tremble as they memorized your face,
This moment, I told myself,
made up for all the gray days.

I could still feel the way the whole world stood still for a minute,
As you kissed those 3 words onto my skin,
I swear I couldn't believe it.

4 months, 121 days, 2904 hours, 10454400 seconds later,
I still havent forgotten about it.

Someone asked me,
What ever did I see in him,
"He broke your heart,
Left you in two.
He has probably moved on by now,
It's time to focus on you."

I thought to myself,
"Well it's the way his eyes light up when I turn on the screen,
Or the way he sings me to sleep,
As the night pass,
And dawn comes on.

None of you could ever see it,
But I knew deep down,
Somewhere in there,
He did love me.
I don't need to prove it."

You used to be my muse,
For my masterpiece,
Now you're the sweet broken tune,
I sing,
as I fall asleep.

A few weeks ago,
My nine year old sister said to me,
"I don't like boys at all."
Great, I say.
Never ever let any of them mess up your day.

Just last night,
She told everyone in the family,
"Mom and Dad, a boy in my class likes me."
".....And I kinda like him too," she added quietly.

Young love,
It was just that easy.
A boy meets girl,
Everything will fall into place.
...just where it needs to be.