I am a runner.
I run from the truth,
I run from the lies.
I run from possibilities,
I run towards my demise.
I run from the chances,
I run from any and all.
I run from my pain,
I run from happiness...
I just hope that I can keep
From running from you.
I am a runner...
In the past that's all I knew,
Now I have a chance at staying too.

I've always been a runner it's true;
But maybe I can be a fighter too.

Scratch scratch,
Itch itch,
The shadow creatures aren't my friends.
"Pull at your skin" they mutter,
"You have demons within."
"Scratch away and banish them."
Scratch scratch,
Itch itch,
The shadow creatures are back again.
"They reside behind your eyes,
Ya better scratch away and banish them."
Scratch scratch,
Itch itch,
They're back and I can't hide;
For they're in my head you see,
So there is no escape for me.
"Better do as your told or else...
You think we're scary now?"
They all laugh at the pain I am in.
Scratch scratch,
Itch itch,
They stole my body; I'm captive within.
Scratch scratch,
Itch itch,
Scratch scratch,
Itch itch,
Scratch scratch,
Itch itch.

You can't repair her heart for it is too far broken,
You can't take back words that were never spoken,
You wish like hell you could change the past,
But your ****** up relationship just wouldn't last,
And now you search for yourself in the bottom of a whiskey bottle,
And you busy your mind to keep from slamming into a wall at full throttle.

Welcome to your existence after breaking such a beautiful spirit,
For making her hate love you are hereby sentenced to fear it.
So tell me dearie was it all worth it?
The mind games, sly words, and *******.
Did you have enough fun while breaking such a kind heart?
Did you laugh as she peeled back her skin; painted with the blood within and called it art,
While she handed you her heart time and time again,
Only to watch you trample it yet keep it on a ******* chain...
So that she may never wander too far,
Did you enjoy ******* that girl's brain?



Was it really ******* worth it in the end?
I hope it was because now you can never make amends.
Enjoy your life long sentence of fearing love...
Since she's now forced to simply hate the idea of it.

I'm overwhelmed that much is true,
I'm overwhelmed by missing you.
It ***** not being able to see you,
It hurts when I don't hear your voice,
I worry when I don't get a text,
And at night I'm alone and afraid.
I've grown too close to you, ya see?
I poured my heart and soul into us,
And now what's left of me is fragments,
Because us became me....and you.
I became stressed and lonely,
And you grew to be more distant;

Love isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I know in my heart this to be true,
A piece of me will always want you.
And now we attempt separate paths,
And I fear my happiness will never last.
This is how our story must end,
We were better as just friends.
I am overwhelmed that much is true,
For I desired a fairytale ending,
Instead I was met with the end of us.
I miss you,
I want you,
I need you,
I love you.
I miss you.
I miss you.  
I want you,
I need you,
I miss you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

I still love you.

I start the day early,
And I end it late.
"Out for five"
Means I'm out for eight.
My soul is weeping,
And my body aches.
I have no energy,
To deal with this stupidity,
I need a ****** break.
Vacation denied,
Another bottle of wine,
Cigarettes to fill my time.
Nicotine is my diet,
And I'll sleep when I'm dead.
"This is the life you've chosen,"
Well now my spirit's broken,
And I want a bullet in my head.
I'm too proud to crawl home,
But I long for my comfort zone.
Where does one turn when blind,
War is raging within my mind,
"Quit and go home dearie,"
But maybe I'll stay and go mad instead,
Or maybe I'll just end up dead.
Time clock, login, password, clock in...
The mind numbing cycle continues,
And now I'm too far in to quit.
**** it....pull the ******* trigger,
This working girl lost to something bigger.

Tear stains are etched along my face,
I cried the day that I packed my s* and I walked away.
Tear stains are etched along my face when I think about you and think about all of the hell you put me through,
and how I called it love when you always pushed me away...
but when it's good it's great right?
that's what I thought anyways but the whole time you were just playing games. The whole **** time you were just playing games...but I remember how you didn't want to hurt me...and you hurt me everytime you called this a thing and then you denied it to your friends and family.
You hurt me everytime we had serious conversations about a future we would NEVER have because you had no intentions of ever having me in your future.
You hurt me every single f*ing time.
Tear stains are still etched along my face when I think about the fact I made that decision for you.
You had no right to that decision at all especially given the fact that you had no intentions of being around in my life in the future,
Why the hell did I let you make such a big decision for my future,
When it's my life that I changed FOREVER by saying yes, I'll get it done.
I gave up my right to decide because I thought you loved me and I thought that was right.
I thought I'd be alone in this and I was right but not in the sense that I initially believed; I'm alone in feeling so broken up inside every day and every night...will I ever be alright?--- wait this isn't about me this is about you.
Tears are still etched gracefully along my cheeks as I say thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what love isn't,
for helping me to understand what it can be.
Thank you for caring about me...you did care otherwise you wouldn't have been there after we did what we did.
You cuddled me and coddled me for many nights so thank you for caring.
Thank you for letting me go,
thank you for not putting up a fight for the us that would never be; that we would never see.
Thank you for not holding me back in life by making me think that maybe this could turn out right.
Thank you for letting me be me without You and you without me.
We weren't good for each other now I see, So thank you.
Tears are etched along my face... but ****...I look happy today.

And the truth flows free,
And the numbness fades,
And you're left in a daze,
And the pain hits again,
And the feelings you felt...
Well they remain the same.
And you hate yourself,
For feeling anything at all,
For a person who let you fall.
And the hearbeat falters,
And the tears glide freely,
And the fear comes back again.
And the brain goes crazy,
With the self doubting ways,
And ya feel like ya might implode.
Well those are the days...
Those are the moments,
To remember who you are.
Those feelings don't define you,
Nor should they confine you.

And the feelings subside,
And ya pick yourself up...
One broken piece at a time.
And you are now smiling,
And you truly laugh again...
And you find yourself once more,
Well those are the days...
Those are the moments...
That I truly adore.

And I swear to you...
In that moment it was only you and I.
We were the only humans left,
Although it meant we were all alone,
I didn't mind it very much at all.
For in that exact moment my dear,
All the others need not exist.  
That my sweet prince,
Is what your presence does to me.
You make everyone else disappear
And you make everything seem okay.

Now if only it were more than a dream,
For you and I will never again be "we."

What is life without loss?
Love without suffering?
Laughter without tears?

So many emotions for one night,
I'm screaming out for help to fight...
I just want a ******* middleground.

Drink a little drink and say a prayer,
Throw some salt into the air...
Anything to escape the hell I'm in.

How do you turn your life around?
I've got so much **** to figure out.
How do I feel joy...yet want to die?

Take the meds they put ya on,
Only to become a shell of yourself.
Gotta figure this **** out...

Good luck...here comes mania.

Can't stop now...dance, sing, sketch,
Run, swing...build a ****** tree house,
Rinse, wash, & repeat until depressed.

Looks like depression's back at it again

Scratch your eyes or slash your wrists,
Looks like you're all ****** up again,
Take your pill and be someone else.

"Welcome to hell, we hope you enjoy your stay. We'll make you feel insane every step of the way until you finally snap...
And just like your sanity,
Your neck shall snap too."
The demons chant in your mind.


This is what it's like to be me at 2 o'clock in the morning...
Welcome to the hell of bipolar disorder...

We hope you enjoy your stay,
It's a lifelong adventure.

In the moment I wanted to say I hate you.
In the moment I wanted to punch you in the gut,
For it felt as if you had just done that to me.
In the moment I wanted to scream out to show the pain that I was feeling.
In the moment I wanted to rip your heart out and feed it to you...
And yet...

In the moment I laughed,
Put on a brave face,
And said "that didn't hurt...
The way I imagined it would."

In the moment I was right...
In the moment you broke up with me,
I was blissfully numb.

I curled up in bed and breathed a sigh of relief;
And in that moment I began to cry so violently that my lungs wanted to escape,
I begged the tears to stop,
And they kept rolling anyways...
And I looked at places for rent;
In that moment...I was broken.

In the next moment I rebuilt the wall that used to linger around my heart before you claimed it.

I want to disappear into the night,
Skip out and learn to fly,
Run away from all of this pain.
He is preparing me to walk away,
And they might be splitting up.
She is having nightmares nightly,
And he's to be buried in a few days.
I'm playing superhero to all,
With no one to catch me as I fall.
Where do I go when I don't wanna feel?
Who do I talk to when all I do is cry?
Where do you turn when you want to die?

I'm broken inside.

Death come quickly,
I followed your rules;
I slit my wrists,
Downed the pills,
And wrote a note.
Death come quickly,
I'm in pain now...
I feel sick to my stomach,
My pet's are worried,  
And I have yet to bleed out.
Death come quickly,
For I am violently vomiting,
Writhing in pain on the floor,
Wishing like hell for my end,
And crying my eyes out.

Death come quickly...
For I need you my friend.

Sweet little bundle of joy,
You are my beloved furbaby.

Sweet kitty naps and kitty kisses,
Sweet little cuddles sessions and kitty baths.
You comfort me when I'm feeling down,
And you love me when when I'm ******,
Sweet little bundle of joy,
You are my beloved furbaby.
I rescued you like you rescued me,
And I can't imagine life without you.
I cherish our cuddles and our naps,
Your tummy rubs and a good scratch.
Sweet little bundle of joy,
You are mybeloved furbaby.
My reason to smile each day...
And I'll never repay you for that,
Though I'll try my very best,
To be the best human you could have,
My sweet little bundle of joy...
My beloved furbaby.

And she smiled the same smile,
And she cried the same tears,
She batted the same eyelashes,
And she feared the same fears.
As much as she had changed,
It was as if time had stood still.
And she remained the same
Light haired, spunky, green eyed
Girl that she was entering the world.
As much pain as she endured,
Her sorrows had finally been cured,
And it was then and only then,
That time chose to start again.

With the holidays around the corner,
I feel your presence even more.
I saw an angel in a store yesterday,
And almost bought it as a gift for you.
I catch myself talking about you...
As if you were still around today.
With the holidays around the corner,
It's harder to supress the pain.
You were my friend above all else,
I could call on you always.
We spoke often on the phone,
And we checked up on Facebook...
With the holidays around the corner,
I find myself missing you even more.

He hasn't laughed since you passed...
Nor has he smiled since then.
With the holidays around the corner...
I wonder how hard this is on him.
All I know is my heart hurts now,
And I don't know how to fix it.

I really ****** miss you Nanny...
And I don't think I'll be the same again

Please don't tell me I'll be a great mom someday,
I will never know that fate.
I gave up that right when I gave up their lives,
And now the mere thought of it makes me sick.
I had mixed emotions when I peed on the stick,
But this fairytale has a sick twist;
You see the prince couldn't see himself tied down with this particular lady,
And the princess' love made her brain go hazy.
She made decisions where she couldn't possibly know what the outcome would be,
And now her pain is left for everyone around to see.

So please please please don't tell me what a great mother I would be...
because you will never see exactly what that does to me.

"We had no idea she felt that way,"
"I wish I could have told her to stay,"
"She was so pretty...what a shame."
These are the things you're taught to say...
when someone you hardly knew ends their life.
But is that in fact all we can do?
Post about them after pulling the trigger,
Teach them that sadness is meant to hide,
But if killing oneself is the way to go,
Then sadness grew to be so much bigger.
You see...we don't talk about depression,
yet wonder about all the aggression,
And we give our youth misdirection,
Every time we stifle their pain.

And then someone pops some pills,
Or slits their wrists and we're concerned.
Where were we when they cried for help?
Where the hell were we when they cried for help?

We weren't concerned because we didn't take them seriously,
"Everyone gets sad but it gets better"
Is all we said.
And we turned our backs as if it was no big deal...
And now they're dead.

Arguing until 1am and ******* til 3am.
When did we decide this was healthy?
How the **** did this become our norm?
Two chaotic hearts colliding together,
Chipping away at each other slowly.
We rip into each other constantly...
And we call this **** love?
It's an unhealthy connection...
We need a better definition...
A manual on healthy interactions...
Because this just doesn't make the cut.


If this is love then count me out,
Because I don't need help ripping myself apart bit by ******* bit...
I do it well enough on my own thanks.

When I close my eyes I remember...
I remember your gentle touch,
Your passion filled kisses,
The way you smile when you win.
I think of the time you called me special,
And the time you said you loved me...
And how it took no prodding from me.
When I close my eyes I remember it all;
How you held me each time I cried,
How you promised me that I'd be okay,
And how you told me that you would stay.
When I close my eyes I think of you,
I think of our first time hanging out,
I think of my nerves on our first date,
I think of the butterfly kisses we shared.
I think of my failed attempts at cooking too.
When I close my eyes I think of you...

And I hope you think of me too.