6/21/2018

The night is alive with possibility
The suspense is killing me
Lightning strikes a pose
And thunder comes to me
deeply
Seeping through atmosphere
Home is here
Home is where a gaze holds you safe and a shoulder keeps you steadfast
Cognitive dissonance
I cannot live with this policy ripping through my arteries, this image won’t stop coming to me
A 9-months old baby
In an orange jumpsuit
In a cage in a city
Unclaimed, unwritten, undocumented, unforgiven for the sins of colonialism
Unforgivable
Where were you when ****** branded the Jews?
Then you are accountable too

Boys will be boys, will be men, will destroy
Will take and take what you create
Will shame you if you deviate
Will make the rules they proceed to break
And after every encounter, you're a little more shaken
A little more autonomy from you has been taken

You rack your brain to find the words to demonstrate just how it hurts
Time passes - and the moment is gone
They were staring at your ***, and you know it was wrong
You know you don't belong
You are an object for observation
But that's a whole different song

So does it make it any better when you play along?
Are you simply playing victim in a manmade system?
A child of the Fight, how do you extract from that mode?
In a world full of players, you let yourself be taken
How is it that you manage to let the simple words break in?
The glass ceiling is surprisingly sharp
And the burden on your back gets heavier as you approach
The child in the closet didn't make it this far

There's a fine line between honoring your wounds and hiding in the dark
This is the line I walk every day
On one side, victim and healer, I tend to my wounds
The other lives in reality and makes the right moves
But duality is a falsity
Of course one can't be two
And the structure I see in the world I perceive brings out the fight
**** the patriarchy
**** the Right
They're not right
Their vision is just limited

There are so many issues I wish to address
If I cry through the fight, does that make it worth any less?
Does my brokenness somehow discount the rest?
The weight of my burdens change by the day
And yes, victimhood is the easiest way
May I be the last to place blame
This glass house holds no shame
And if you won't throw the stones at the broken and stuck
Pass them around and throw them straight up
Let's all make the ceiling shatter and fall
And watch now as the shards rain down
And this can happen when we're all ready to be active
And act as protagonists in our own play
So **** the patriarchy, but do it in your own time, and in your own way

9/2/2017

Sure, i was young and stupid
Its a good excuse its not nice to think you would make the same mistake twice
Im older now, more wise
At least, thats the narrative i live by
I wont be stupid again like that time
I wont misjudge a snake for a vine
I wont get bit, i wont cry
My boundaries stand high
Noone unworthy gets by
So dont even try

I will find good people, make good love
No more stupid mistakes, no more fuckups
My old self was sweet but messed up
Im stronger now, better at coping with stress
Less *******, more truth

But is that really how you wanna feel about the younger you?
The one that made it through?
The little kid that stood up time and again
When depression exacerbated everything she felt?
Who made it through her own hell?
Well, maybe its healthier to belittle her than to feel helpless
But know that she was glorious herself and
She was wise and well equipped
To cope with reality's *******
She survived the hellish
Stayed vulnerable, wasnt selfish
Hell, if thats what you wanna trivialize, be my guest
But just remember to say thank you
Because if you are better, its because she was the best

9/17/17

You break, you rage, you hide from yourself
You go to work inert
You write, cry, eat, divert
Write poems and lists and tools
It gets better 
Just watch your monkey brain chatter
Next time you will be better
She said read the list of cons every time he tries to contact you
You see its ron calling then read all the wrong things he did to you
Its a way to train your monkey brain to reconsider its attitude
Reactions are automatic trails straight back to you
Addiction is a pathway, cold turkey is the best path to choose
I used to use but ive been two months true

And we move on

In the medical field, we say
See one, do one, teach one
I saw, i did, i taught
I hid, i undid, i thought
I was free
But freedom is fleeting
And catching it defeats its meaning 
I mean i think im seeing
I intend to be teaching
Because learning hurts
Growth spurts
Its a steep curve
Sometimes it only seems to get worse
But its worth it in the end
Thats what they say
The only question then
Is who says "when?"
And how long do I have to wait?

When i think of all the people i love
If i were to die tonight
Theres a lot who wouldnt come to mind
But who gave me light
Theres ppl who wouldnt even make my list
But who have made my life livable for at least a little bit

All the things you think youd never do
Things that would never happen to you

**
I would never
I said
I wouldnt ever
I thought
Im living a joke
At least i can laugh
Thats my joy and my craft
I do ****, ive been thru ****
Im not proud to admit
But i love myself always
Thru all of it
Forgiveness is hard
Moving forward is harder
One step forward
That ones a non-starter
Is it in the cards or
Is this pain just fodder
For my art or
Am i really moving

Tell me god
How am i doing?
Were you a **** up like me?
Did you **** Mary of Magdalene?
Did your parents disapprove?
Were you in love, unmoved?
Unshaken by the fear and hatred
By the biases that make people say ****

You lived with the sinners
You must have been one
Is my line in the sand thinner?
What misdeeds did you consider?

Tell me. Am i like you?
Were your senses alive? All five?
Did you embrace them or hide?
Did you hate your skin?
Or did your sensuality thrive?
Did you never touch your disciples
With amorous love?
Almighty, human, spirit, dove

How can you be human
Without being broken?
Without hurting and being hurt, your claim is token
Cant have spoken on the human condition
Without having lived it
Without having given and taken 
What is this life for
But to **** up and love more?
To tip the balance to love over hate
To hurt people some, play the *****
Learn your goodness aint innate
It grates on my nerves
Claim to serve
Cling to words
In a book used to curse
The broken and hurt

What the **** is life worth
If you dont get to live?

Lord forgive me my sins
Forgive those who sin against me
And let me fall into temptation
Deliver me to evil
For that is our kingdom
Humanity's glory
Amen

8/24/2017

You were the one that chose to cheat
And now. Now you wanna be with me?
Its you and I, there is no we
Its not my fault that you're so weak
Its you that ****** up, see?
But now you wanna be with me?

Without me you go crazy
Try to take your life maybe
In a hospital bed, waiting
But see, I cant be your reason to be
Your temper tantrums dont shake me
You want me to forgive and forget
Because you "need me" and you havent ****** up lately
Its not like five years of lies invalidates any promise you could make me

Histrionic narcissist, even everything wasnt enough
Even eight different women couldnt fix the depth of your insecurity
So you go to church and claim purity
I can say this with absolute certainty
We are done, you and me.

You are a tornado
And I found my way out
But i cant take her with me
I had to gather what was left of myself and flee
Before your chaos engulfed me entirely

And now there is a blameless girl
With a broken dad
An absent mom and a step-mom whos gone
And you are the one to blame
You are the one who did wrong

8/24/2017

I rise

That last interaction wasnt quite what i asked for
Not sure how she feels or why I said that to her
That one thing we all seek
I try to give freely
My body screams i see you
Do you see me?

I rise

My heart stings from the things i cant do
The ones that I loved and couldnt hold onto
The paths that i saw and chose not to pursue
The vague nameless shadow that clouds my view

I rise, I rise

I still see, im still seen
My heart still beats
I know my love language
I speak it with me
There are still secrets I frantically seek
Knowledge is the spark that catches me
Depression is no match for connections and facts
The key to my heart is curiosity

I rise

9/3/2017

Similar feelings in similar situations
Flirty, playful, good conversation
Their names run together in my mind
I bite my tongue before i speak the wrong one
All i want is just one
No, not one of them
Someone who holds me when im hurting and knows when
Knows me, knows how to let me cry
Knows why I speak my mind
Calls me on my crimes
Doesnt tell me lies
Who gets me every time
Yes its sappy and Im whining
Trying to picture perfect
But perfects not worth it
Cuz its never real *
Just a moment you steal
Then reality kicks down the door
Tussled hair, pants on the floor
Youre the fool who got used by a tool
Or you did the using
Its just semantics, but you think you're broken
And thats what it is *
Every time you give, you leave a little more behind
Think itll be different next time
Why?

Because the only other option is giving up on something new
And thats just something you'd rather not do

Aug 21 2017

That girl, she looks like me
Her empathy runs deep
For the broken and bereaved
Shes the type to give her all
But broken angel always falls

She's the type to be used and abused by the one that she loves
Her constant compassion just wasnt enough
She gives
He takes
She thinks its fate
It aint her way to make mistakes
Her friends say wait
Wake up things aint the way he might portray
But she stays anyway
Not seeing her boundaries being crossed every day
Her money being tossed away

But the other woman got jealous
She wanted him to tell her its just us
She tried to wait but she got fed up
Decided to tell on him, show the other ***** whats up

Images that cant be unseen
Insides writhe with fury, pain beneath
Buried deepseated beliefs broken
It set her free
See, * the ties that bind us
Are woven with obligation and guilt
All those years behind us
Even the best relationships built 
With reciprocity
But when you stop and see
Hes doing nothing for me
Thats when you cut ties and flee

But see guilt * is a trickster
Bungee cord it snaps her back
Now she thanks the heavens
For her sharpest weapon
Seven women weilded well
Cuts through guilt that kept her held
And now she is the angel fell
Now first, * she always minds herself
Call it selfish, i call it healthy
No longer soft and lost, her sight is keen
Not beaten, not free, but somewhere in between
Better than average, shes mean
The nuances of trust lost etched like a map across her gaze
She is always thoroughly unfazed
That girl, she looks like me

11/24/2017

Everybody says i dodged a bullet
But the bullet landed
As for the trigger, was it him or me that pulled it?
I thought he helped my heart expand its hard to think i even could with
Both feet braced on solid ground
Our situationship wasnt planned
I know its hard to understand
From the outside its easy to brand me
Can we analyze every time i noticed how masterfully he handled me?
I understand that time is the only poultice
But for a moment Id like to be candid please

The bullet landed and it travelled
It ripped a path through my flesh
Day by day i ate less and less
Let this be as many lessons
As you can manage to pull from this
The side pieces and the rest is all fluff and *******
He put strings on my heart and pulled it
And i danced and said “how high”
And my soul became dull it became harder and harder to wake up every day
Is it ok to say the only redeeming quality is that he never struck me?
But i wanted to escape the pain of being stuck he told me never, ever again to cut
He didnt see that he was the reason i needed release
The Mona Lisa was out of luck

Finally the bullet festered
The pain became so great
And the benefits so much less
The bullet ripped a path
I cut it out and sealed it back
Now the bullet is nothing but waste
And i can find a new way to relate
New tissue to create
It takes talent to close, to suture they say
“Approximate, dont strangulate”
And now the bullet is disposed

So they say i dodged a bullet
But the bullet landed
It ripped a path through my flesh
Til i became so much less
And the wound began to fester
So i cut out the bullet and cleaned up the rest
Now i have a scar to show the truth
The bullet landed
And i still choose
Not to be bulletproof

10/31/2017

Why did I say that thing just now
And how do i manage to sound so proud around the people i want to impress
Im sure they can tell im just a little too loud
I talk a little too fast
Is it anxiety or mania that makes me act like that?
And why wont he respond?
Wait, which he am i on?
My hope for a lover shot down on the daily
But still i manage to feel ok when im not focused on waiting
Entertaining myself in other ways
Playing with words
Word salad, tossed in a ballad, tossed salad
Oops, did i say that?
Donno what im playing at
Dont mind me
Im finding it hard to wind down
If i run, my problems wont find me
Staring at the sun prolly wont blind me
If i pretend to be fine now
Will my demons remind me?
I just wanna share my poetry with someone that thinks like me
Whos likeminded, inspired, desires to climb higher
If knowledge is fire
Then my mind is a lighter
But my soul keeps tripping over her own shadow 
Boxing with my demons in the shallows
Maybe today I let them win
On the Eve of All Hallows, the winner is sin

12/15/2017

Maybe a woman. Definitely not a lady.
Always fluid, everchanging
Transient, human, waxing and waning
Dust to dust, the earth is waiting

Skin deviously separating
Lips and eyes and breath recreating the truth
Impermanence, interrelationships between the two of you
Between the hundreds of thousands of beings surrounding and breathing with you
Being with you
Being me
Being this inexorable mix of light and twisted, my fight is rising, round 2 has been gifted
Moving, shifting, intermixed
Lifting my voice to try to fix the never-ending brokenness
The *******, hoes, the tokenness

My ecosystem intertwined
Roots supporting, climbing vines, climbing high
Rise and rise, the end is nigh, lest we fight this beast beside
These children fighting over limbs
Ripping flesh and slicing skin
Removing organs from the breathing earth within

Ive spoken this truth before
But from a shattered soul
I speak now from a podium
Breathing deep and whole

2/18/2018
Therapeutic hypothermia
The cold preserves my soul
A still expands the night
Suspended in half-animated state
The still demands the constellations
Slow and introspect
Reflect on now, the lull
Orien runs the bull
The seven sisters, never saints
****** the men they adore

The weight of day fades away
And still I stand, absorbed 
Neck craned heavenward
Mind full dark and starlight poured
Heart bellowing apace
Time is brain, time is mind
In this case, turtle conquers hare
Intentional at this metabolic rate
Still they dance and chase around the axis
Turtle cheating time and space
By slowing down the mortal race
Orien minds the bull
The seven sisters narrate
Still I stand, chill permeates and I find desire relaxes

I saw a heart with a scar
The scar was white
I saw a heart stop
The heat from the lights slicked the gloves to my skin
I saw an old man reconfigure a body
While making jokes about women’s bodies
The knowing glances passed between women behind backs, over masks
These old farts think they have this world under wrap
This dinosaur may come to find
His time is up
His time is past
I am the meteor 
Lighting up the summer night
You may depart with a bang or a whimper
The boys club is gone
Cigars are out of fashion
There’s only so far your generation’s hearts can last and when at last with scars, they stop
Then I joke in the OR about silly men, while I fix your broken heart

Oh glorious you
With eyes that speak and tongue that listens
With heart that takes note
With breath that catches
With gut that is wise and circumspect
With intentions that come from the deepest place of respect
With skin that burns and seeks to be touched in return
With feet that catch pavement and swiftly kick ***
With an *** like that
With a soul never to be silenced
With rice and wine and herbs and salt of the earth
With powerfully vulnerable self-aware
Tsunami and koi pond share a space in your being
With tea ceremony, taekwondo and a powerful girl with the face of a man you once knew
Aura of violet, red and green
And every experience in between
Each rib and knuckle
With all of your growth and all you know
The way your body moves through space
Intentional, each fiber strives for the language of interconnection
That divine word you spell without realizing
And upon being spoken, slips away
Never to be taken for granted, cliche or token
That ephemeral piece which science has yet to describe
That peace you eternally seek 
That wisdom, if anybody, oh glorious you will find

I choose to displease you
So this garden can bear fruit

The fox is sweet
But not to me
He wants to eat my chickens whole
The fowl are fools
Too fat to fly
Blood and feathers in the coop

Now your request is nothing less than foxes in my hen-house
I can see there’s things you need, but it will never come from me now

This barbed wire may seem dire
Desparare times, desparate measures
The foolish fowl make choices now only on which seed to peck
The coop now guarded night and day, a count is made, the locks are checked
Though these hens desire the freedom to roam as they please
It has been decided
The hens will be supervised
The fox will be reminded
If we find another chicken dies
We reinforce, remove the threat, create a safer boundary line

The moment you think the pain is gone
You realize it just keeps keeping on
That bone-deep gnawing that you did wrong
The longing for something lost
Something old
Haunting something new
Life is borrowed, brief
Not a moment to lose
So why is it so hard to know what's right to do?

You hurt
You were abandoned
And you abandoned too
You hurt a child you love and knew

Ghosts that still walk
Calling to you