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bathing myself in this thirsting quench
and now I’ve come to see you
as a drug. a pill.
but not prescribed.
     
Staring blackly at me
on my bedside table
                  and it’s teasing me.
teasing me with the sugar cane
that erupts when it skims my tounge -
I drool.

alluring my own deception  with your
succulent crescendo
that unravels it’s way down my whole
     voice until there’s none left.
And its just the way it sets me so ablaze
that I cremate casually  in your
immaculate ignite.

                       Knuckles clench to restrain that
                 sentiment that nostalgia
             that world that lies behind your door I always see myself
            linger through ghostly.



I’ve never been
29 August
my urge my battle to stop myself from you
A - the atrocity that my life has become
D - the damage, and still,  im not done
D - the denial, the doom in the vile,  dangerous, daunting; forever defile
I - the image I fake of myself, I- my constant &chronic; bad health.
C- the cost of a chemical wealth.
T for the tension, paranoia and fear. Yet it’s the letter that symbols it’s here.  
I - irrational, insensible, intense. I - irresistible iridescence .
O- for the option that I didn’t take, O for the others that still I forsake.
And N for nervous. Nauseous. Night. N, the neophyte, turned narcissist knight.

Transparent to everyone, how its hold is too true
So clear its invisible, Addiction did coo:  

“when you wake and feel my crave,
and all my charms  different behave;
resistance, strength, pain & choice,
may mute my spell,  quiet my voice.”
“embrace what little light is shed”  suggested addiction, faintly he said:

“For I can **** the best man dead,
with only shadows in their head.”
My therapist told me that I was in an abusive relationship.
I laughed, and said I know.
You see,  when your whole life you've been neglected, abused, and taken advantage of, you search for small pieces of that in your soulmate.
I've turned down many men who would've treated me "right" but all I craved was wrong.
If they were never broken themselves how could they ever understand my pieces.  
I know it's not pretty, but I don't want to date a pretty man.
I don't want a man who eats privilege for breakfast in the morning, or had his whole life planned out for him before he was even born.
Every time I have a bad day I don't need to be greeted with chocolate and roses, I wouldn't even know how to accept that.
When he roars I see fire and it ignites my lust for him,  it's how I was taught love.
When he pushes me I find peace in the words of comfort after.
  I don't want a man who could punch me in the face, but sometimes when he gets mad I need that.
It's how broken people were taught to love.
I chase the danger that our loves sparks.
So dear therapist,
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
The day he put his hands around my throat, or injures my essence, is the day I walk out the door.
Don't worry therapist.
I know what I'm doing, I know what I've gotten myself into.
Walking away is what I'm good at.
I've been practicing my whole life.
 Dec 2017 boringwonderland
C
I keep giving you shots,
but you're just drinking them all,
You try getting me mad.
Hoping that I'll fall.
But every time you get sad
you accidentally confess a lie
Feeling my hurt in silence
Trying to help you get by
I love your pretty lies, please don't confess the ugly truth.
Sinking through the bathroom floor
Lying in my own thoughts
Maybe they're tears
I don't know the difference anymore
Covered in disgust for myself
Or maybe it's *****
The worlds out of focus
Or maybe the rooms shaking
Never mind, that's just me
Falling through the floor
Being caught over and over in a web of regret
Am I the spider or its pray?
Blood, and ***** pouring down the drain
Silence fills the bathtub
It's raining,
never mind, that's the shower
The waters salty
Never mind, it's red
All this time,
Waiting to feel anything besides my thoughts

Why does it hurt so bad?
How can feeling nothing hurt so bad?
 Dec 2017 boringwonderland
C
I was only fifteen years old,
but this was the fight of my life.
You claimed you loved her,
but I knew that wasn't right.
You were the perfect angel
until about midnight.
She screamed and screamed,
but said he wasn't mean.
You convinced me it was just a bad dream.
The nights got worse
the days felt empty
and I couldn't do a single thing about it.
When she woke
he placed yellow lilies on the table
and laughed like it was a joke.
I was so confused
her eyes were bruised
and he was amused.
"Please forgive me"
"I'm not sure what happened"
"That wasn't the real me"
The days turned to centuries,
but the weeks turned to minutes.
I saw right through him.
soon it happened again.
The same thing every night
tomorrow it would be fine
because the pink lilies made it alright.
I hate lilies
 Dec 2017 boringwonderland
bess
Everyone told me to forgive and forget

But how can I forgive you for the way you altered my existence

I don't think or talk or act the way I used to because of you

So before you expect me to forgive you

Maybe you should say you're sorry
 Dec 2017 boringwonderland
Q
let it run down your spine like a shiver
and wrap round your wrists like rope
let it climb up your veins like vines
and fill up your throat till you choke.

are you waiting for someone to find you?
are you thinking of your other half?
does the want trip up your daily struggle
with dreams of a something that lasts?

then, let it tear up your heart like a lost lover
let it catapult you higher like hope
let it guide you along like road signs
let it wash your expectations like soap.
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