This was going to be another I love you poem
A please don't go plea
Explain how the pain is to much
Desricbe the heart break
How I want to drink these tears dry
Beg for more time and promise change
This was going to show how sorry I am in a hundred different ways
Let you know that if your gone then I want to go to
This was going to be filled with words that would keep you here
I would beg if needed
Give whoever whatever if we continued forever
But it never got the chance


Passed out before writing the first word out
Woke with pen still in my hand
Paper scattered on the bed
Leaned over to the pillow that would've been holding your head
Took a deep breathe then kissed it softly
First time in nine years your lips wasn't there
First time in nine years my day began with tears wetting my face
Few got by cleaning the sleep dust from my eyes
Just before anger stopped the chance to really cry
Why?
Why this ?
Why now?
Why am I beginning to smile?
Am I not hurting as much as I should?
Did I not love you as much I believed?
Staring at the empty bed I finally see what was lost for a long time
You bright eyed and laughing
Then I  hear you telling me your quote of the day
Happy for no other reason then that's the type of person you are
Gone was the look of pain and misery that deprived you of the life you loved
And the world of your beautiful smile
Everything will change by not changing at all
I promise that our forever will continue one day
Untill then I ask you to keep an eye on me from your view in the sky
And I'll continue to do what I always done
That's looking up to you

L
Love, life , live or laugh
Maybe look , later , long or just the first letter of what was meant to be a goodbye song
Deep inside me I know I'll never get the answer
But for nineteen years it's been a daily thought
Theirs been times I spent hours and more then once I spent days
I have yelled and cried about it
Asked myself was it going to be a K
I turned it to the left , back right then upside down
Yes I flipped over then flipped it again
It always looks the same
One line that's not to straight
The black ink has faded some and it holds some dried up tears
Someone told me I should throw it away
That I needed to stop hanging on
To quit trying to solve a problem that I will never be able to solve
We haven't talked since
I don't need to hear the oblivious
I don't need to hear nothing at all
I'll put it up for the night
To help fall asleep I go to bed thinking it wasn't even meant to be a letter
That it was my mother's way of saying
" It's me that's dying , you continue on"

Lately my thoughts haven't made much sense
Seem lost and scattered among the deaf
Shown to the blind
Haven't been able to picture one yet
Like my first child
They died before making it to daylight  
You heard seeing is believing right
Keep my eyes closed to miss the view of my depressed state of mind
What's the point of talking to those who pretend
So I sit quiet and alone
God has already called on all my friends


Strike a match  
Flick a bic
Make some light cause this is all dark ****
Am I the only one to sit with my eyes closed
Thinking how easy it would be if I made my last breathe my last breathe
Leave the note you wrote years ago saying goodbye
Don't be selfish by getting mad
I was ready for my time to end
Breaking the cuffs
Snapping the chains
If it wasn't meant to be then good would've stopped me
Right?


Would shake hands and say goodbye
But my left is wiping sweat
While the right one puts in  work  
I tried everything from eight cokes and countless lines
And still can't find my smile
So why fight the feeling
I don't matter
You been blowing me off like I'm the dirt on  Mr. Knowles shoulder
Put me in a closed space with your sister
I'll hit her hard
Make you a auntie slash ex step mom
Now you have something to go sit and tell
Let me get the door for you
I'll act like I'm over you
Yell, scream and cuss
Then slam the door
As I hit the floor
Cause only then will I break
Cry out asking God why

No sleep leaves more time to reminisce of a past I'll regret till the day I decide that it's my last
Unable to pull away from a place my mind always seems to always find
Searching for anything I can put some faith in
Praying for a glimpse of light ahead of me
Wishing I could believe my own lies
And I wonder why I live with self hate
Hands in empty pockets as I find somewhere to hide
Heart is hurting just like my thoughts of the future
A hater of pain but I know I done to much wrong to go out in peace
I out stayed my lease and cheated on time
Praised alchol and treated drugs like God's
Unable to blame it on a childhood filled with unspeakable memories
Raised with love by the best and before you ask I already have
What the hell happened to me
How did I break myself of all self worth
Sold myself short then never showed up
Been wasting air since birth with every breath
I need more then rest
Brain dead so I can't reset my mind
If I could have just one request
God keep my mom and dad away from the window
No parents should have to witness this

Window seat with a front yard view
A row of sunflowers and two oak trees surrounded by  perfect green grass
Inside a white fence making the backdrop beautiful on a dark day
The pain it caused with each trip you made
The reality that sit in when I seen your things packed in that car
I wanted to yell for you to stay
Fought the need to pull you close and tell you we can make everything ok
Thought of asking if I go too
I wanted to cry
I wanted to do something
But I didn't
I did none of those things
Not even walk outside to say bye or put my hand up to wave
I just sat there and watched the darkness follow you away

I love you
At times I don't want to
I tried everything not to
But like I always said
Theirs something about you
I love you
Even when you let me know I mean nothing to you
Or worse
When others let me know how you really feel
It's a brutal beating every time
You think I would be tired of it
And I am but it's alot harder being away from you then it is to pick myself up again
I love you
Even when you tell me theirs better
After you tried with others pushing me off the edge
I often wonder what position I was in
But the walk was to far from the back for me to ask
Besides I was just happy to have any spot in line
I love you
But your wrong when you say I tried holding you back
Or holding you down or holding you anyway except  tightly in my arms feeling your chest move from your heartbeat
From night one I expressed who I seen
Not to try and get you in bed
Something had me feeling things I never felt before
I didn't say it but I could've and I would've meant it if I said it right then
I love you
Not just because of your beauty or how smart you are, not only because I find you funny and easy to talk to
It's more then just your long legs and seductive smile ,
Goes beyond how you look **** and the way I feel when I look at you
It's just because your you
And I love who you are
I love you
And I hate me
I thought I liked myself more then to allow me to fall for someone who never seen me as I seen them
One who said they wanted forever but seemed to never give up looking
I love you
And I hate me
Why would I continue to hurt myself by feeling the feelings I do for you
What can't I understand about how easy it was for you to walk away
Looking back only to make sure I was still there just in case you needed someone to catch when you fell back
I love you
And I hate me
I have a thousand more reasons but why pen them if the person reading them does so with blind eyes
Why tell them if the person I need to hear it has deaf ears
It's like trying to love with no love to give because the person who you want to feel your love has stole your love making you hate everything about you

I feel like standing tall with my chest out while taking a stand against something I don't believe in
I just need to find something I feel that strong for
I feel like I'm wasting time trying to decide which decision I choose would be right
Who else feels like it happens so much that wrong eventually feels right
I feel young , free , old and caged
Half the time I feel like I don't even know me
I feel high probably because I'm on the second floor wishing it was the top deck of a cruise ship and I'm waving bye to strangers standing on the shore
I feel alone and scared like I'm hungry but full
This void I feel has me feeling useless to the world
The tears I shed makes me feel weak
Starting from nothing after my last relationship really feels like maybe it ain't worth it
I feel like my heart has been torn out and stomped on so much that I'm unable to feel it when my heart beats
Feeling like I made my biggest mistake by trying to correct what was my biggest mistake
Wouldn't it be great if I could feel the feeling that a child feels
No problems, no stress and no feeling like I failed at this life
I feel like I'm sure you feel about this
Asking who cares how I feel or what my feelings are when I'm not concerned with how you feel
I feel like I abused my first forty years of life
And I don't have a good feeling that I have another forty left
I do feel thankful and I feel blessed
I feel like if I wakeup tomorrow then God feels like I'm worth a few more breathes
If not then I feel like he felt like I needed the rest