Principium

I thought I’ve already made enough mistakes to last a lifetime, but as it turns out he was only the beginning.
I know. I know I should’ve listened. For someone who claims to be so self-aware, I stumbled onto him like a new born in a world of monsters.
A monster ready to pounce. Ready to control. Quick to eye someone they know is easily vulnerable.
I knew, from the start, this love was not going to work. Wasn’t supposed to.
And I knew, from the start, his I love you’s were lies uttered only by the fleeting feeling that he had to have someone to catch him and make him feel worthy while the other crumbles.
But I believed them anyway.
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Contrariorum

And suddenly, I was a kid again.
You had so many plans, and I got swept along with it. I remember being so glad. Because for the first time, someone saw me as having a place in their future.
You were the first person to talk to me about the possibility of marriage. And I remember thinking, Oh god I’m only twenty but, actually even when I’m thirty I still don’t want to.
Turns out I also said that out loud. You shrugged and said we’d talk about it some other time.
But then you decided to let go because my storms became too much for you to bear. I never did blame you. I was just surprised you gave up that easy.
You said that you almost loved me.
What did you expect me to say to that?
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Quid tibi accessit?

I was so sure of you.
I gushed about you so hard to my friends, so proud and so sure that this wouldn’t happen.
I believed everything. Every little thing. Until now nothing is quite clear, except for the fact that you found it appropriate to be selfish.
I never want to regret any of my loves.
But you’re close to disappointing.
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Domus Meus

This will be the first one I will write for you, and if you stay, it won’t be the last.

I’ve fallen so many times for people who only accepted my love. I give and give and give, never learning when to stop. Because I’m stupid like that.
I always say that love is ****. Relationships are messy. And love is not until death.
But dear, you are the only person I’ll ever admit this to, I crave love.
I crave for the deep love people seem to always experience in movies. Love written by poets through the years, the same feeling I’m trying to capture with the things I make. Love in Art. Love that is enough. Love that will tread the storm and come out of the other end stronger. Love that is realistic but will never give up. Love that will choose you, even during the days when you’re not so sure anymore.
We had to meet at a time when both of us were broken. We still are, on some level. But we’re trying.
There are days where I am afraid. Days when I don’t think I’m worthy. We were proved to be made from star dust, you know? There are galaxies inside of us. Of you.
I look at you and I see all the amazing things that have happened, and will happen, because of the greatness you have in you.
I’m thankful you’ve allowed me to be a part of it, even for now.
I don’t know how this story is going to go. I don’t know how this book will end. But you are the first chapter of what I think will be my greatest love, yet.
Love, I’m scared shitless. But they always told me that I had to be brave to face the things that will be worth it in the end.
And you are worth it.