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She washed away my feelings,
with my tears
He shattered my wings,
with my fears

That day I kissed a girl
made of thorns,
and somehow love found me
in his arms

I knew I wanted her
I knew I needed him

I've been waiting for so long.

Yet we're here
Yet we're torn.
we mended each other
we lost and found one another

Still I sense that
emptiness, growing inside of me.
Still I feel like
this will, be the end of me.

Because I lose myself
whenever I am with you
And little by little
I become a part of you

and then we become one,

we become our tears
we become our fears.

I look into his eyes,
I hold her tight
without saying any words
we read each others mind

we forget our qualms
for a moment or two,
because it's going to be alright,
as long as you're here too
You looked me in the eye
With the same smile you gave me
A long time ago.
You let me order your coffee for you
I knew which one
It's still the same
From a long time ago.

I laughed about the jokes you told me
You laughed at how unfunny
Mine were
And you playfully hit me
I frowned, you laughed,
I laughed, you laughed again
And said sorry
Just like you did
A long time ago.

The worst of it all
Was that when your hand
Accidentally brushed mine
I shivered
Just like I did
A long long time ago.

-- Eleanor
I barricaded the door,
Screaming, lurching,
Gripped by myself,
Fear searing through every fibre,
Desperation tearing apart my soul,
My eyes and heart on fire.

I screamed loud,
You heard me but couldn't reach me,
Because I didn't want to be reached.
Or did I?

I smashed the glass,
Drew the shards across my wrists,
Slipped under, as warm blood poured down my arms,
Searching for sweet release.

In the haze I heard you knocking,
Then banging, then screaming.
Sirens in the distance,
Then closer.

Noise; a saw maybe.
Loud bangs,
Bright lights.
Beep, beep, beep.

I saw myself on the table,
Surrounded by doctors,
My body a ****** mess,
The green line becoming weaker,
Then flat.

As a child they said that you go to hell,
If you *******, or hurt other people,
Or if you hurt yourself.

It's the only thing that kept me alive so long.

When I returned from the dead they told me to get help;
The church, doctors, charities,
Be mindful, watch the world,
Relax, meditate,
Get better.

But there's no getting away from yourself,
And when you're this broken you can never be fixed.
Not by anybody else, not by yourself;
Not even by those who love you.

And so I sit here, again.
The door locked, more secure this time.
The glass sits on the shelf next to me,
Ready to be broken.
I know to be silent, not to scream,
Not this time,
But to silently slip under without saying goodbye.

It's selfish, I know, to find peace for myself,
And to leave others screaming,
My friends, my family, my children,
But they don't know this pain,
Only I do,
And I know it has to end.
Maybe then, they can stop worrying,
Move on with their lives,
Forget about this 300lb weight they were carrying,
Which was causing them to sink,
A millstone, not a man.
A failure who was supposed to provide,
Make things better,
But who instead destroyed everything.

I feel calm, not terror;
My hand doesn't even shake as I write this note;
Yet I don't even know why I write.

A pause? Clarity?
A goodbye?
Perhaps all three, but defintely not a cry for help.
I've cried all my tears.
Unrepentent, yet sorry for everything,
This is, without question, the end.
Perhaps all three, but defintely not a cry for help.
Taken from A Broken Mind, available now at Amazon:
 Oct 2018 Billy Tolosa

                         does not mean a thing. Just as the moon grips the sea, your love will have ahold on me. Forever and unchanging.
 Oct 2018 Billy Tolosa
I want to be friends with the Sun
You know, like hangout, have fun and shoot the breeze
OK, I know it's hot, strong, powerful and super blazing
But it must be pretty lonely hanging there on its own
I mean, what fun can you have nuclear-izing all the time

It should chill a little, the Sun
I could get it to smoke a cheroot, come to a barbecue
Perhaps have a fiery whiskey or a ginger beer with a zing
We could go to hell's Kitchen and have a well singe T-bone
I'll even take it to a Tanning saloon to see its competitors work

Yip, I'll really like to be friends with the Sun
First though, its got to really cool down and be calm
Why all the the fire, the explosions and relentless blazing
Look how long its been going on, any wonder he hangs alone
Like, its got to know too much heat is good for no one

So, I'm going to go hang out with the Sun
About time it has a friend and some sound advise
Maybe I should take along some Fire-fighters just in case
But it's got to know, we come in peace, not to douse it down
It's all fire with the Sun, but it should know that Fire, fire fire
Is only good in Hell and that's not a place for our lovely Sun

Anybody got a long distance Rocket...anybody...?

Coyright. LaurenceA.29thJuly2018. All rights reserved
 Oct 2018 Billy Tolosa
Jon Faux
 Oct 2018 Billy Tolosa
Jon Faux
I miss her
I miss every little detail
That made her, her
I miss the curves on her body
Where my hands perfectly fit
Her kiss, oh god, her heavenly kiss
The smile that, although rare, only I could bring upon her lips
The pouts she made whenever she was teased
Although feisty, she was made cuter by her red cheeks
Her voice that came with words that I longed for
Of topics we could talk on and on for
The glances she gave off far in the distance
Looking for the meaning and purpose of her existence
While I just sat there, beside her, mesmerized by her beauty
Thinking to myself, it's her, the one, my life, my dreams made true
But now, I'm here, alone with my thoughts
Of where did I go wrong, how did I lose what I waited for for so long
I love her, loved her, I tell myself
But she never said those words to me, they were always held back
So I guess all I could do now is wallow in my regrets
Because the girl that I loved, is now just the girl I will miss instead
 Oct 2018 Billy Tolosa
I should have smiled
when I entered,
dusted like a corner table
with flakes of Maine ash:
grandiose visions of what
I sought to be.
Passing long marble rows;
walking briskly to comfort;
ushered in by the chill.
Neighbors might see me,
but I am cold,
so I do not smile.

In the longhouse,
they celebrate man's
dominion over time.
They pluck paper crafts
by their roots,
and fashion a little gift for me.
Oh, I am merry inside,
singing of renewal,
but I'm tired,
so I do not smile.

In open theater,
upon the carbonite stage,
I find myself
balancing on a tightrope,
while the audience roars and jeers.
I could play their games,
and surely they'd accommodate,
but I am bare,
so I do not smile.

Then, I'm out in the quarry,
cutting stone into thirds;
sweating from the hot sun.
A family sits across the way --
see how they laugh with one another!
If I were born
under a different sign,
I might join them;
but as this is my duty,
I do not smile.

No, I'll walk in circles
like the rest.
I'll make certain
the boilers are filled,
without time
for green-speckled wishes,
or chatting with friends,
old and new:
It's up and down
the stairs with you!
...To see that crescent
creeping through
the winter sky
would do my heart well....
There it is,
alight on the trail!
Yet still I do not smile.

On the road to destiny,
stuck behind two sisters on horseback....
If I were free,
I would slow
to hear their pleasant conversation,
but as I'm in a hurry,
I spur my horse onward,
my eyes set straight ahead;
my cloak whips as I pass,
and I do not smile.

At the great meeting of chieftains,
we are all
seated in the hall.
I feel the weight
of approaching weeks,
and the cold desert river
that awaits.
My face rises and falls
like the tide on the Aral Sea.
In soft surprise,
I feel a presence behind me.
Surrounded by circling vultures....
No wonder I hesitate
to expose my flesh.
Sands penetrate my eyelids.
I take a quick glimpse,
but I am watched,
so I do not smile.

Soon, I come upon an oasis.
The water soothes
my parched throat,
and I,
a forager,
A hunting party makes camp
on the opposite bank.
I peer out through the shrubs....
Only a simple request
would rescue me,
but I am principled,
so I do not smile.

Watching fish jump by the water,
I long for that fading mornglow,
in tattered pots
and cairns,
by shuttered blinds,
where my emotions were kept.
All my love
is cradled in the shade.
Time moves on with haste,
and I do not smile.

At day's end,
I gather my belongings.
I rush to climb the peaks,
that I might meet her on the path.
Again, my heart lifts!
Her face appears in the distance.
With joy, I walk close to her.
I smile a little,
but does she notice?
How can one day's expression
erase those months of melancholy?
Now, my whole body forces a sigh;
I listen quietly to Otemoyan,
and I do not smile.
Written January 19, 2018.
Edited February 21, 2018.
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