i'm in a dangerous state of mind
with no care for living this life
where human emotions are traded
for less than a pack of rubbers
but you didn't even use those
so how much did i truly mean
when the push came to shove
and grinding hips
with moaning lips
that whispered, screamed,
and cried his name
on the night you ****** my heart away
where loyalty takes a literal backseat
to pleasure
and a long term relationship
is laughing stock material
ha ha standup, ain't i funny
to look for something more than this
but i would choke on my own tongue
before i'd speak bad of you
my backstabbing lover
unfaithful friend
i hope to god it he was worth it
the cost was more than just tears
but blood spray on the bathroom mirror
and an empty place where i once
used to love
permanently empty
i can't find the will to care
more than a few half-hearted,
correct that, heartless
obscenities muttered under my breath
with ****** on my mind
a 3:30am fantasy to help dull
the pain that i should be feeling
maybe i'm just a pessimist,
fatalist, cynical, and negative
but my lack of surprise cuts the most
lied to by my mind for those
two months of my life
that i thought i had it all
better to have loved and lost
but even better to **** it all
and just go out with your name on my lips
and your lies in my heart
i hope you think of me when you're with him
that you choke on your tears
plagued with the worst emotions and loss
a better killer than any gun

a grey and orange ghost
slips unfettered between
this world and
a quiet place
of muted shadows
hidden
until eyes like marbles
blink into existence
and my cheshire kitten
slinks into my room
with no more whisper
than silk on glass
liquid

acid flashback in the trees
         frenzied branches feathered leaves
swaying seizing in the breeze
           forming shapes that his mind sees
scattered thoughts attention free

Pariah

Nihilism at its finest

Bleed black the finest shattered diamonds

Of all the lost hopes and dreams

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Cynical skeptics, sarcasm dripping venom

Acid burns through flesh blood and bones

No one gives a ****, scream for a savior

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Shards of glass smile razorblades

Plague of loneliness grips your throat

Heart beats darkness through your veins

**** society, anarchy reigns 

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Shadow world of gray and stones and broken homes

Bleeding hearts and gutted homes

A black void in collapsing homes

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Cesspool of sick and stinking ****

Hungry ravish burning Rome

Parasitic beasts feeding on lost souls

**** you in and never let you go

False promises of help, burning, burning, burning, blackens the sky

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Nevermore the sun shines down on the wretched land

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

This

Is

The 

Future

converse kicks
lead up to lengthy legs
soft as silk
flowing through my finger tips
the wrinkled sheets gather round
trapping our heat
in this sweaty mound
of limbs
tangled too close to be separate
joined as one
not at the hip
but quite close
awkward laughter
leads to young love
and sensuous sighs
escape past locked lips
and fly through the open window
coming to rest on the rooftop
where we first kissed

i woke up this morning
locked myself in the bathroom
with whiskey beer and netflix
a hot steam shower and
aching thoughts for a cigarette

they said be strong you'll make it in time
but all i see is a negative sum numbers game
ad infinitum forevermore on & on & on
another day another nicked nickel through my fingers

so instead of being a "productive" member of society
i'm drunk at 8:00 am and wallowing in self pity
but hey the shows are free
but this shower's gunna cost me

In Spain -
where cheese-making stretches back
to centuries
is a medium sized lump of
Sweet ******* Christ

blessed is the ******
whose womb merited to carry
our small herd of
hand-milked cows
providing milk, cheese, butter, and ice

and to Christians,
the lamb is the symbol of when
the pope and all the christian leadership
will be succeeded by
Moo Jesus

The Good Shepard draws not milk
not liquid from his sheep
but
an overview over Greek pagan
and Christian pastoral deities

then Christ went and
made the exorcism and
he sold in town all his
rriegitha cheese, his curds, his milk

I mentioned that The Green Sheep
had an ad coming out
in the body and blood of Christ
how could the shepherds resist
the temptation?

I was refusing the sacraments
mysticism is cheese
Christ is cheese
better still,
mountains of cheese!

Is your cheese killing the planet?
The Wedding of the Dead:
Celebration and Restraint
Christ stopped at Ebola

it doesn't seem that i can get high enough
                                                                          or low
to find a reason for b r e a k i n g this cycle
                                                        cycle          cycle
                                                                  cycle
of trying to become drinking buddies with my demons
or unconscious of the fact that i'm slowly letting my passions
                                               die.
i'm empty
on the ins
ide but at
least i loo
k ok.

calm and collect my thoughts
ethereal smoke twists upwards
indecipherable spirals winding
their way towards the moon
temporary existence
fleeting memories
my fingers grasp and hold nothing
a silly gesture - acted out
more so in a symbolic way
the ticking clock provides a
backdrop to this satisfied silence
as i take stock of my body
and file away the sensation
of skin on skin and desperate
moans for more
a midnight tryst held close
to my heart that's beating its
way out of my body and
finding its way into yours
with limited time to live this life
embrace it head on and hold me close
tell this dream to last forever
for a moment this special made real
could only be a fragment of
a sleeping mind
i never want to wake up
if time were to stop i'd be happy
knowing that this finite strand
of fine gold thread held high
by fate was made to last more
than the thin tendril of white
sighed out - brushed past my lips and into yours

sink into the silence
nothing left by nothing
a silent trip adviser
to blame the past on
levels of induced mindless
consumption that dealt
with the singularity breath
ghost located in page
after page after page of longing
caress and sniff and smell
the burning rubber sensation of
ice melted fire drops
dealt to deal with dealing
memories forgave in the think tank
calm in the blue raindrop
frisky frisk touch of soul
felt with eyes wide open
and a heart made of gold
to last ever last in the synaptic
convulsion that twitches and squirms
of a mental addiction love and pain
and parlor trick injections
did i mention the hopeful twist
of a sudden quick thinking passing
love is love actually and codeine is
a moment of unloved passive regret
o d on your section of unblinking
overwatch i snorted the powder
to happiness everlasting
cuddle with my corpse
i want to be the little spoon and feel your heartbeat in my back pressed selfishness to hold my soul and revel in the passiveness of unthinking
let me lick your inner soul and taste
the salt of a lie left on cracked breathless lips

as i sit here awake
waiting for some comfort
only received by those
who venture into the
depths that the night offers
delusions of peace
and visions of grace
cloud my weary mind
yet do nothing to ease
my troubled heart
is there any truth
to be had from my restless vigil?
i - a sentinel of the moon
i - a watcher of the shadows
i - an eloquent fool
am driven to seek
a respite from the waking world
by staying the hand of
the sandman in hopes that
these mountainous mole hills
may shrink under my gaze
futile? it may be so
yet dreams that may keep my company
scare me more than any
insomnia induced hallucination

I...
     think...
                 I...
                      like...
                              
crazily chasing concocted crushes
however hasty high hopes
earnestly entangled erstwhile enthusiasm
left languishing limp lethargic
suddenly soundless stupidly selfish
every emotion enviously expectant
an abject apology absent

purposeful pleasure purportedly posed
unearthed unhealthy ungainly uncertainties
devouring devotion disgracing dogma
an accident awaiting arrival

i am abrasive
personality functionality deficit
yet i attract
beautiful women
to befriend the hermit of solidarity
will you go out with me
brought answers on no
my friend i could not lose
yet for the end of altruistic bargaining
i end up ahead
with false promises of a beginning
to an end my own personal
apocalypse
david lee roth would understand
that as i write in this
mindset
brought on by reading
778 comics in 12 hours
and a 4 day binge of  job for a cowboy
my mind wanders
as insomnia sets in
would i be one of the great
dissociative poets?
a dose of the unrequited free associative minds
free thinking form of diet coke with a side of purple strawberries no i meant blueberries
my mind wanders
and yet i look forward to pad thai on wednesdays with cute blondes whom with i stand
the chance of a bat in the mosh pits of a metal band
suckers
i win
for you all know the taste of yellow mustard
ramble ramble ramble
this indie pop poem
would it be ironic to like it
if one truly hates the wording
and yet loves the idea
one of lives greatest life mysteries
alcohol i bid thee a fair welcome
nimble bubblegum monkey wrench
how long will you read?
enough to to see my lack of coherent sentence structure
or that i am a flawed creation
going on and on about existential non existent problems
for i shall exist regardless of my best intentions
as the wheel continues to roll on despite the moss covering this ice slicked track
metal boar slayer of a thousand suns would be a good metal name from sweden
the mooring dove coos to the beat of an undead drum
boo hoo boo hoo cries the witch at the stake
i am done

voluptuous round
satin soft silky *****
******* i need laid

focus needle sharp and glowing
piercing the rare white winter calm
of my mind at rest
like a ray of too bright to see sunlight
too hot to do anything but set
the edges of conscious thought ablaze
where they blacken and burn fast
curling inwards with steady flames
roiling over ashen fingers grasping at
the long forgotten Morpheus's throat
prying wide the sleeping god's eyes
fastened open by Prometheus's chains
Hades, Tartarus, eternal penance,
for bringing inspiration into this
dark human world
the price I paid in sleep for grades

how tired how tired
the caged bird sings
before its beautiful neck snaps
between the claws of an angry
fat cat drool
drip drop dripping the ghoulish rubies
that snake past its serpent tongue and
sizzle when they touch its breast
scream like a banshee a women in the
throes of **** as the cats sternum
breaks between the iron clap jaws
of the three headed abomination
cerberus
guardian of the judicial powers
champion of the executive law
enforcer of legislative judgement
slobbering grasping all encompassing
maw envelopes my heart in its
wretched gnashing teeth
and **** my marrow from my bones
with a sharpened gore covered protuberance called security
i see the death of my passions
in this hellish cycle - abomination birthed
from the depths of an elitist mind
control - a choke chain on the masses

it's all in the details, shadows tracing shapes
of ghosts of past demons seductive with
wide eyes of warm brown flecked moss green
whisper in my ears of delusions and grandeur
while fingertips trace burning lines in
the well worn patterns on my back
temptress, succubus, leech, smooth with
manipulative cunning and dangerous beauty
a haunting promise to kiss the poison lips
of a night filled with fool's gold memories
left in the morning with an empty chest
and entrails that went west with the setting sun
with the greatest beauty, and grasping claws
silk sharp nails hooked in flesh and conscious thought
leave me from your deceptions and lies
my sweet Lilith, I am but a disposable distraction
naught but a notch in your bed
you left with my mind and my heart
left my body but an empty shell
a wraith wandering this grey plane

phoebe will remain my hostage until
four barrel's hipster overlords hear my plea
we're all made of sparkledust and turkish delight
and if you hate drinking sonoma butter and
having money, my doctor Archmage Overlord
said the the "happy drink" element you seek is
less like strong coffee and more like the invasion
of normandy with turkey slaughter in the background

kfc's new turkey flavored chicken tried looking
for drugs in the neighborhood but
timothy leary, his suave excellency, sheik knight of nee
abstained from the devil's coffee with headaches and brain fog
anyway, that's why i attacked the
complimentary peanuts and russian balloon juice

FURIOUS POSTSCRIPT

"no one can understand the truth until
he drinks of the feline's frothy goodness"

white
                red
                            black
graceful contortionist
             hidden
               faces


samurai?
demon?
princess?

death is blunt.

eloquence means nothing
and charismatic words
don't do a ****

death is blunt.

and infinite reminder
to this finite span of life
a permanent problem
to a temporary solution

death is blunt.

in the end we're all just dust
no emotions, no thoughts
just the soil and us

death is blunt.

the poetic anthesis
anesthesia of the soul
period. end. done.

A girl named Autumn
reflected on the river floor
or is she drowning?
water or wind blows
her hair flows around
her rose red lips
as pale hands move
reach for the reflection
or grasp for air?

i sit here and overdose in my imagination for the fifth time today
too poor to **** myself with a pharmaceutical fantasy no pain just sleep
it's a matter of time before i'm found swinging in my basement necrotic windchime
i'm not so much a poet as a sad kid rambling who can only write inebriated
this one time life thing is getting me sick and i just don't..
**** me i thought i was stronger than this yet years with a **** job
no girl and 5 weeks a night of left hand ******* while i choke down
another bottle bottle bottled my emotions in a seven dollar anesthetic
i've been romanticizing a wished for **** addiction at least that would be an
excuse for why i'm a wasted wasting waste of life doomed to insecurity
i can't even remember half the words i learned in school
you're probably sick of my self loathing and every poem i write is
just another narcissistic cry for help because i'm to proud to ball up and cry
don't even bother this time i don't want your reason for why i can't top myself
kick my bucket, burn my farm, pluck out my eyes and puke till i die
i'm ******* done i'm just too tired to try
to all those girls i never kissed - i love you
to all those ******* i never hit - i love you
to that boy that i might have found myself with - i love you
to my best best best friends the few that i have - i love you
i was never comfortable in my skin
maybe i'll  be comfortable in my grave

bitter is this transition, dusk till dawn
floating on half remembered dreams
one would expect tranquility
instead of a constant reminder
that i go to sleep alone
cold sheets with room for two
resign themselves to midnight solidarity

self realization struck painful and fair
i was wasting my life going nowhere
and with the fresh pain clarity came
to better myself i'll never be the same

Crooked smiles breaking after midnight
Diamond eyes sparkle in the electric light
Running through through this modern town
We own the night
 As the lights dance upon our starry gaze
Invincible we fly towards heaven bound
This liquid silver runs coursing through our veins
And gives emotions thoughts yet unbound
And we sail ever toward the moon 
In ships made of fine gold thread spun 
From the suns last heavy sigh
I look towards the sky
And see innumerable burning seraphim
Dancing dancing in this city's glow
Of opportunities spread through our time
And chances mistook for mistakes
That led to a night of passion
Dripping dripping with tears unshed
We loved like lions and never once left
Our cocoon of embers never shed
I love I love I pronounced to the
Unending ocean of dreamers lay dreaming
As this body coalesced 
And my soul intertwined with yours
Forming a living breathing breath

my name's on the gold card she said
membership went straight to her head
told her *******
turned into a cough
smiled, said thank you instead

dreaming for her wild
curvy moonlight flesh, hellbent
his touches consume

water rides across her lips
eyes obey dripping but dead

waiting can cause panic
as sure as any fire in the room
while breathing becomes shallow
too little liquid courage
to drown my doubts
left in the puddles that gather
in the cracks of the sidewalks
                                                         - crossing paths
lead to the crumbling wall
that was once impenetrable
that still my heart calls home
my once beating, never ceasing
existence, a fire, a flame, a spark
left to burn down to ashes
a gutted ruin caused by worry
that reigned (rained?) from the sky

a world of color blanketed now
in all the shades of grey
a twilight where i may never
sleep, yet never wake
just race the thoughts that run
circles and circles and circles
in my head as the minutes tick by

i thought i was stronger than this
i told myself that i would not fall
and yet how the best laid plans
of mice and men fly to the wind
at the chance of love, the greatest
walls crumble at the chance to belong
and the very essence of my soul
strains at bonds, slips free
and sings to the sun of its hope

hopeless i am
lost in the ocean
emotion overflows
and yet i sit in my sinking ship
and refuse to feel, fail, and feel again

coy verbal foreplay
tastefully twisting two tongues
risque rhythm ...                          breathe

this path i walk is a lonely one
pursued by the shadows in the valley of my past
the bonds of brotherhood go only so far
as to remind me of the reality of solitude
the road of life is paved with lost chances
and littered with the bodies of regret
my conscience overhead like a vulture
picking apart my mind while
my shadow self waits for my soul
my self confidence my drive my life
to shrivel and die blown away on the winds of time
the path of red roses i leave in my wake
leads to my bleeding heart as lovers
tears crimson in this negative world
roll like raindrops then stream down
my tattered wrists
am i broken
breathe
breathe
breathe
inhale (the room rushes in)
or was i just dreaming
(a view of my mine)
(from a subconscious state)