silence
three quarters up
an excuse to leave behind
what i felt is worth
leaving this silence to forget itself
to forget that i ever
once wanted a smooth path
bricks lain out to find patterns
in the cracks

The feeling of fall

Will forever remind me of you

Of the nights that we shared

The smell of vanilla in the air



This is the time of year I will never forget

The love that we shared the secrets we kept

These are the scars that I'll always bare

Stitched on the sleeve of my hoodie you wear



Kiss the chill night

To taste the pain

Look in your eyes

Betray I'm ok



This is the time of year I will never forget

The love that we shared the secrets we kept

These are the scars I'll always bare

Stitched on the sleeve of my hoodie you wear



Chills coursing down my spine

Hands fumble explore bodies fingers intertwine

Learning and finding new ways

To pass these fall days



This is the time of year I will never forget

The love that we shared the secrets we kept

These are the scars I'll always bare

Stitched on the sleeve of my hoodie you wear



Now you're in his arms

And I'm all alone

He's kissing the lips

Once pressed upon mine



This is the time of year I will never forget

The love that we shared the secrets we kept

These are the scars that I'll always bare

Stitched on the sleeve of my hoodie you wear



And I swear that I'm fine

Believe me I'm fine
I just can't get the smell

Of vanilla off my mind

a halo of expanding hopes, dreams, and life

a crimson teardrop, tribute to the fallen one's strife

encircles the head of an angel without wings

a splash of color to these dark streets it brings



porcelain skin, cold as the night's bitter kiss

spiderwebbed with cracks, seeping cool mist

this angel was once a most beautiful thing

bright cut emerald eyes, hair black like raven's wing



the angel in past had lived, loved, and laughed

how tragic this scene, that it could not last

for the angel dreamed flying, to touch the moon

but these dreams awoke jealousy, plotting, and doom



you see, in the city where this angel did live
i
t was mechanical, heartless, and did not forgive

run by the hateful human machine who could not fly

confined to the earth in a rage it would cry



"who is this angel to be different from us?!"

hate did consume it like mechanical rust

it sought a way to grind her into the gears of the machine

"since she is not like us, we'll **** her will to dream"



with that they commenced to wicked dark things

captured the angel and cut off her wings

broken and torn, they left the angel to the dust

content to proclaim "she is now just like us"



but the angel could never assume human form

unable to fly, she could not weather this storm

the moon in the night sky, silver and fair

taunted her mind, dreams turned to nightmare



confined to the ground, humanity rotted her mind

great beauty now gone, with decay left behind

lost to the madness, driven to the edge

the angel, a mere shadow, stepped to the ledge



porcelain skin, cold as the night's bitter kiss

spiderwebbed with cracks, seeping cool mist

the angel looked to the moon, once loved, in the sky

stepped forth, and though wingless, for a moment could fly



for though the hateful human machine

had taken her will to live, love, and dream

it could never break her call to be free

the angel found an escape from this cruel place to be

trade insanity to the tailor for top hat coat and cane
to wear to the mausoleum ball, daylights bane
where Lilith masquerades as innocent love
and black bat wings spring forth from every dove
skeletons twist about the living wearing skulls as masks
the grave keeper rejoices in his gruesome tasks

the inky black ocean watches, silent, as judgement day's unfurled
unaffected by the passing of time, by the anarchy below
in silk soft silence, chaotic is the death of the civilized world

the once calm waters of the void, now are swirled
smothering the fires of armageddon with its inexorable flow
the inky black ocean watches, silent, as judgement day's unfurled

silver pinpricks of light, into the infinite waters, are hurled
and liquid orange pigment leaks forth, ever so slow
in silk soft silence, chaotic is the death of the civilized world

around this blue and green marble, the vast water is curled
undisturbed by the hate and rage humans show
the inky black ocean watches, silent, as judgement day's unfurled

news of paradise's destruction throughout the heavens whirled
obliteration of one another the human race did bestow
in silk soft silence, chaotic is the death of the civilized world

the vast expanse of the ink black ocean is purled
as the earth was torn asunder with its final death blow
the inky black ocean watches, silent, as judgement day's unfurled
in silk soft silence, chaotic is the death of the civilized world

achromatic.
                      adrift.*

in this
               polychromatic world.


monochromatic views.

breed

duotone intolerance.

music through my veins
polyrhythmic synapses
firing in 3/2 timing
stuttering triplet rolls
around my thoughts
octave to octave change
quicknowdoubletime
overdrive of emotion
s l o w s  t o  h a l f  t i m e
q  u  a  r  t  e  r   t  i  m  e
e   i   g   h   t   h    t   i   m   e
stop these shaking hands
this staccato heart
a note from the end
a measure too soon
a crescendo to nothing

discordant - anti-climatic.

was the song to my life ever on beat?

i am selfish, self-pitying, jaded, ever seeking for some new meaning
tell me that you aren't too and i'll call you a liar with my eyes
because my mouth would never speak out against the truth of this world
that we all live for ourselves in the depths of our minds, in the labyrinth
with walls made out of sharp feelings and rusting emotions burning

i am at home in these depths, these dismal depths of self-feeling
of knowing through hours of introspective meditation that i will never be enough
but neither will you, neither will you my darling, it just has yet to reach
catastrophic proportions of this living tragedy to see that this sea of life
will only take, will only wash away

i dream of the end of the world
the only place i find solitude
time for myself is when
i am getting a tattoo
and bleeding myself dry
with ink in my veins
my life is cracking at the edges
and crumpling at the core
and i am not so sure who i am
while sit in solitude in my basement
and drink myself sober
while i put out a cigarette on my arm
because the smoke in my lungs
isnt killing me fast enough
while my friends do nothing
but make sure i go comfortably
to an early grave
while i remember the backrub you gave me
and how you laid in his arms
while i eat a bag of beef jerky
even though im a vegetarian
and the taste of blood in my mouth
makes me sick to my stomach
yet i keep eating because
something had to die
while i try to write this suicide note
with all the eloquence of a poem
and cry for help in the smallest voice
all the while knowing that
i will just ***** our in the end
and end up with one more scar
of many that are there or not
but they all ghost on my soul
shame
i dream of the end of the world

twisted bodies turning
grotesque gyrations
in the dark places
where shedding your skin
and drinking blood
is common place
as those dark thoughts
creeping out of cracks
in your desolate mind
hear the dead drums beating
in time to your
broken ****** heart
welcome rotting arms
that grab and grasp
welcoming you in
welcome to the skeleton dance

a masquerade of bone and flesh
words like daggers in this vest
a blood red rose in midnight hair
ruby jewels left on these lips
brushed 'gainst mine fore dawns first kiss
bring end to nights horrid affair

fragile shell how can you hold me
how can you keep my wings under wraps
when my spirit so wishes to soar free

bound by gravity to this wretched place
i seek nothing more than to loose these bonds
and transcend time and space

self-inflicted incompetence
brought on by a life
of misunderstanding, misuse
sabotaged by my own mind
with this unsettling gut feeling
will i ever be good enough
or will i be discarded
as a broken unsatisfying machine
tell me the truth
that will cut to the core
for deceptive sentiments
cause self doubt to boil
beneath my skin
am i not a man
or fated to be relegated
to boyhood status
unable to quench the most
basic natural demands
a failure at heart
a selfish lover
eating away at my conscious soul

i know you love me
im just paranoid as all hell
we're only human

Bleeding In my own wold
 I am serene
I am ******* buddah
An exemplary  exhibit of how
To be calm in a storm 
How to stand on my own in the waves
That crush my shoulders
That smash my chest 
That bring me to my knees
**** the rules
And I defy the gods of this world
I raise my voice
In a defiant hymn 
I rebel
I exist through my will
And I will not be brought low
I am flesh blood and bone
I am because I am
And my thoughts roam these 
Unsavory waters
I will fight these demons
I will become what I may
And relentless I will purge
My soul
I scream till my eyes bleed
And I know what it means
To eat the heart of my enemies

the moon
                 is no longer
                                     a bright
                                                  silver  ­
                                                           sphere
                                                                ­       in the sky
rather a muddy brown circle
                                                  at the bottom of my coffee cup
while stars
                   that used to
                                       dance
                                                  throughout the heavens
instead play behind
                                    the lids
                                                 of my
tired
bloodshot
eyes
       and
            dawns first light brings
                                                     not
                                                      joy,
nor hope,
nor relief
but stings
                 the nerves and
                                           ushers forth

regret

            at a night's lost rest
                                              on edge from minutes
of sleep my
                     weary mind wonders




*why oh why does it have to be finals week?

i read books in my
shower to combat fleeting
boredom - game of thrones

the winter sun blows
a frigid december light
the dawn like cold night

with smoke tainted breath i sit and watch the night pass by
a silent guardian to watch my waking thoughts
the blinking traffic light tick tock ticks my life into pieces
a second hand reminder of the passing time flies
i reminisce on thoughts once alive and
create a late night fantasy in my mind
of life once lived to the fullest extent
only available in dreams brought on by death
the air is chill a cool reminder of the progressing season
where even the earth finds itself locked in throes of ecstasy
at the mere idea of change
the sky, towering sentinels that keep their eyes to the heavens
for any sign that this chaotic life will sink in calm waters
it smells like rain and the smell is sweet
caress my heart with a sense of longing as i create
this poem of cliche meaning
i live to love and love to live with lover in hand and
a night beneath the stars
only spoke about in hushed voices for song would break the spell
if this city wakes
i find myself asking the empty air for answers to these
dilema questions only meant for rhetorical ears
a writers lament
the cry of the mocking bird
syncs with the pass of a car
sweetly soft in a partners sigh
repetitive to most
these lips taste like honey and
my soul is free to wander to home
where you lay sleeping
safe and sound in the sea of mist
that separates the lost from the jealous eyes of unforgiving rest
a movement without meaning draws inspiration
for zen meditation
my coffee is getting cold

the casket was open for the duration
of the service
a black hole beckoning, a step through the door
the great unknown
a muffled cough, a sigh, unease hung in the
air, a cloying fog
i sat near the back, observant of the dry eyes
the looks of disgust
the gathering - most here out of a sense of requirement
than true feeling
the few who knew, eclipsed by the underwhelming
apathy
even less approached the pristine coffin for
a final goodbye
those with a thirst for the morbid (likely)
heartfelt (doubtful)
"daddy always said - be committed in what
you do"
words taken to heart - evident in the cracked void
left by the .44 exit
disinterested in the false emotions of the living
i leave - unnoticed
a ghost at my own funeral

flirting with death telling her i'm ready
she's caressing my temple my lips and my chest
with a blue steel barrel goosebumps and longing
a short sharp breath and eyes closed tight
i ease and ease and ease the trigger in
click
can't die yet, rent's due tomorrow

cherry sweet smoke
drifting slow circles
barely masks the scent of... burned coffee? or is it mold?
it really brings out  the apathetic atmosphere
of this windowless waiting room.
dimly lit and dingy
a single bare bulb clinging to life
...and failing -
f l i c k e r s   w i t h   t h e   r a p i d   p u l s e   o f   a   h e a r t   g i v i n g   o u t.
while peeling Mint Green paint adds a sense of despair
("it smells definitely like **** in here")
the grout needs a good scrub to remove the flaking brown stains
reminiscent of dried blood and chew spit
This. is. where. My dreams languish
                                       with  bloodshot eyes
                                       with cramped backs
                                       awkward and uncomfortable
queued up to to die in some forgotten room
located down that rather unpleasant looking hallway                                                          ­           
filed away for a rainy day that will never come  ~                     
                          one dead dream is a tragedy
                          a thousand dead dreams are just statistic

the smoke that drifts
from lips once kissed
spirals and twists
your eyes are missed
my heart, it lifts
til you dismissed
and caused these rifts
my love, away you ******
lover's hands turned to fists

lost in a liquor haze
lies like a one night stand
mutual attraction of mundane ideals
forbidden words whispered in defiance
of social, cultural, family expectations
beneficial partnerships lacking soul
money, money, money, money
sensual *** without a second thought
bodies viewed as replaceable objects
experiments of genders one or two
big and small, thin and wide
lips to lips to lips
bravado or a bet, charisma
another one added to the tally

or

the feeling of falling and knowing there is a net
of giving ones whole being without a second thought
living for another, living like each ay could be its last
time spent apart seems like millennia
that fabled, sought after kiss - transcending time
the fabled sought after touch - one that reaches the core
a thousand diamonds could not rival the beauty
the brilliance, the acceptance of flaws and all
emotions not meant for this lifetime alone
but to traverse the ages, written about
talked about, wished upon, searched after
understanding these four letters for all their worth

can we?
can we imagine love?

Here's one shot for giving up 
And one more for giving in
Without a fight
When nicotine and alcohol
Can't dull the sense of the end
Trying to win with a losing hand
The cards I've been dealt never stack
Quite as high as the sky
The stars look so bright alone
That empty space magnified
Do we know that we're truly alone
Or does it take the bitter taste
Of one more rejection
To cross the line
A photo finish that no one read
Care is a concern for the snowy trees
The mysteries of life hold nothing
For an ant like me
Grind me under your heel
Grind me, a nuisance with my heart
Left longing for what
I look for answers in the moving train cars
But the perspective is only a blur
Colors flash by in meaningless shapes
To love or to live
That is the question my dear
With only one answer
And it is nothing, nothing that these ringing ears
Want to hear
The burning bridge can only moan
Under the weight of this heavy soul
Weighed down with too many years
Of beating half empty
The blood is oxygenated
Sparkling wine will only go so far
Before the chill sets in
Marlboro 27 specials kiss my lips
And lead me down this path
One step closer to death
If only I could inhale
You

There will never be a ******* the beach
For a guy like me, to absorbed in self doubt
To truly live a life filled with adventure
Yet I sit here and smoke another cigarette
In the hopes that it will somehow change my future
Yet the spirals of smoke mean nothing to eyes
That cannot decipher the future in tea leaves
I am powerless to change this slump that I reside in
A king of a decaying kingdom
A knight with no armor
Pierce my lungs my heart my eyes my soul
And let me bleed to peace in death
I eat unicorns

eyes closed as clouds burn through
this sunset dream
will you remember me
when the unforgiving dawn breaks
and these speeding
                                       p u l s i n g
electro beats
pause to allow our hearts to beat
rhythmic thumping inside our chests
that never seems to be noticed
until that quiet moment when the moon sets
yet how we realize
these mechanical machines
of pistons springs and gears made flesh
only run on sunlight sugar and love
we still know that we were meant to fly above
our minds that wander free
to this forrest of electricity
rave baby rave where the drugs flow free
and i can forget my ineffectivity
with the ladies that move so slow to the beat
and my body feels nothing but
the moving grinding heat
that scorches my mind and burns through my soul
i felt yo move int he depths of it all
and it felt like love at the first taste of a kiss
that brought our lips closer in paper thin bliss
and in that one moment that passage of time
i had nothing left except the thoughts in my mind
of neon dreams made real in the lights
that these cheap bic lighters lit up the night

I**

smoked a cigarette
to the sight of the sunrise
thought of our time on this
earth and how it flies

by in a big rush
a never stopping stream
leaving us little time
to live, fight for, and dream

of a brand new day
wait. stop. or a year
instead focusing on every
flaw, secret, fear

of living too little
to pick up a cause
commercial causing consumer
to overwhelmed to pause

this hectic game we call
a required rat race
we're to scared to be
afraid of "first place"

to think that maybe
a life full of money
a life full of stress
is not sweet as honey

maybe we're meant for
more than just this
life of working up a ladder
of a meaningless list

maybe we should live
how we want to be
ourselves as our own
rebel, be happy, be free

...

**** the sun's up
i gotta bus i can't miss
another unfortunate piece
in the meaningless list
...still trying to break out
i'm left to do naught but reminisce

You would have me play their games
conform to their ideals
take their tests and obey
obey their wishes obey their authority
You would have me forfeit my
individuality, essence, mind, soul
you would wish me to walk
the walk of the waking dead
open eyes unseeing, open ears deafened
by their voices, ranting, raving, gibbering
salivating, drooling, gnashing their teeth
in anticipation of consuming my
hopes, dreams, morals, conscience

but

I refuse you and your lies
I refuse to be one of the flock
I refuse to be subjugated
I refuse your will
I refuse to live how you see fit
I refuse to passively accept your burdens and your problems
I AM ME I AM MYSELF AND I AM I
You will never lay claim to me
**I REFUSE

a trip through the river of time
swimming against the inexorable current
impossible except in the realm of memories
transcending the physical boundaries
that keep us anchored to this world
i am free when i can float above you
but i will never be able to change
those decisions that were made, the choices
that could have been, or were never there
i can only look on with regret at those days
that i failed to live, on those days wasted
i will never be 16 again, i will never kiss you
i will never go to that concert, i will never see
as clearly as i do now what i took for granted...
...memories - a fond reminder of the past
...memories - a shard of glass in my heart
...memories - will you ever let me sleep?

i wonder if its bad to hate that im to grounded
that  i cant burn like fire
that i cant hurt myself
that i cant love like i used to
on the outside im fine
on the inside im cold and hard as ice
waiting for fire to burn through
and when i melt will there
be anything left of me?
or will i disappear into
the ether? why cant i 
feel?
is it bad that i
want to hurt myself
want to flip
want *** with no strings attached
want to burn out my lungs with a cigarette
want to take a shot and drown out my memories
want to do it all and hate myself because 
i cant
wont
im too grounded
i feel equally guilty and self hate
guilty because so many need my grounding, should have my grounding
self hate because i want to be just like them
but i cant do
it i dont
have the
courage
the ability to just let go and lose my mind, my barriers
i hate how i stop myself
i hate how i cant follow through
i hate myself for all the wrong reasons

a hollow glass heart
filled with the blood
of all your past loves
beats with the sound
of crystal breaking
fragile to view
yet harder than diamonds
deceiving - danger where
beauty is known to
haunt my soul
red turned to the darkest
black, a whirlpool inescapable
by all who have fallen under
your spell, none leave
unscathed, most leave
broken and empty
shells of humanity
flirting with you
akin to placing my
mind in the jaws of a jackal
razor teeth hidden behind
luscious, soft, lips

pain brought on by an apathetic existence
a desire to taste chaos in the flesh
i ***** my soul, dredged from the depths
as death rises, creaking - a gory deity
from my shattered, broken back
gnashes it's filthy, cracked teeth
this barbed, twisted creature rears it's ugly head
as guttural growls wrench free from a torn
throat - wracked with convulsions, sickeningly
sheds a blood and gristle carapace
reborn into rot, steaming flesh sloughs
from it's face to reveal an impossible amount
of needle-like teeth, stretched into a wicked grin
slowly, like creeping mold, the mouth opens
and regurgitated from it's putrid depths...
...a single beautiful butterfly - spun from the
finest gold, inlaid with the most vibrant precious gems
floating on the whisper of a breeze, it lands
on my empty eyes and begins to feast

i know you're in his arms
breath on your neck
a gentle kiss
and the thought of it's
wrecking me

as you look into his eyes
was it worth the sweat
my unrequited paramour
i mean it in the dearest way

i've never felt our bodies touch
yet my mind can trace your curves
from lips to hips then hips to lips
a sideline show - waiting
alone on the dance floor

for the glance that once came my way
a moment wasted
an opportunity slipped
from my fingertips
into his open arms

courage my empty angel
id take you used
tattered and torn
and make you mine

let's make something beautiful
only to watch it burn
****
         and
                 forget  
one night, we were one
in the not so distant future
a second chance to make it true

where is the girl for me?
quirky fantasy broken
a piece to the puzzle that doesn't fit
infront of my eyes?
or never to be found
in this sea of humanity
solitude, self inflicted
to the extent that she's not for me
will i always have unrealistic expectations
that will remain unfulfilled
a media dream
product of countless late night stories
to be to exist
in this sphere
where no distance
is far enough away
to stop the ache in my chest
to cease the pounding behind my eyes
a facade
please tear down these cheerful walls
please fill the space between my fingers
please please please please
an empty cry to a nonexistent deity
is it my fate to be alone
no answer on the blowing wind
"silence"

a halo of expanding hopes, dreams, and life

a crimson teardrop, tribute to the fallen one's strife

encircles the head of an angel without wings

a splash of color to these dark streets it brings



porcelain skin, cold as the night's bitter kiss

spiderwebbed with cracks, seeping cool mist

this angel was once a most beautiful thing

bright cut emerald eyes, hair black like raven's wing



the angel in past had lived, loved, and laughed

how tragic this scene, that it could not last

for the angel dreamed flying, to touch the moon

but these dreams awoke jealousy, plotting, and doom



you see, in the city where this angel did live
i
t was mechanical, heartless, and did not forgive

run by the hateful human machine who could not fly

confined to the earth in a rage it would cry



"who is this angel to be different from us?!"

hate did consume it like mechanical rust

it sought a way to grind her into the gears of the machine

"since she is not like us, we'll **** her will to dream"



with that they commenced to wicked dark things

captured the angel and cut off her wings

broken and torn, they left the angel to the dust

content to proclaim "she is now just like us"



but the angel could never assume human form

unable to fly, she could not weather this storm

the moon in the night sky, silver and fair

taunted her mind, dreams turned to nightmare



confined to the ground, humanity rotted her mind

great beauty now gone, with decay left behind

lost to the madness, driven to the edge

the angel, a mere shadow, stepped to the ledge



porcelain skin, cold as the night's bitter kiss

spiderwebbed with cracks, seeping cool mist

the angel looked to the moon, once loved, in the sky

stepped forth, and though wingless, for a moment could fly



for though the hateful human machine

had taken her will to live, love, and dream

it could never break her call to be free

the angel found an escape from this cruel place to be

a chance on the breeze
scented vanilla and honey
turns sour in my eyes my heart
aches with the weight of this world
atlas! spare me this burden
my shoulders are breaking
my spine is collapsing
and the ground is crumbling beneath
my feet
ye gods old and new
answer my whispered prayers
in torment i raise my face to the
beautiful heavens and weep
for the human condition
a vulture circles my head
a halo of never ending sunlight
starlight bright is its gaze
i search for the cool comfort of the moon
while my heart beats beats beating
hollow in my empty breast
pagan am i
heathen of the altar
i sacrificed my first born to the
unfeeling elite to consume my shell
of being
there is no rest for these weary feet
blistered and bleeding i follow
this path to the cavernous abyss
to the cave to the comforting darkness
of illusions wrought with fire and
shadows
and as these chains clap shut on
my wrists and ankles and mind i am
no longer afraid
i join the fold and stare vacant
from empty eyes dead and dreaming

the spiraling smoke flows past
your tongue and caresses your lips
floating up on warm breath
to temporarily obscure emerald eyes
then twists and turns to form a halo
round your bright blonde hair