i don't want to fall
asleep tonight
not since i've been
dreaming like this

kidnapped
wrapped in plastic
shrink wrap
and forced to chew
on razorblades

last night i was
in jail but it might
have been a mental institute
halfway locked up
halfway on parole
hiding the fact
i had to be back in
my barred room
before the clock
struck noon

i don't want to fall
asleep tonight
even if i leave
the light on

some feelings now
have faded
like the tears and
panic i washed off

but others remain
still the urge to
cry and still the stings
where i am hurt

i am no longer
a child
but my sleeves
tell me i am vulnerable
and immature
seeking attention
and never think
about anyone's feelings
but my own

my sleeves tell me
i am selfish

and i want to cry
for if those things
were really true
i think hurting
myself would be low
on my list of priorities
and instead i would go
after targets less close
to the center of my
regrets

hurt and violate others
people i won't have to
see every day
for the rest of my life

but there they are
cuts and scratches
i'll keep to myself
trying not to be selfish

seek immediate emergency help
if you are hearing voices
having urges to hurt yourself
or feeling suicidal

but emergency help
won't always help

you can't call a hotline
in the middle of lunch
can't leave your job for a
week while you're in the hospital

can't stop everything
just because the thoughts
that follow you around don't
quiet to a dull roar

the dishes must be done
even if the knives are screaming
to be used on skin
the medications must be taken
every morning and not
swallowed in handfuls

the dog must be walked
leash attached to the collar
and not wrapped around your neck
and showers need to be taken
even while you feel yourself
drowning under waves of
things you do not understand
and emotional hurricanes that
threaten to destroy your cities

the world must keep turning
as you keep resisting

and you
must
keep
resisting

please
keep resisting

i can't say the fog will
someday lift and leave a
golden vista every morning
for the rest of your life

but i promise
it might be worth your
pain to find out that
some days are distinctly
lighter shades of gray
even when it rains

you could knock
me over with a
puff of smoke

you know why
i've had a headache
in my sinuses
for three days?

it's from forcing
tears to
stay
up there

you could knock
me over with a
puff of smoke
but please don't

i hate
feeling
this way

weak

weak

weak

i feel
weak ******

like you could
knock me over
with a puff of smoke
and i wouldn't
be able to
get back up

and i hate
feeling
this way

worn down
like an old
washcloth
more holes
than fabric
begging
to be
ripped in half

weak
if i open my
mouth to
speak
i will be
drowned
out in my
own sobs

wanted to believe
i was strong
as strong as
any man out there
but if i can't even
speak how can
i possibly be
that strong?

weak
my body is tired
my mind is tired
my emotions are tired
and worst of all
i'm weak

and you could
knock me over
with a puff of smoke
and i will break

*i hate feeling
weak ******

there is a thin
layer of grease
over everything
that i touch

yet the skin over
my knuckles is
dry and red
lips cracked

i try and try
and try but
never manage
to be enough

maybe they put hate
in the cleaner
i soak my retainer in
because i feel it
every time
my teeth clench

i know your name
your order your
lunchtime nuances
about your dogs
grandchildren
your job and house
little useless details
about what makes
everyone in this town
who they are

but you don't
know me
and neither
do i

give us this day our daily
emotional breakdown
and forgive us our
blackout binges
as we forgive those who
starve themselves for perfection

and lead us not into
inherited obesity
deliver us from
the mental ward

FOR THERE IS SO
MUCH ******
BREAD IN THIS
HOUSE I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE

on mlk day i shut my eyes
and see scenes of
squishy white rolls and
pats of margarine

bread
leaden
deadened
feeling in my stomach

i can't eat any
more bread

but here it is
in baskets and
coolers in
toasters and
cupboards

my daily bread
made to sustain me
but turned into
the enemy

deliver me
from risen
yeast in
third degrees

a flour coated
tyranny
mind control
through sesame

swallowing
emotions
down
down
down

quietly settles
until spring
somewhere between
my hope and skin

you can see me
smile and stand
straight and tall
but what you can't see
is this shouldn't be
my body at all

*give us this day
our daily bread
and give us the strength
to chew meat instead

and i pray
someday
the pain
behind
your eyes
eases

that peace fades
your scars

and your heart
finds hope

dear friend
i pray someday

you learn
to live
without fighting
yourself
and the fog
lifts

but until then
i pray

here's to hoping
i keep coping
or maybe just sleep
all this away!