Ever since I was young,
I wanted to grow up to be a cigarette
Because it was the only thing my father could never let go of.
Something he could always show off.
And Be proud of.

Ever since I was young
I wanted to grow up to be a cigarette
But I was nothing more than just your ash tray
How you would dump me on the floor
You swore I was nothing important to you ...

Wait...
Wait now, ash
Sit back
Relax
Don't forget to breathe, if the smoke doesn't get to you first
And picture yourself sitting on the side of the street again
That day
You fell on your knees
And realized there was no one there to help you get back up.
With tears in your eyes, you saw a cloud of smoke arrive but it floated right passed you.
This desparate want that I had was just a feud
But phew!
I knew it was something I would eventually get through.
I guess, after all, you just really really wanted to be the cancer to my cigarette.

The night you asked me out for the first time,
I was so happy, I locked myself in my room and danced my heart away.
Now, let me just say:
I am NOT a dancer.
But for me, you were always the answer.
When I'd scroll through my contacts in need of someone to talk to
You were the only one who actually answered.
You were the Adam to my Belle
Until the beast in you showed
But... I could tell you had an acute schizophrenic episode
And even though it made you lash out in an aggressive way
We both knew it was only going to be another repetitive movement
And you still had to work on self-improvement
And I still cared about you!
Because of that one rainy day
You slipped and fell
You felt like you were going through hell but while everyone walked by you, I was the one who helped you get back on your feet.

Then I realized.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
It's learning to dance in the rain."
And with Florida's weather, that's a lesson you just have to learn because
The night you asked me out for the first time
I was so happy, I locked myself in my room and danced my heart away
Because I had given to you.

This deafening dead air has never left my side.
After a while, I couldn't speak anymore
Breathing became a difficulty that it left my throat sore
This parasite that had entered my body only put me in danger
I was its host.
Its target.
Its purpose for ambition.
When it happened to be the purpose of this penumbra upon my heart that's now disintegrated
However, this turn of events that occurred before my very eyes just so happened to be a big flash of light because within a matter of seconds after you being in my sight for the first time, all my issues had just seemed to have disappeared.
I was left speechless...

Look me in the eyes and tell me you love me.*
Though, hours go by and I realize how I'm forever hung up on you.
You make it seem as though your heart is miles away from me
That it's so far out of my grasp
I extend my arm out to reach for it
When you use it to pull me closer to you
Sticks and stones may break your bones
But words broke your heart.
And I receive the result of your pain
As I lie down, I try and I try but only die a little bit inside while repeatedly asking myself, "Why won't he say it to me if he feels the need to?"
You know that I will never hurt you
But I guess no one has ever had an easy time believing that when heard.
Your actions show love but the cat got your tongue.
I promise you, its not dumb
Now my heart's numb but never enough to stop loving you.
So all I need you to do is: *Look me in the eyes and tell me you love me too.

28** bolts of pain
Pelting my body instantaneously.
Attacking every inch left of me, for I am gradually torn into pieces.
Bit by bit.
***** by *****.
28 tear drops to trickle down my skin.
My happiness now trimmed so short it's practically gone
28 rolls of tape to mend the remains of my broken heart.
More than 28 times we said "I love you" and "we'll never be apart."
But now you're not breathing
Your heart stopped beating
Blood stopped running
And now I'm running to the cemetery to visit you,
My loving grandfather.
My mom screams too,
But there's not much left to do but wait for heaven to once again be with you.

The voices inside my head are taking over.
These u-u-uncontrollable quirks I have.
My eyes twitch as many times as a heart beats after doing a triathlon.
In my head of runs a marathon of thoughts that don't belong,
things I can't do because they're wrong.
Within my blood stream flows 1.26 grams of dopamine given to me by doctors who don't know how to fix my situation,
only mix prescriptions to intensify vexation. Pharmacists eyeball me fearingly because I appear to be nothing but someone with chemicals wandering around into the little bit of a brain I have left.
Serotonin to regulate my mood, appetite, and sleep but I still only wish for all of this to be nothing but a dream.
All of this making my intestines mutilate, slowly dying inside as if I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Otherwise known as I.B.S. but I know for a fact that this is all just a bunch of B.S.
My enterochromaffin cells may just burst, I am often told.
If only I could tell what was real from what was fake.
For I also have A.D.H. - whoa! What's that?!
Sorry, where was I?
Oh. Tourettes Syndrome.
I guess I just twitch it off.
Maybe these are all figures of my imagination from the hallucinogens.
Who knows?
After all, I am a schizophrenic.