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 Aug 2014 Ashley Conradie
Carley
And after you told me I wasn't as beautiful
I was terrified
All I saw in the mirror was a monster
A horribly ugly monster
I couldn't let anyone love me
I couldn't let myself feel beautiful
Because you,
The one I was ready to give everything to,
Didn't want me anymore.
So I hid
And old habits came back with vengeance.
-CsR
In the moonlit-park,
I caught snow, falling.

It melted away within my palm;
I feel its freezing moments.

I hit a young butterfly,
flying over my delicious cake.

my kid crushed it down,
and tears touched my cheeks.

I snared a sparrow on the roof;
It passed away in the cage.

we buried it at the door,
and I cry to see its grave.

they **** tigers and their springs.
no regret, no cry, no tear!

is the modern heart a hard stone
or they have thrown away humanity?
 Aug 2014 Ashley Conradie
Roshnai
Would you know fear if you swallowed it?
It's like eating off death in bits, only you're alive but you feel it;
It's the bellows of craving that want to screech through your throat
And as you ache, you accept- what you don't want but you've come to need.

An intrusion, a love crime, a you.

Would you know poison as you breathed it?
It's like inspiring a monoxide, only it chokes but you like it.
It's the hunger for catharsis that only comes with pain,
As you embrace that this can destroy you- and you need it to.

Because I do.
It's the only way I feel about you.
Some people
Go through their entire lives
Not living
Breathing, yes
Surviving, yes
But not living
Not ever knowing the joys and sorrows
Of first loves
Not ever understanding the tragedy that comes
From a broken heart
Or the inexplicable amount of euphoria
That comes from listening to music
But not just listening to it
Feeling it course through their body
Like the blood in their veins
Some people
Go through their entire lives
Without feeling
And that
Is the tragedy of surviving
(Old poem)
 Aug 2014 Ashley Conradie
Akemi
You remind me
of months of loneliness;
an ache I held dearly
between the crooked ribs of my memory.

Cracked open, I could find you nestled,
shrouded in hazel locks.
Your lungs breathless in awe,
bones and dead tissue.

I watch the freckles on your skin evaporate,
dissipate, evade my glance.
You remind me of loss, love and heartbreak;
hopelessness.
4:08am, August 4th 2014

I don't think I'll ever understand the phrase "let it go". Every moment of the past defines you. How could anyone be so foolish to forget that?
I do not believe morality exists as a scale. Benevolent acts do not resolve you of the malevolent. They both exist independent of one another. No matter how much good you do, you will have still done the bad.
The spiteful acts of my past drive me to become a better person. I may be a changed man now, but I'll never let that past cruelty out of my sight. It has defined me, and it will continue to define me.
I wish I could go back to before I had felt love
The deep insatiable longing
A hole that could only be filled by another person
The certainty of a better emotion

Now I know that finding love does not fill holes
Sometimes it makes more of them
And I feel emptier than I did before
Because I know that I have to fill them

But I’m not sure with what
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