I bleed and I purge,
Because when I do
More leeves my body and my soul
Than just blood and *****.
The white blood cells cannot
Fight off my self hatred
Your hatred
The lies
The insecurities
The words anyone ever said
Everything I've ever heard
Ever over heard.
The bruises I get from you all might vanish
But they poison my blood.
And every meal I eat with anyone,
And with myself
It is poison.
I bleed out thousands of pounds.
I regurgitate the words I heard
As you held me down on that pool table at the party
And as you showed up drunk to my basketball game when I was 13
And as all of you stood outside my door bashing me.

But it's all a virus.
I can't get rid of all of it,
And everything multiplies.
It grows.
It fills me up
And it's why I'm so big.

Summer lies while river rats gnaw on posts
weathered from the reverence tides.
Hunching over limestone slate,
picture ******-eyed states of the caricatures.

Loss of limbs in dissociative fugue.
St. Anthony's fire up along the coast.
Ergot Dreams: Such splendid things!

Waking up in a pool with callosum yarns
spinning words of concern.
And i've come so close
time and time
to find the pinhole tube light.

Words keep seeping out,
I hear my mother holding me here.
Frozen solid.
Stuck in a cot.
Letting the little ******* off his chain just to
hear him stream

How many lives to burn in the ecclesia pyre
while jesus sweeps the remainders
off to sea?

Maybe I have died again,
living in this ferrous skin.
Seeded fledgling after all.

I am filled with cancer.
An endless senseless sensorium
rather than anything tangible.

Take it all through glass liquid flashes
of an extant place
that lives inside.

Why?

and I come back
and everything's sick
and all that matters
is crumbling slowly
so so slowly
that I no longer know that
it is

But hey, on a bright note,
I wrote today.

5 years ago

A 13 year old girl awoke
Thinking that everything
Was as it always had been
But still, something didn't feel right

5 years ago

The shock of it all
Numbed the 13 year old girl
She walked around in a daze
Everyday was the same

5 years ago

The flowers piled up
The condolences overwhelmed
The 13 year old girl
Just wanted everything to stop

5 years ago

All the problems started
The selfharm; depression
The 13 year old girl
Turned to thoughts of letting go

5 years ago

On exactly this day
I, a 13 year old girl awoke
But everything was not okay
Nothing felt right

5 years later

An 18 year old girl
Grieves the loss of her mother
A 46 year old woman
Who died suddenly

Exactly 5 years ago

Sometimes
I search through my mind
Trying to reach
My deepest thoughts.
All I can find,
Every mistake,
Chances never taken,
Things I regret.

What is life after all?
We walk around in circles,
Sometimes with no purpose,
And what is it for?

What do we take?
What do we keep?
What do we loose?

Nothing at all,
Or everything we want,
But what is it?
What do we want?

What is life after all?