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This is performance art of the worst kind,
And the artists are performing against their will,
Trapped in glass boxes, pounding on the walls,
Screaming at ghosts

They mime at passersby for help,
Anything to relieve the pain,
The interminable burden,
Strangers sadly shrug and walk on

And so these ****** souls
Toil away at their craft,
Scribbling nonsense on bits of scrap,
Trying to fill the void
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
It's 2 am
And something familiar inside me spreads its wings
And ***** drunkenly against the windowpanes,
The ceiling fan
The moldings.
It
Wants
OUT
And I do not know how to tell it
There is no out.

It's you, isn't it?

No, it can't be, you can't linger like this.
Not safe-
You are not allowed
In here.
You are not allowed to snare me in beauty and complexities and answers
And make me feel.
I'm not sure you know
But
Your words stick around after you have gone.
They course through me, filling up my bones
And try to force their way back out through my skin
My fingertips
My lungs.
And I try
To be still.

Something about who you are upsets the balance of me
And the thing I have learned to cage stretches and begins to press out,
Having heard the echoes of permission to exist.

I've swallowed a thunderstorm like a pill
And it has seeped into every vein and capillary
And made it all chaotic and full of motion.
My skeleton hums and vibrates like a struck tuning fork.
I am aware of the power in me and it demands release
And I have no answer for it
Like always.

I have no answer for you,
Go back to sleep.
Your screams would break my bones
Your song would still my heart
Your embrace would crumble me to dust.
I have no answer for you,
For if you emerge we are both finished.


It shudders.

I shudder.

And all of me except my body rises up an inch
And crashes back down like the tide.

I think of how I always end up painting with my fingers
No matter how many brushes I have
Because I need to feel the colors.
I think of holding hands briefly
As a child
With a beautiful, silent marble statue in the museum
And enduring the rebuke for wanting to feel its skin.
I think of the moment before a kiss, when I'm so close I can feel the heat of her lips
And how I have to pause there and let that moment smolder
Even though it adds to a longing that will not diminish with contact
Only grow.

Whatever lives in here with me writhes and reaches for the inky black windows and the whitewashed fields beyond.

I think of Ellen wiping her friend's tears away with her thumb- a tenderness I'd never seen in my life until then.
I think of pressing Therese's palm to my cheek and wishing with all my heart that I could give her every breath I'd ever taken.
I think of you kissing the scars of a girl you didn't know.

The idea of it
That unnameable moment of rising
Undoes something inside me
And the house fills up from the basement to the eaves with what I can't rein in.
It consumes me, it drowns me.
I forget where the surface is.
I forget that there is a surface.
I leave the house and fill the sky,
My fingers sifting through the cold velvet of night
Desperately searching for an answer,
For an assurance that, somewhere, this longing has a limit
And will not engulf the universe with its agony of feeling,
Forever hungry to the point of pain.

I find no edge.
Is this freedom? Is this the last moment?
Is it
Supposed
To hurt?

And then
Just as suddenly
It all returns to me at once
Slams into my chest
And my temples itch with electricity:
Once again I hold the tension of every wish I never dared to speak.

Resigned,
I turn out the light.
"She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something." - Eleanor & Park
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
You say
Get angry.
Well
If I get angrier
It will poison me.
Too loud,
Too much,
Too needy,
Too fragile,
Too raw.
Be quiet,
Be better,
Be reasonable,
Be mature,
Be gracious,
Be
Sorry.
I am so angry that tears do no good.
I am so angry that violence
Does no good.
I am so angry that lungs
Do no good.
If I were to cry enough to match the heat of my rage
I would boil.
If I were to hit as hard as I hurt
I would crack open the earth and crawl inside
Tear out its heart and swallow it
And the pressure of my fury would press it into a pebble.
If I were to scream loud enough to dull my thoughts
The glass would blow out in stabbing shards
From every window and revolving door
And melt in molten pools into the soil.
This body
Is not durable enough
For this soul.
I know it. I have seen.
It is like living in a china doll.
I can break it just by breathing.
How is it that somebody can speak
And a rib snaps?
A decision made
And blood wells?
I am sick
And I cannot tell if my disease is my mind
Or my stupid,
Listless,
Hopelessly inadequate casing.
I burn through it like acid,
And it suffers and complains
And I have grown so **** tired of hearing its
Aches and pains,
Its needs,
Its failings and betrayals.
I have been cruel to it and it has been cruel to me
For we are a poor match
But we are all there is
And all there has ever been
And I beg it to work with me
And it begs me to be different
Just like everybody else does
Just like I
Beg me to be different.
But I'm not.
I am this
And I can't help but think that maybe there is a chance
That I can expand
That I can reach out through these eyes
And touch something.
The world is so delightfully raw
And I can't tell
When I reach for it
If it recoils
Or if I do.
You have told me to be angry.
Has it ever occurred to you
That my vulnerability was learned?
That my weakness was imposed?
That my kindness only exists
Because of how horribly
Horribly angry I am?
If I could emerge from this...thing
I would touch the ground and level every city for a hundred miles
If I could be what I am
I would destroy everything I looked upon
Not through any malice
But through simple release
Because it is my nature, my way.
Earthquakes are not good or evil.
Fire, lightning. They do not discriminate.
They only touch
And things happen.
I could touch
And things would happen.
This body is my restraining order.
My reminder to control myself
My rebuke for my craving to be vast
My constant and insincere apology.
This body and I,
We don't hate one another,
We are just opposites. We are just two things
That destroy each other.
It is so fragile and light
And I watch from inside
Snarling
I watch and people pity me
People abuse me
People underestimate me
People
Force
Me.
I quietly let them condemn me for the covering I wear
Because I know nothing else.
It is an agony, to never be seen.
It is a punishment I have been searching for reasons for.
And yet when the light has touched me, and I have been truth
Whenever I have been witnessed in full
I have been loathed with such vitriolic venom that
My poor little shell quaked
Pale and skittering
My small white hands fluttered like moths immolating themselves in the flames of my heart
Too foolish or too mad
To resist their craving for warmth even when it turns them to ash.
You try it
You try
Taking a risk
When you know that your nine lives are down to one
You try flying
When you've got moth wings and the breath of a phoenix.
There is something
Burning
In here
And I've never wanted anything more than to show it to the world
Except to live
Except to continue
And so I hesitate.
You tell me to be angry.
You don't know what you are speaking to.
I have worn this body not like armor but like glass
And it has carried me like a ticking time bomb
But if I know one thing
And honestly
Just now
I only do
If I know one thing
It is that, like the sun,
Even if I am scalding hot with chaos and held together by fear
Even if I am, after all, untouchable
I will always rise.
Title is a quote from Andrea Gibson's poem "I Sing The Body Electric, Especially When My Power Is Out"
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
I wandered late, but I was not alone:
The Night walked with me
Like a black hound
With eyes of rainwater-starlight,
And breath in misty plumes.

The church loomed, hulking, in the dark,
For in my fragility I sought some solace there-
To be alone in a place where faith rang like music,
Perhaps the echoes of believers would seep into me
And slow my pulse
And lend me a scrap of comfort that I didn't own...
There is something sacred about a silent place
In which hundreds of people have sat and allowed themselves
To feel,
And I believe in that, if not in God.

Halfway to tears, I tried the door
But it was locked.
And the belated certainty that it always had been
Settled over me like a lead blanket,
And I sat, shivering, on the steps.
And my companion-
Now a hot, solid form of shifting bones and sinew-
Whined his sympathies,
Curled around me
And laid his massive head
Upon my knee.
(Yes, the black dog is a folklore reference to Hellhounds.)
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
I am
Eve.
It is my task
To sample the fruit,
To romance the serpent,
To
Fall.
It is my task
To corrupt.

I am
Eve.
It is my duty to be pure.
My burden
Is skin
Is shame
Is
Pleasure.
It is my charge
To be a symbol,
To be a statue--
Smooth, perfect marble
Cold and unmoldable.

But
My flesh
Gives
Under fingers.
My smoothness
Has heat.
Has breath.
Has
Blood.

I am
Eve.
It is my calling
To be a paradigm.
Still and quiet as a
Painting or mural
Which can be pointed to
And admired.
It is my role.
I am something
To aspire to.
Something to acquire.
Something to
Protect.

I am
Eve.
It is my destiny
To disappoint.
It is my fate
To fail.
It is my study
To ******.

I have been to trial
By power.
It is my crime
To burn the garden.
It is my obligation
To be
Deceived.

I am Eve.
And I am
Unprepared.
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
You have left no footprints here.

Many shoes have scuffed these gleaming hallways dull,
Gauche and mudcaked, large and echoing and
Careless.
Many hands have scrawled initials on these walls, invasive.
Gouged ownership into wooden panels with small, coarse blades
Pulled from pockets.

It is true that dust has lain in drifts
In silence
On every surface of my heart
For so long that the wings of a trapped moth could create
Snow angels and murmuring hieroglyphs along the window ledge,
The lightest sigh kick up a sandstorm on any landing,
The flickering of a single candleflame expel eddies of powdery currents to settle in concentric ripples, like the whispering chiffon skirts of a ballerina crumpling to curtsy.

It is true, as well, that every morning I fling wide the doors
And let the light in,
But light has no fingers, no arms or heartbeat,
No
Breath,
And when it fades
Leaves not a trace.

Evidence of past trespassers lies strewn,
Enshrined in a large, beautiful mausoleum with sparkling windows and
Total silence.
I took your hand and led you down each hallway,
Showed you the aging murals and
The haunted rooms--
Places where shutters slam of their own accord
And faces besides one's own inhabit mirrors--
Waltzed with you in the grand, shrouded foyer,
Sang to you sitting on the eaves in the starlight
But never once
Did I leave you to your own devices.

Not an heirloom did I let you leave your fingerprints upon,
And wherever I led you
Not a breath stirred--
The solid, blue stillness remained,
A former time trapped in glass
Catching and releasing tricks of light to mimic movement,
And only I spoke, only I sang, only I
Waltzed.
Only my footfalls echoed
And only my shadow soared,
For as long as I touched you
You could never touch
Me;
Paper thin, a refraction from the other side
A ring of crystal whose echo would ****** into
That inevitable quiet, so rich and heavy
Like the dust adorned velvet drapes I draw
Each night and peel back at daybreak.

Like a forest preserved,
Only light enters here
And only images leave.
The beaten paths have been
Abused
But only those who made them may change any:
The rest are only visitors, who take nothing but breaths
And leave nothing but silence,
Who **** nothing but time
Although they may hurl stones
And stir up no dust whatsoever,
Regardless of their flailing passions.

Many loves have scarred this heart,
Burnt names in lists
Into the railings and stair treads so that I may touch nothing without feeling the remembered heat.
Many souls have lit this hall with sacred gold
And bounced their laughter off the beams.

But your name
When spoken
Fell like a shadow on the floor,
Grasping feebly at a few dreamy dust motes illuminated by an errant shaft of sunlight
Before fluttering into silence.
Many names make this heart
A temple and a
Tomb
But yours
Is not among their number--

Another day is ended,
Another sun is set,
And you
Have left no footprints here.
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
I'm going to create for you
A hundred thousand stars
Stuck here on earth like pinned butterflies.
I'm going tear them free of their frames
And leave, in their absence, white spaces stamped on the age-yellowed wall
That's been just waiting for someone to break
All that prison glass.
I'm going to uncrucify those pure silver shimmering constellations
And send them shooting through the sky
And they will shatter everyone's heart who dares to glance up,
And even they will not express the exquisite joy of being unmade-
The ecstatic, mad exhilaration of the thought of you.
I am going to make you a constellation.
I am going to make you an angel.
No,
I am going to make you God
And Satan too.
I am going to make you everyone I've ever met
And everyone I've ever wished I could meet but didn't have the words
To pray for.

I am going to search for you
In every face I ever see
And anything I find there of you will strike a spark so dazzling it blinds.
And everywhere those people walk they will set fires
And all the tourist maps in their flimsy metal racks will burn with avenues and crossplaces of light
And the world over will be stretched across with searing cords that cut the paths you've touched
And everybody will know that their city streets are threaded through with hot silver because you
Looked at me.

I'm going to make you the exact moment
When the lightning hits the tree,
The only moment of its life that it truly feels,
And the last.

That devastating
And that perfect.

I am going to make you the white hot slow burn of desert sand in the bleaching sun
That purifying
And I am going to make you the sweet relief of rain seeping into the earth,
That vital.

I know what you are.
I know your limitations.

I strip you of them.

You've nowhere to hide.
I am going to make the thought of you into a living flame.
I am going to think of every second you have ever taken a breath-
Every
Single
One
-
As a revolution
As a rising sun
As art.

I am going to love you with the same level of desire that every living thing has ever felt
For its continued existence.
And there is not
A **** thing you can do to stop me.
 Dec 2014 Arlene Bozich
Mikaila
I am electric.
All the time I feel it
Sparking just under my skin.
Sometimes it settles like static,
And sometimes it rages like lightning.
But I am always too small for it.
It doesn't live in me
It consumes me
It becomes me.
I feel, therefore I am,
And it is great and terrible.
God was a child,
With a fork in an electrical socket
And I became.
Sometimes someone will try to know it all
Try to be the one who holds all of it
And wonders about nothing.
I have learned that people who try to define me
Burn.
I have learned that being near me
Pulls emotion from them
Magnetically
And that in my purest form
I am neither good nor bad
But I am most certainly
Dangerous.
Electricity doesn't discriminate
It flows.
It's easy to be too much
When there's no end to you.
Slowly, I learned to step back,
To pull away.
There is not a little shame in knowing you can fry someone
By accident.
But no matter what,
I will make your hair stand up.
I don't mangle people,
But I at least leave them with a distinct feeling of strangeness,
Like having the tree right across the yard from you get struck by lightning
And feeling the hum.
It is a fascinating, unsettling, addictive feeling,
And I've seen people lust for it
And I've seen them flee from it
Headlong.
I've held back my fingertips
Unwilling to make them stay by shock treatment.
I have met people who were
Walking dead
And I have shoved them backward
With both hands
And heard a heartbeat restart.
I have met people who reached for me
Like a child for the hot element on a stovetop
And found exactly the same surprise and pain.
I have known people who
Stand close enough to singe their hair
And hold their palms up to thaw something inside them
That has gone cold as ice.
And I have known people whose fingertips
Drew all the lightning to them
And left glorious, hot scars on my skin
Handprints that never cool.
I have short circuited
Looking into eyes that pulled every molecule of me
Charged
Into my beating heart and made me a dying star
Folding in on myself.
I come with a warning label
Because I shout hazard signs
To anyone who will listen.
I try to be gentle
But being high voltage is as much a high
As it is a burden.
I can **** or resurrect, depending only on the direction of the wind that day.
I can light you up
Or I can ******* you
And I don't ever know which it will be.
I am so alive that I can't hold it in,
And I am so chaotic that it's like a disease.
I am electric.
 Mar 2013 Arlene Bozich
Sequoia C
I've got dreams and they've led me to you
won't say much but they're pretty bad too
you don't have time but you know that I do...*

I am darkness
your old friend
here to let the sun shine in
I am the places you never look
the crooked window & the closed book
the cracks and the spaces in between
I am the one who forgot to wear green
I am the one who never leaves traces
the only one you see in a sea of faces
I am the one who is up all night
making noises by dim candlelight
I am the relief you never knew you wanted
the only monster left in a house called haunted
I am the rage in every crashing wave
all the lonely ones they couldn’t save
I am the one you’ve known your whole life
I am the one holding the knife
I am the one who watches you sleep
I am every secret you promised to keep
the fear that surfaces when you dive too deep
I am the blink of an eye, the double take
I am what hides beneath everything fake
I surround every crack that lets light in
I am the one lurking behind every sin
I am what you see when you close your eyes
I am the reason behind every disguise
I am the empty bottle you dumped outside
you may not want me but I’m along for the ride

I am darkness
As my eyes settle
upon my one
luminous flower
The light of its flame
burns, as my only desire

What you see as faults
or a rip in your petals
Simply bring to my lips
and make it sweet
like honey and wine

My soul's pollen
as I forget every other
like star dust
I absorb your colors
and trickles from your eyes

If you used to kneel, pleading
with heaven too many times
Look into my eyes
as I kiss
the scars on your knees

If you still remember rain
open yourself for me
My soul will kiss yours
as our passions release
one by one, every pain

~
Scott Mitchell
11 March 2013
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