a paradox. the perfect word to use to describe myself.

i am lazy, but i am ambitious. i wish to be happy in life, but my mind is always clouded with the saddest thoughts. i crave for attention but when attained, i tend to push away whoever who's giving it to me. i don't really like myself but i love what i've become. i will constantly tell you i don't give a **** about you but i honestly really do care about you. i want to love and at the same time i don't want to - it's my greatest fear, yet craving. i find it tiring to not be loved, but exhausting to love. i am tired but fused with energy. i don't even understand how any of this works. i am a conflicted contradiction.

like i said, you just have to understand that i am really hard to understand and -
if i can't figure myself out then,


nobody can.

Last night was the worst I've ever felt
Honestly the first time my heart has ever melt
Like I told you the little things you do make you amazing
I would do anything for you, even risk my life try saving
We spent the whole day on the beach, us three
Then you went home, me and her not knowing that you were trying to end your misery;
We smiled back, hugged and said our goodbyes
Still unaware that this might be our final time.

Then I got a text saying 'This is it. I'm sorry' as I walked through my door
As I thought about what you meant my heart hit the floor
I texted back in a hurry, giving you all the reasons you should stay; one of them Being me
Hoping you would listen and just pray: we're made a promise for eternity.

You told me that I didn't need you, but we both know you're the reason that I'm still strong
I didn't want to let go cause where you were headed was not where you belonged
My mind overflowed with thoughts on why is this happening and if you're okay...
I just couldn't think of me living 'happily" day by day
Without you here to say "Keep your head up, I love you. Things will be okay."

We're we inspiration to each other
We were always together.. There wasn't one without the other
This was written in pink because it's her favorite color
I had no clue what I would do without her...

The night gets colder
I'm thinking it's over
Crying to myself cause I no longer have a shoulder.... To cry on.
No one left I can rely on.

The morning after
All I could hear is your laughter
Which was disturbed by a call from a number I couldn't recognize
I remember saying "hello" as tears came to my eyes
It was you telling me that you're okay
I was speechless.. In my mind thanking God that he heard what I had to say..

Looking back on that text like it was a nightmare
Not knowing what to do and who to call because I was scared
All of this that happened, I wish it was pretend
But this is unforgettable...


The night I almost lost my best friend.

I believe that once upon a time we all did have a soul mate.
Then people started ruining it.
7 billion people in this world,
and you have never left your town.
You really think you found your soul mate there?
You didn't.
You settled.
With someone else's soulmate.
So then that persons soulmate had to settle for someone else as well.
And took another persons soulmate.
See a pattern?
People don't believe in soul mates until they find them.
I promise you won't find them in a town of 300 people.
Get out and live your life.
Explore the world.
Find who you are meant to be with.
Stop settling with someone that you love.
You can love anyone.
Find the one that you are in love with.
There's a big difference.

What if when the Universe was created
A part of our soul was attached to another, thus fated

To find each other at a later date,
After the Big Bang we seek our soulmate