I have these memories of joy and love.  

They’re tattooed on my knees,

Dyed in my hair.



Whispers in crowds,

Laughter in quiet moments.

They seep into my flesh

And stick to my bones.



I couldn’t shake them off if I tried,

How lucky is that ?

I miss the beautiful sadness.
The tears tasted like cream,
Fears turned me pale.
A quiet sadness.

I was so pretty,
Smaller every second,
Floating away in tenderness.
A whisper,
Then silence.
What more could I ask for?

And now I’m more.
Taking up more space,
Filling more holes.
I’m too much.

Now this..
ugly sadness.
One where I grow
instead of shrink.
My face is pinker,
My stomach splits at the seems,
tears taste like *****.

If I go,
It will not be a whimper,
But a scream.
Rawly honest,
and rancid.

Still,
I think I’d rather be
a beautiful lie.

My summer haze.
You exist
as salted scrunchies,
Freckled thighs,
Whiskey tongue.
You exist,
Right?

By Fall,
I know it to be true.
My autumn girl.
I look into her
tasting wet leaves,
pine and cinnamon.
Her body still
hot as August sun.

Fireplace feet,
wobbly knees under fleece.
Suddenly,
you are Christmas wine,
Snowflake tears.
Teeth never clattered,
Hands never cold.

I can’t see spring.
Perhaps that’s where it ends.
Maybe it never was.
Still,
I dream of you
And still,
I wonder
if you dream too.

they don't look like me.
those girls
with their *******
and baby teeth.

pink daisy chains,
sweet blubbering.
joyful hearts swollen,
i can feel them.

i smell a childhood memory,
she loves mornings.
the one in red
kisses her puppy,
sleeps in braided hair.

under your gaze,
they'll be paper forever.
and me?
am i tree bark to you?
do i still exist
while i'm gone?

peekaboo.

baby i've called you,
thus baby you've become.
my ******* are sore,
i've run dry of milk.

photographs don't bleed.
**** on something else for dinner.
but i insist,
keep tripping over
that tail of yours.
i find it rather funny.

blinking sunsets creases,
dewy in concepts of me.
to you,
i was perfect.

sweet creation,
swaddled in salmon silk.
your one,
your only.

nestled in your armpit,
hushly hummed stories.
beautiful worlds,
golden mornings.

when did it all go wrong?

i've broken your heart.
i'm sorry that
i'm bad at apologies.
i get that from you.

wet face,
*****,
red throats
empty stares.

hospital lighting,
missing liquor,
endless consumption.
sadness you've never known,
until me.

our silver clouds
still glow at night.
for you,
i will win this war
against myself.

i will become someone
you're proud to know.
your baby still loves you,
and always will.

i'll get you.
see how your eyelashes look
under autumn sunsets.
keep your hand warm
inside my pocket,
always a welcomed guest
within my jacket.

orange painted seeds.
my love we'll grow
into something beautiful.
pretty pretty pretty.
how you make me grin,
giddy like a little girl.

pumpkin flavoured bliss.
i can taste the spice already.
but first,
sour daisies graze my calves.
your eyes blink beyond seasons,
beyond time and leaf colours.

i recall those valentine sniffles,
wet boots on your dorm room floor.
red gloves i lent you
on our first date.

i love you more everyday.
yes,
even on the bad days.
you now exist past judgment,
'good' and 'bad' are just words.

still,
you are good.