the things i want
[aren't real]
there aren't words to describe
a desire for
    a way to be
there is no way to say
that i just
          want
          peace.

why you gotta be so mean?
despite my hopeless creative knocking
dead air
is
dead air...
   just why you gotta be so mean?
   simplifying explanations
    to the point of
     a b s t r a c t i o n

you can't just go around
being someone
like that.
it's not fair.

you can't just go around
making people want things
they didn't even know were things to want.

you can't just go around
raising standards
like some kind of standard raiser
making things utterly hopeless
making your peers of the realm
look like a bumbling mass of
ugly monstrous idiots.

you can't just go around
with that face
making it impossible for people
to even get mad at you.

i mean, whatever...
i couldn't care less.

i'm not always sure
  where to draw the lines,
although i know i want
  to draw a circle around us, for instance
and dare the usual way of things to break it
  dare anyone or anything to step inside it.
now i know how easily things break
  the pattern of things being lost
...and i think i could save us with my lines,
my circles
and i'm not messing around this time
i feel too ferocious to be a passerby
i feel too strong to be so easily pushed aside.

[he is gone]


the hardest thing
   i have ever had to do
  is attempt to convince myself
  that my feelings are wrong
that human connections i feel so strongly
are like whispers on the wind

bend my mind
to another perspective
    shift my gaze to try
to see clearly.
   tell myself that my truth
isn't the truth.

that just because i would never
do something to another person,
   it has no bearing whatsoever
on what they see fit to do to me.

trying to understand another mind
that will not open to you
is a fruitless struggle.

i haven't found a way
to explain my wrongness
  
there are things i simply
refuse to believe about you
because my heart gut tells me
to believe otherwise.

i'm fairly certain
that when i sit perfectly still
on a rock
no one can see me.

i'm getting good at
becoming the rock,
staring daggers into the
trees and sky,
trying to figure out
what they are up to.

as far as i can tell,
trees don't feel bad
about stretching toward the sun;
they don't feel like *******
reaching for what they need most.

they don't even move.
they make themselves home
and get stronger and stronger;
and even if they get knocked down
they are beautiful
little birds hopping,
critters scampering and
golden light stretching.

once i sat on a rock
and stared daggers into the creek.
huge pieces of ice would
suddenly break off
and join the rush of water,
always moving,
that crazy sun
a ball of gas in the sky
making the ice in the creek melt.

i really don't know what to do with myself
other than watch this
drama unfold;
sit still on rocks
and watch, and wait.

and i always leave in a
fit of fleeting glory;
where i temporarily,
for a tiny instant
see myself
as a thing of the earth
turning into something
magnificent and powerful...

and then it is gone.

and i think about
how silly my life is
how i try so hard
to give myself
an interesting story to write.

sometimes you don't feel the storm coming
until it is upon you
a sudden imbalance of pressure
a change in the light
and before you know it,
you are washed away.

sometimes you see the storm coming
you feel it in your bones
and you brace yourself
against the impact,
you stand tall against the wind.

sometimes you are the storm
a temporary flooding
a fierce display of light and sound
roaring
dissipating in all directions
a heaving mess
of nature.

but it is when the storm comes upon you,
seduces you with its power...
crashes upon you in a steady rhythm
wears down any semblance of solidity,
that you have to breathe.

it is when you feel yourself giving in
that you have to become the thunder.
it is when you feel yourself giving up
that you have to become the light.

i don't know how
to get to you,
and i'm sorry
  you hate my guts.
i wish i was enough.
i really do.
i wish i wasn't whatever it is
that makes you go away from me.

it just so happens
that
    "sad song" playlist
   is complimented nicely
by a dry red wine,
coconut scented body butter,
soft sheets,
  and an ugly cry.

i think i need new words
...a way to describe
    the level of
  dumb-assery
i find myself wallowing in

it's just that
i'm so certain i'm right
yet i know
   i am so
               so
                   so
                       so
                           fantastically wrong
so brilliant and pathetically blinded
   but oh,
               no, really...i am certain
               ...an excellent judge of character
because clearly,
   i am not the *******
    but oh!
    arguing with myself is
           so exhausting
           putting on a world-class act
a soul crushing mind drama
    ...is too much for a person

but admitting to oneself
that one is a *******,
      the likes of which the world has never seen
      is **** near impossible
you must wrap yourself in rightness
you must
           or you might lose your grip completely
you must hold in your mind
possibilities of forgiveness
       degrees of blindness
   levels of dumb-assery
or all hope is lost.

you must look at the blue glass
or the ink on the paper
and light the candle
  ...and listen to the music
because you are you
and you are dumb.

if time is a circle
and not a line
then there is never a time
when you are without him.

my dove promise said:
express yourself
so
i imagined your face
on the wall
and hurled the crumpled
foil at it.

i had a dream last night
that you asked me to lay down
next to you,
and then would not
make a space for me.

i  pointed to the space
where i fit, but you
were being a stubborn ***.

you knew there was space,
but you would not move.

but in my dreams i move
forward like music.

if i had a soul to sell
i would have sold it,
fool that i am.

i would throw every device
and colored pencil into the ocean
...i'm so stupid.
but i would.

i would give up on words
i would delete delete delete

every single day brings
some new miserable
revelation

and i can't get a grip
and i can't shake this feeling
and i don't know where to look

when everything i see
is cast in your shadow
when everything i feel
is d i m
compared to the firestorm
i feel around you.

just to be clear,
i will not give up on you.
i will not fail you.

i will not be the one
   to fail you.
i will not.

stand stoically behind a shield
if you must,
call a retreat
turn your back.

i don't care.

i will still be here
no revenge in my heart
no desire to cut you down

i will not be the one to give up on you.
of all the people to fail you,
i will not be counted among them.

i don't know how to be anything
other than true and fierce,
and for you i will do what i must.
for you i can do what is best,
because you are you.

and there will never be a day
that light breaks upon this earth
that i don't love you.

have i made it through the winter?
it appears i have.
i don't think it was enough.

maybe, just maybe
if the birds come back and
build a nest for me
to look at everyday
that will be enough.

no.
i know what birds are.
they are distractions.
but i can be distracted for months.

birds are real and
birds are beautiful
but they are not my birds.

where are my birds?!
why can't i have my own birds?!

my tree.
my nest.
my birds.

i can build things.
i can make things.
i can even act like a crazy robin
  defending her children,
  flying and lunging at intruders.
i could.
i can even hop around
  with my mate and get worms
  and give them all to the babies.
i don't need anything more than worms.
or sticks. or mud.
or a couple ******* birds to hang around with.

it's fine.
i'm fine.
maybe if i can just watch the robins
that will be enough.

and somehow
beyond all reason and
common sense

i feel like i failed you.

other people have your sound
and i don't like that.
i don't like that at all.

i should never have assigned
an uncommon man
a common sound.

i should have left it at
star trek communicator,
distinctive.

i don't like
that it is snowing.
i really don't.

it's not good
for my overall attitude.
and it makes
me feel thwarted
by the winds.

i honestly can't say
i've ever missed the sound
of anyone's voice
like i do yours...

and i know i am an idiot
beyond repair,

it's just that it's so hopeless.
there is no
saving my poems for someone else...
i write because i have to.
because i don't have a choice.

you know something
borderline genius
is going to surface
  when there are cigar butts
next to my markers
and i got out my hottie wine glass

i don't know how
to not be this way

this is how i am.

disappointing
misunderstood
lost in thought

there can be
no more of this
letting in
no more of this...
this
there just cannot.

seven hells, man!
i was just getting started,
you **** fool!
do you know what that means?
i walk around with
scandalous thoughts of you
a perfectly innocent look on my face
the inside of my lip raw
i had ideas,
you jack ***!
...waiting for boldness to overwhelm me
...waiting for the spring air
    to come in my window and
      make me wild
you deserve a good slap
if you deserve anything at all,
devil above me
devil behind me
devil below me

if all i get
  is a miniscule shred
of sarcastic,
   cynical
w r e t c h e d
   self-defeating
hope
   then i guess
that's the ******* fire i will breathe.

i guess I
am the firebreather
     round these parts
I am the dragon

setting things ablaze
  in my fury
crushing whole towns under my feet
climbing the skies
with magnificent dark wings

you should
run in terror from me
because you will never again find
a dragon in possession
  of such profound richness
so terrible a truth
  that you will not meet my gaze

mistakes have been made.
yes?
no.
life has been lived in fire and passion and hope
in this there can be no mistake.

access to all things
privilege in my birth
resplendent in layers of blue
ties to no
thing

but i choose
my binding
i choose
my path

the storm has come
the winter is here
and i will shield
with my superpower
whomever i choose

i will warm this
stupid frozen earth with
golden light
and no one will
question
my intent

no one
will question the
sheer pomposity
of my will
and the
truth too complex
to name
(beating ferociously in my chest)

i am not amused
my strength in
my words
you will hear me
my love  
is a steadfast light.

friday night
   a veritable heat wave
and i'm getting
  a trombone smack down
girl is tearing it up
on saxophone
  and i hear the rhythm
i've never heard
such a sensitive trumpet
seen such a true believer on bass
bring it
you crazy kids
bring it
legends of jazz
*i will listen

i'm* in it to win it
you fool man
seeing what you cannot
holding tight the thread
of possibility
not ready to let it go
look into my eyes
see the truth reflected there
feel the ferocity of my love
a shelter and a storm
unable to release a cold fear
              you are weak
but i am strong
because i know
  time is not on our side
i can bite back fear
for the sake of
every moment i can save
every day i can spend in the sun with you.

oh.
i wish i didn't know about you.

you have ruined me.
this i know in my bones.

i wish i didn't know
    about your **** beautiful face
  the way you move
christ.

no.
i wish i didn't know
it was possible for my heart
  to pound out of tempo with the earth
on its own wild trajectory.

i wish i didn't know
this terror
   of beautiful things
       slipping from my grasp.

this sickening realization
that my life is just
a stack of winters.

the universe cares nothing for me.

but i believe in you
even if you don't believe in me.

i see you
even if you won't see me.

i hear your voice
in my dreams where
   you have taken down walls
  and planted trees with me instead.

oh,
my heart aches not to know about you.

my mind fears
to know of time
    without you.

to have all this space
these colors
these sounds

this love.

as i move through time
  i become more convinced
    there is nothing more.

more frustrated that no one will hear me.

devastated
that you do not believe in me.

there is an exquisite blue bird
    from another realm
deep in the trees
he is elusive
and beautiful beyond compare
he shimmers in the light
black
a deep blue
     hints of the finest most delicate feathers of
peach and yellow
he sings a song for his mate
   an unearthly humming
a soothing introduction
and she is his.
  he is gentle but his body moves
with skill
    vibrating a show of luminance
texture, and color
he is brilliant
                 how does a drab female
        win the attentions of one such
as this?

marketplace this!
n.y.
state.
of.
health.
(just sayin')

i may consider
   tidying up this joint
when i feel a breeze of say,
40 degrees
whisper through my hair.
for christ's sake!
enough!
*enough.

one spiteful thought
lights an inferno of rage
difficult to describe
d i f f i c u l t
      to craft into something useful
strange to observe
respect
u
   n   r
a  
  v
       e    l
watch admiration get
spoiled by greed
a wretched sense of self
  a sickening thoughtless mind
existing in the world with love
is not beyond all of us

if i don't die
  from embarrassment
it will be
a bewildering fluke of the universe.

the sun matters.
i'm just saying.
it matters.

it matters that things
be alive
  and green
it just does.

eddie pepitone matters.
playing songs on repeat for hours on end matters.
rangpur matters.
  ice cream friggen matters.
i'm just saying. it does.

having a brother that gets it
matters.
laughing so hard i cry
     matters...it really does.
even the trumpeter on my balcony
thinks so.

a footprint doesn't look like a boot
and my wild ramblings
  don't necessarily reflect my feelings
my god!
   what a rickety system
these feelings
these conversions
     to language
  to thought
to words words words
what am i saying?
   how quickly can i regret
my tumbling waterfall of complete nonsense?
sweet lord someone put the brakes
on this string of confessions...
   how do i say? how do i say?
why can't i
  u s e
    words?
why can't i convert feet to boots
or bombs to love
or whatever the hell it is?
  tell me you know
tell me i'm not crazy.

so i ask you, sage,
     in all sincerity
  how to put aside
a ridiculous pride...a palpable fear
to let fly
the asking?

easy?
no.
i have found no easy thing worth doing
or loving.
   i don't want ease
i want l o v e
  that i would burn bridges for
a struggle of understanding
that will keep me alive and whole
a sickening rush
worth every sacrifice.

paralyzing terror
because nothing is due me...
nothing should be expected
so nothing can be misplaced
    misguided

restraint,
restraint!!!
yes?!
   yes.
that must be the answer.

for if not restraint,
  then earth shaking love.
and if the earth shakes
  people might get hurt.

and i might be one of them.

be direct
    direct me
ask me
   i will create anything it is
in my power
   to create for you
i will break anything for you
that needs to be broken

al green said
  no one told us about the sorrow
well, no one told me about today
no one told me about tomorrow

if asking were my strength
  this deadly blind balance
would not be my act

answering
   l o v e...
i can answer
i can *answer

ask for more?!
   ask for more???
have you lost your mind, man?
i mean really,
   ask for more! (said with a chuckle)

asking is admitting
asking is revealing
asking is believing
asking is expecting
asking is...
   asking.

nothing is better.
nothing is nothing.
well.
  nothing is nothing for awhile
nothing is something after too much nothing
   surely, nothing is better than asking

can i infer?
i will infer.
i will make gestures.

i will not be so dumb to act as if there were nothing
    but not so bold as to be asking for something
   i will infer
     i'll will things with my mind
i will desperately wish things
   quietly...
      silently, even?
that seems noble and perfectly normal
  mind reading
     inferring
  making ridiculous gestures
struggling
and talking to oneself
is surely
a saner and wiser path.

ask for more!
ha!
madman!

if it were 1989
   i think i would call
the radio station and request a song
for you
     my cherie amour
how i wish that you were mine

peacock spider
     i mean,
HOT ****!
SHIIIIIIIIIT, SON!
dance for your life, man
work that **** out

what i already possess in blood
i want to be given freely
     in the realm of thought and desire
unhinged by ties of biology

i will never ask
for more than
   i can also give
and in each moment
of choosing
     i am living
each minute of giving
  i am loving
  
in this space
i can live
i can breathe
and in each moment
with you
i can see clearly

temporary?
temporary.
as are all things.
all things?
*all things.

it is said with a full heart,
mom
    mama
        my m o m
ma
i tried to make you something
but i cannot.
because you made me.
and the weight of that
b
  r
e a
k
    s
my art.
you carried me
  you see me
you hear me

you carry me still

in my darkest hour
you are there
in my fear
in my terror
you are there
and i know
      you know
i know
   you see
     and i know
        that nothing gets past your eyes
or your heart

mom
i know
    the burden of love
beautiful and terrible
[lois and levance]
     forever just below the surface
your guiding lights

i know
    the stabs of terror and regret
reflected and seen
   in your beautiful brown eyes
for us
   for yourself

my mama
   i would weather the storms
for you if i could
   i would carry your weight
and breathe life for you

all these things you do for me
my guiding light
    my way home.

crown jellyfish,
i want you for my own,
to constantly float and hover
on my ceiling.

it seems to be too much to ask
the transparent glory
the delicate tendrils
the secretive nature

why do you want to hide
in the seas?
predator and prey
instead of being
a distraction for me?

i want you to go against
your nature
remake your breath
forego your nourishment
and glow for me, instead

why is the world
so unyielding,
crown jellyfish?
so inflexible and unkind
sticking to its earthly rules?

for me you would be
a thing of beauty
not just a creature
trying to survive

but this cannot be so
instead i must mimic you
use you as inspiration
and create new
t h i n g s

it's a shame, really.

if lucy
   is in the sky
with diamonds,

then i
  am underground
with rocks.

don't threaten me
with your blue-green nostalgia...
i know why i'm drowning.
i know why i'm weeping.

it's because
    i'm not building anything
because all my
  t       i
    h          n
                   g
                    
                   s
fell apart.
    consist of too much
expanding space.

existential terror
is a real thing,
a sickening exhaustion.

dreaming of the
pale
   blue
      dot
when cast among the stars
look inward
for the enemy
look outward
for your love

lies i tell myself
when the truth
is shaped of sorrow
i will be fine
i will be fine
i will be fine.

Reisling,
Stop softening my resolve.
I don't even like you that much.

apparently
there will be no sleep till brooklyn
on this night of newness
new [old]
green [gold]
it's all the same.

if i can just
make it through the winter
    maybe that will be enough.

if i can just
survive this fall
   maybe that will be enough.

intention is utter madness
what matters is
   the action
        the forward motion

i don't intend
i am

and there is no art
but the love i carry