i'm a cylon
   and i've been one from the start.

i've always known
    that i was special
  existed for greater things

and it all makes sense
    the love for machines
metal that shines
           the feeling of detachment
the search for the gods

i heard the music
      my machine mind aware
  my humanity in question
spool up the FTL
   and get me the frak outta here.

i don't know how else
to describe
the feeling
when i permit my thoughts
to dwell on you

you are an
utter mystery and terror
rampaging
through my mind

how much
is written on my face?
in my voice?
i fear the extent
of my foolishness
has yet to be revealed

and i feel like
i could follow you
  up a mountain
without uttering a word of distress
   though my body
be racked with exhaustion
   and terror of failure
       loomed great above me
who would complain
to be in step
with a creature like you?

i don't know
what this is
i'm afraid i know
what this is
and i cannot tell
if my feet are firm upon the ground

all i know
is perpetual summer
in your arms

despair      
a hollow ache
and empty gut
when a life invested
is laid bare
to the truth
of misaligned
roads
and all that is you
is proven
a little off track
a little too soft

despair
when all
the risks
have been revealed
fruitless

an effort
to drag every thought
from the
pit of fear
growing silently
the panic
gripping every
fiber of your being
telling you to run

despair
when there is
nowhere to turn
this feat of endurance
too much
this constant
second guessing
eroding
what is left

a body is hard pressed
to contain
such anguish
a mind
is disciplined
for only so much
before
connections sever
and something is lost
that cannot be regained

the mind
is hard pressed
to describe
its own torment
the sense of self
constructed so carefully
is exposed as temporal
and
under pressure
will begin to crack

there is no irony
just abandoned ignorance
biology and chemistry
and
a plagued
awareness of consciousness

i'm getting
the distinct impression
that
i should take my ball
and go home.

i want
a place
that is green and
full of light
i want
a place
where
in the quiet
i can hear
the birds singing
i want
a place
where
the night sky
is bright and alive
how do i find this place?
how do i get to this place?

who is in charge
of this hellhole
that they have decided
it's ok
for me to
have fire?

clearly the answer
is no one
or i wouldn't be
wielding
fire and chocolate
and wine and music and pens
and this insane body of mine...

i mean don't you people
realize what i can
*do with this ****???

it seems that
i must make of myself
an observable universe
because no one else
is going to
do it for me.

i must document
and take note.
photograph
and make marks.

think about my marks.
my words.
my actions.

think about
thinking about
my marks.
my words.
my actions.

look at myself
closer and closer and closer.
micro and mega

seek pattern
seek chaos
seek unity

but see myself
see myself
see myself
see the gripping hand
feel the tightening chest
see wall
after wall
after wall
after wall
come slamming down.

i'm just gonna
eat the ****
out of these tortilla chips
cuz really
what else is there?
i defy you
to tell me something
that makes an ounce
more sense
than tortilla chips.

in constant tumbling thought
what i desire
is so clear...
so simple...
so pure.

but in the heaviness
of the earth
all i feel is
the impossibility
of all things
precious to me...
  slipping through my grasp

i want
to whisper things
to you
in the night
   in the dark
      warm under covers

i want
to make you smile

i want
to tell you
all of the things
of my heart
and have them
be safe with you

i want
to hold
all of things of your heart
  safe in my mind
     protected forever
         behind my eyes

don't underestimate
the POWER
of Kmart on
a Friday night
to shake loose your crazy,
make you bawl over
white
winter
coats,
and glare
menacingly at
holiday decorations.

i have never felt so alone
abandoned
fever take me
fever
fever
burn
what i was
i can never be
and everything circles
this black hole
******* in my light
pulling me in
stretching me
in space and time
confused
alone
lightless
slow motion weighs me down
casting my view
of this ledge
in perfect clarity
nowhere to go

i've been staring
into the void
and it's been staring back
p u l l i n g me
closer
whispering truths
smoke billows
and i'm dancing
like the devil got ahold
of me
it's such an odd
and very specific world
i inhabit
my own personal
                  funky town
i need someone
to DROP THE BASS
directly on me
pull me to the center of the earth
then propel me into space
on magma and music
and i will laugh
all the way to the moon
berries and cloves and
deep bass and drums help
keep me sane
because i don't see
the place i belong
i don't think i belong anywhere
except inside
my own creations
alone,
i paint the paper
i scratch on the wall
i paint my body
i move
like the music
was born in me
...how do i find myself
when everyone seems to think
i'm right here?
trap music
trap me
drop the bass on me
because i can't find
a bass-less place
to be

casting to chrome
broadcasting mind blown
_ hey
_ hey
_ hey
_ hey
blasting to
mylovemylovemylove
he keeps me warm
take me to church
take me to CHURCH
cascade everlasting
sub
cast
me
boomboomboom

is seemed the only reasonable option.

i wanted to crawl out of my skin
                   crawl out of my mind
                  and even the solace of  
a sleeping unconscious
rigidly refuses my pleas
defies me
like everything and everyone else.

hot water
candlelight
the aroma and feel
of lavender and eucalyptus oil
only pull me deeper
into sorrow and despair.

i. can't. do. this.

what next?
i already tried white russians
   a sleeping pill
        allergy medication
              "the privilege of the sword"
  
                i tried thinking hard
and not thinking at all

                     i try to steel myself again life
                 become hard
            uncaring
            i try not to give a ****.

but it's all pathetic attempts
      to go against my nature.
                              my nature dictates i cry
                         that i thrash against this
         that i reach out again and again
that i make an utter fool of myself.

i opened the window...maybe the air will help
(it won't.)

i'll put on music to soothe me
(it will do the opposite.)

i will disrobe
slather lotion on myself
i'll climb into my bed
with my stupid purple hair
and cry into my blankets
while sad music plays.

eventually you will find me asleep
among twisted blankets and tears
likely clutching a pillow
for dear life.

i will awake to find
nothing has changed
and use all my strength
to get out of bed.

i'll force myself back
to my desperate searching.
i'll vow not to make a fool of myself this day
and fail.

i will push my pounding heart back
so that it is just a whisper
and just face that fact

that      life      b  l  o  w   s.

i am taking back
    my father's name
and holding on tight

your name
     is a leash around my neck
identifying me
as part of something
that does not exist

it is stamped on paper
and recognized
      by the state

it is seared into the minds
of everyone i know
for the rest of my life

a brand

a mistake.

it must be easier for you
    wrapped in the name
of your father
free
of my presence

of my name.

i cannot thank you
for any of this.
not any of it
because
i was so wrong.
so
so
wrong.

and nothing will ever be the same again.

if i'm online
i'm alive

if i'm one line
i'm a life

whatever it is
   you think you are
            or are not
it doesn't matter

i will tell you
    what you are
              because i can see you
(and you cannot see yourself)

you are mythical
made of fire
and grit
and a golden heart
a dense piece
of the universe
struggling to find itself
spooky action
at a distance
when light is shined

entanglement is required
to explain what is happening here

entanglement explains
what is happening
between us
/shivering/
       .particles.
>colliding<

it's hard to realize
that you are being knocked off a pedestal
you were never on.

it's hard to believe words
when you can see that the words are as thin as air
no meaning exists where nothing remains

admiration matters
beauty matters
and above all else
thinness matters

depression doesn't matter
sadness doesn't matter

**** art.

what i want is to disappear.

i want to implode into a weightless cloud of nonexistence.

one cannot escape the body
it is real
it is tangible
it is there for everyone to see
to judge

it is there for you to feel
it is inescapable
the feeling of gravity
of mass
of time

it is hopeless to expect otherwise

i could say how much i love you
but that wouldn't mean a thing.

so instead i will speak to the light in your eyes
   and the warmth in your smile
      that saves even my negative brain,
where memories fade too quickly.

i can only hope that we will occupy
the same time and space
    until there is time no more.

if it should be revealed
       that i am a fool

take heart - for it's no reflection on you

they summoned me
to silver springs
to stand for my crime

but i don't want to go
to silver springs
plenty of my tears
wet the pavement
from here to there

plenty of dreams
have been crushed
like bones
on the way to
silver springs

-

i emptied my wallet
in silver springs
and on the road
i reflected on my misdeeds
my felonies
my misdemeanors
my wrongs

but whatever they are
i didn't expect
to be cast so violently
into this   v o i d

i'm paying. i'm paying.
for whatever i've done,
i'm paying.

dreams are dreams are dreams.
there are no
   silver
springs
just broken, flightless wings
    and all the dead things.

[tater tots, sour cream, & smoked gouda]

i'm deeply afraid
that i am
a kaleidoscope
of shards

crushed
colored
glass

there is too much
s p a c e
around me
deafening silence

i want to be
held down
i want to be
smothered
i want to be
warm
i want to be
in the sun

i feel like
an exploding star
or a character
in a movie
that gets overcome
and flys apart
into brilliant
shafts of light

i'm sick
of trying
to stifle sobs
because i don't
want my neighbors
to think i'm
a ******

and i've been
thinking maybe
i'm not as old
as i think i am

and that is
terrifying

it is worse
than being old

because time is
stretching into
a vast expanse
of nothingness

how do i trust myself
when everything
has fallen apart

when all my decisions
have led to this...

this?

...but i've
been falling from
space

hard.*

burning through
the atmosphere
like a
bat out of hell

and it is
the only thing that
seems right

i trust myself
in the realization
that plunging
to the earth
on fire
is maybe
the best thing
that has ever happened to me

i'm not trying to stop
in fact, i'm picking up speed
being pulled
by gravity

if i had to be catupulted
into space
unwillingly

to realize that
this *breathtaking fall
is better

then so be it.

and i will
put smoked gouda
on tater tots
unapologetically
in an effort
to class up
this joint.

and because it's delicious.

i despise
the evening news
i avoid it at all costs

but accidental news
informed:

there is a punishment for twerking.
you will get kicked out of the dance.

i can't even
describe how hilarious
that sounds to me

and while i'm sitting here considering...

all that is going through my head is:

*i don't see nothing wrong
with a little bump and grind...

confusion...
daft punk
seems to be
dragging me
towards wakefulness
while also
telling me to party.

i come to wakefulness
/suddenly/
with heavy
nightmares lingering

the only solution
i can think of
is eating
double-chocolate
chip haagen-dazs
in bed.

i'm pretty sure
this is one of
the wisest pieces
of advice
i've seen

well meaning, anyway.

i walk alone
and it's a strange thing

every single time
i begin walking
i have an intense urge
to bust a move
and dance to the
music in my ears

but that would be
like feeding the animals

so i don't do it.

i am suspicious
when i walk alone
so i am constantly glancing
behind me
preparing to fight

in my mind
i am a fantastic fighter
my body moves
in deadly arcs
i can turn
anything
into a weapon
and i will
d r o p
any fool that
comes near me

i am an animal.
i shouldn't be fed
with crazy daydreams
but i keep. getting. fed.
and once i've been fed
i just want to eat more

the desire is overwhelming.

every few days
i consider taking up
a new hobby
like smoking,
or a destructive
non-committal attitude

but i always decide
not to feed
this animal
anything

but words.

(and dealing with reality like a boss)

i don't know
why
i keep tearing
things down
and looking at
the pieces

everyone else
is building walls
and they don't seem
so naked
so raw

but i keep
picking up
weapons
and hurling them
at reality
instead of
constructing a
hiding place

i don't do this
because i am
brave
but because i
can't seem to
stop myself
i can't seem to
stop blowing
the roof
off things

but then i
look around
and all i see
is rubble

i should build a wall

i did something
new tonight
(just an fyi)

i sat
on a wet rock
next to a creek
in the rain
with a brown umbrella
darkness looming,
   i thugged it out with jay-z
i lived for the city
       with stevie
               i raged against the machine
i found my own bravado
        with lorde
   i settled down to rose darling

and i found all
the voices
compelling
as i watched leaves
fall then
hit the water
moving in a rush

i looked up at
the grey clouds
and stared at my
black shoes
i twirled the
umbrella to
watch water
spray out

and i thought
to myself,
"am i just a big mouth?"
because that's what i feel like
a big yapping
mouth

yet i am
almost always
clothed in
s i l e n c e
   ...alone
quiet
   no words are
uttered from my
lips
the majority
of each day

then why do i
feel so
loud
when i live
in my mind
when i consider
my life
through
the tick. tick. tick.

all i do
is
think think think
     /consider/
weigh
and it
gets me
nowhere
but deeper
into this
abyss of
memory and
fantasy

what are
the rest of
the humans doing?
am i in
s p a c e?
i seem to
be
in a different
realm...

and now i'm letting you know.

i would like
to turn in
my wizardry card

i would like
to drop
an art bomb
an f-bomb
(a freak bomb)

and disappear
in a fog of
green smoke

oh, you didn't know?
i am
the queen of rocking art
i am a sorcerer
a conjurer
of souls
and color

i have been
crowned
by children

i eat and sleep
children
their hopes
their disappointments

i hold up
a mirror
and make them
face themselves
their success
their failures

then i cast
spells to
inspire their
action
stand ready
to catch tears
and embrace
joy

i conjure
experiences
made of
     graphite
stop bath
         zeroes000 and ones111
and | pigment |
at an
impossible rate

i look inside
the souls
of
every
single
child
to find
which of
my magics
will spur
them to greatness

and my magic
grows
i use sorcery
to accumulate
new recipes
new spells
new questions

i use my wand
to summon
the forces
of earth
to make time
stand still
i forgo food
and rest
because demand
for this
queen
is
high

but alas,
i want to
turn in my
wizard card

hand it to
my overlords
because
my superhuman
wizardry
is not enough

my   e x p l o s i o n s
of thought
   my insistence
on  quality
     my very
humanity...
all
  swords
    in my side

i have
mastery over
light

colors
seep into
every
word uttered
every
letter written
every
glance
from my
eyes

i am a
sorcerer
(read: i am a nys teacher)
but sorcery
is not enough
my overlords
want
*the gods, themselves

This is no
blind faith
this is no
sad or sorry dream
this is no
blind faith
round and
round my head
you go
crowned in my heart
electrifying
my heart
this is no blind faith
your crown
is real

the view
from down here
is appalling
and i fear
i will never
be among
the stars
again.
only a fool
seeks the stars.

lying in a
pool of tears
on my
commercially
friendly
beige
carpet
i know what
is not for me.
never was for me.

i remember
when all the
world and love
were young
and truth
in every
shepherd's tongue.

i remember
dreams i had
before
i came
down
here.

i
hate
it
here.

but at least
i have
truth
in my
heart.
truth is a
cold companion
it sits with
me in silence
day
after day
after
day.

music is not for me
its effects are
too overwhelming
yet i listen
anyway
mile
after mile
after
mile

day
after day
after
day
through rolling hills
sunrise and
afternoon light
windmills
stand proud
their master unseen
grasses stretch
toward the sun
leaves fall
from the trees
and i stumble
in between.

i see cows
chewing their
cud
eyes dead and
i find no
pleasure in
eating.

mile
after mile
after
mile
with truth
and lies
i fly as
fast
as i dare
just
so i
can walk
up ugly
green stairs
and try
to convince
myself
that
i
am
home.

love is not for me
though love
overwhelms me
consumes me
since my eyes
first opened
and oxygen rushed
into lungs
pen to paper
and mind
to heart
i have
loved
and loved
and
loved
and
i
cannot
stop.

i am
made of
love
but love is not for me.
it never was
for me.

nothing is for me.
nothing.

beautiful
beautiful
please believe
my words

i wasn't looking
for you
i didn't mean
to stumble
upon you

if i had known,
if i had known...
would i have
turned my back
on you?
abandoned hope
and tread
my path
alone?

fool that i am,
i would not
i would not.

i fight
this feeling
of
earth-shattering
hope
because i cannot
stand the
pain of it
and suffering
reigns supreme.

i cannot hope.
i cannot.
i cannot.

star in my sky
keep burning
i am here,
*i am here.

i suffer from
delusions.

hope is the
  destroyer of
the last ravaged bits
  of sanity.

hope is the
  ******
targeting
  my heart.